Are gut feelings important?

[Transformerinmypocket]

Hi I've name changed just to be on the safe side...

I'll try to be brief. I'm currently having a week away from my DH having found out 6 weeks ago that he had joined a marital affair website and had developed a close relationship with a woman from work (but he hasn't actually been unfaithful). He initially refused to acknowledge responsibility but then changed his tune and wants us to stay together. I'm now trying to decide what I want...

Anyway, i met with DH's SiL yesterday (so that our DC's could see each other)...she split from her H (my DH's brother) last year and it's been messy so haven't seen her for months. Don't know her that well...but she offloaded on me and told me stuff about her ex (my BiL) that I didn't know.

Its set alarm bells ringing as he did/is doing very similar things to my DH behaviour wise. She has no idea that me and DH are in trouble and doesn't know him very well....

My head is telling me that this doesn't make sense, DH and his bro seem so different, but my gut is churning...are gut feelings important?

yup, and i remember your thread too.

you really need to think what you really want

Yes. It's also important to use your common sense though. Which believing that he"... joined a marital affair website and had developed a close relationship with a woman from work" but wasn't having an affair doesn't sound like to me, sorry.

This all sounds horrible for you, and he seems just awful. Can you confide in your SIL and start telling some people in real life what's happening? I think you could do with some support in real life, because if you keep quiet to protect him, you'll just end up feeling even worse.

Do you think that manipulative behaviour is genetic then? Can it really run in families? I guess I'd always thought that siblings are always so different...

Because its not the website stuff thats ringing alarm bells...it's the way in which both brothers appear to be doing their upmost to save face and stop everyone finding out what they're actually like (while simultaneously playing the victim)...

Does it really matter what his brother did though ?

Even if they were comparing "how to be a complete bastard" notes and de-briefing at Chez Twat Central every evening, it wouldn't change how your husband has behaved

concentrate on that, anything else is just incidental to you

gut feelings are usually your sub conscience telling you something, listen to them

Brothers or not, some men are just not satisfied with what they have. Chances are when you are happy and 'together' he gets bored and he surfs around and discovers a place to get cheap thrills, excitment, secrecy etc, a real buzz no doubt.

Leaving him to work out what you want no doubt gives him another challenge for a while and he will focus on you and what he has lost, he may even feel excited again.

Get back together and become cozy again, and guess what, he will become bored and need something else to make him feel alive. It is a pattern but the internet means he can do it from the comfort of his settee with you sat opposite no doubt. You wouldn't be able to trust him even if you could see him sat opposite you, because if he was on his laptop or iphone, who knows what he would be setting up.

NO WAY TO LIVE. THINK CAREFULLY BEFORE YOU GO BACK. He will promise you the earth, but words are cheap and actions speak louder.

x posted

actually, yes, of course in a family where there is a lot of selfish behaviour, inability to take responsibility and lying to save face (at whatever cost) then it follows it's more likely (but not necessarily true) that siblings will indulge in it

not to be too blunt, but it really doesn't matter if manipulative behaviour is genetic or not... not sure why you're wondering about that.

your H sounds like a liar, and his brother is presumably also a liar. perhaps for totally different reasons from one another; perhaps because they were raised by someone who taught them that behavior; perhaps because they have it in their genes. who knows?

what matters is that your H has been a knob to you, and you would be unwise to bother with him any further.

his similarity to his brother is immaterial

is a week long enough for you to decide ?

x-posted

Anyfucker you're right that it shouldn't matter what his brother does...he has to be treated as an individual here (love Ches Twat Central BTW!)

I guess what I've been realising is that the brother has been using his DC (indirectly) to manipulate others. This REALLY gets my goat. I'm now wondering if my H will do the same...How would I deal with that?

I haven't read your other thread(s) but it's a good idea to be vigilant of any "tricks" he might use

It depends what you mean though. Do you mean badmouthing their mum to the kids ? That should receive zero tolerance, IMO (and vice versa, of course)

No a week isnt long enough for me to decide but it was the only way I could get some space to think and gather some energy...I'm afraid I backtracked after asking him to move out. Its still on the cards but I agreed to us each taking some time out and reassess the situation...

he had joined a marital affair website
he had joined a marital affair website
he had joined a marital affair website

Does he seriously expect you to forget thaty???

OK

Back to Plan "A"

No problem.

Anyfucker the brother was bad mouthing his MiL to his DC. Also telling everyone that his ex has stopped access when he hasn't even sought it...and blaming health issues for not being able to drive (and so not see DC) when actually banned for drink driving!

I do need to get some perspective here don't I...I find
Myself doing exactly what he wants (I.e. not telling people what he's really like)...why do I do this?! What is it that makes me obey men? Despite gut feelings! Shit.

Ah

Yep, Really Bad Twat behaviour

it's all in the script though

talk bullshit to the kids

lie

yap bullshit to get sympathy

try to look like the great dad (when really you are shit)

Nobody really falls for it, do they ?

Yes, it's in the twat's script to manipulate you into covering for them

It's often scarily successful too

Tell everyone, don't protect him from the consequences of his own actions and make it alright for him

That's a lesson you would teach an 8yo isn't it ?

Own your own bad behaviour. Why not a grown man (or woman) ?

I'm stay

Hmmm yes I think I might have to spread the news About H's activities (although I must admit I'm scared of the consequences).

I'm staying with my 86 year old mum at the moment...she knows there are issues but I don't think she'd get her head round marital affair websites (doesn't even understand the Internet)!

How far you spread the news depends on whether you envisage getting back together with him. I am sure someone will come along and tell you to be careful of that.

Having said that, if you need RL support, you should do it and choose carefully someone who will not make apologies and rationalisations for men's "urges" and blames women for their own shit treatment.

if you have read much of the relationships board, and the feminism board, you will know the nature of such bollocks as "boys will be boys", "he was just looking" "you need to give him more blow jobs and put some lippy on" "he was stressed and feeling sidelined" etc