How do I decide?

[constantlysickandhatemyself]

Lurker and not a mum. Hope you will forgive me for asking some impartial advice.

I am about to get married (late 20s), having been with my DP since I was a young teenager. I adore and love him.

We had a difficult period during our relationship when I was in my late teens and I am ashamed to say I was unfaithful more than once (not an affair by any means - standard, selfish, taking opportunities). I am more ashamed to say that I did not tell him at the time. There is a context (i was mentally ill, he was being awful), but I will not dwell on that as it is no excuse.

I managed to deal with not telling him for years through a combination of compartmentalisation, self preservation and the knowledge that I had well and truly learnt my lesson, would never do it again and was entirely committed to him.

However, now we are getting married I am faced with the dilemma again. Tell him, for the sake of my integrity and lose him or don't tell him and find a way to live with this?

I had come to the decision to tell, but have been strongly advised against it by close and trusted family (who depise infidelity).

The effect of not telling is that I have to find a way through the self hatred I am currently feeling. I will not go into details but suffice to say I feel more than awful.

Has anyone not told and dealt with it? And for those who have told about a past infidelity....what happened?

The only advice i can give is advice i've heard before -

Dont tell just to ease your own concience.

Right or wrong? Not sure, but i'm tempted to say that if you are now fully commited to the relationship and know what you did in the past (and you were young) was out of order then dont make him suffer just to make you feel better. It wont take away what you did and will probably damage the relationship.

Fully expecting you to get very differing advice here :)

To add to this....I know I haven't given much background information, but one thing to note is that he recently admitted he feels suicidal. That makes it really hard.

On my original post when I mentioned I was mentally ill - this was down to a chemical imbalance which has now been treated....I am well balanced (apart from how I am feeling right now obviously).

I deeply deeply regret what I did and in a perfect world I wish I could forgive myself and draw a line under it. However, I can't and more importantly am not sure I should.

Well, in a perfect world I wish I could take it back!

Cross post! It would more than damage. I know it would end it.

Hiya Of course you're welcome to post here.

It's a difficult one and I can understand your concerns with not telling and with telling him.

One thing that stands out is his present state of mind and what bearing that has, or ought to have on your upcoming marriage. Or possibly the other way round - why if you're about to have such a wonderful occasion, is he feeling so low?

Is he having some help with his depression? Has he told you why he feels this way?

I wanted to say that I categorically don't think your past infidelity is relevant to his current mental health situation, nor ought this to be a factor in whether you tell him or not - perhaps when you tell him, if you do decide to, but you can't not tell someone something just because they are feeling rubbish, because that would imply that it might be somehow your fault if it made him worse.

I hope that makes sense. I have often heard the advice not to tell of regretted and distant infidelity, but tbh I don't know if I hold with that. If you feel it might affect his choices, then it's only fair to disclose it at some point before you marry him. If he chooses not to be bothered by it then all's well, and if he is bothered by it then that's the right thing done imo.

Ah, well, if you know he would end the relationship over it then you have to not marry this guy. Not only because that's not fair on him, and you will never be able to stop worrying about it for ever, but because anyone who definitely will let an infidelity of almost a decade ago end a perfectly good relationship is in my opinion not entirely sensible.

Note I say definitely. Obviously it's Ok to be shocked or upset by it and take into consideration all the factors involved, but when you say you know he will end it over this, that sounds a warning bell for me.

I hope you are Ok.

In what way has he "being awful" around the time you were being unfaithful?

Betty - ok, maybe not definitely, but he would find it very hard to forgive

As for being awful - and please note I am in no way using this to excuse my behaviour - he was totally unsupportive of how I was feeling and consistently telling me he would break up with me as soon as I left for a
few months abroad. He didn't in the end.

So this infidelity was ten years ago, when you were 18/19, and he was being a bit of a cock? I honestly think you might be making a bit too much of this. Most people do the odd twattish thing at that age and if you've been a loving faithful partner ever since I'm not sure it's much of an issue any more.

MC - I wish I could feel like that!

MG I mean

Male point of view (although I do not claim to speak for all men).

If I were your DP I would not want to know. It was a long time ago. You haven't done it again and I don't think you are going to, so my view would be that I don't need to know. I would not want my relationship with you tarnished. I would prefer to maintain the illusion even if it isn't totally true. It would be different if you were a serial philanderer but you aren't.

Personally I agree with the view that you shouldn't tell to ease your own conscience. That would be hurting him so that you can feel better.

The big question for me, however, is whether you can forgive yourself. If you can't it will end up damaging your relationship. Perhaps it would be a good idea to seek some counselling to help you get past your self hatred.

Has he been a consistent loving partner since his teenagery selfishness and emotional blackmail?

Well I would only feel better very momentarily! And then we would both feel much worse.

He has been brilliant...apart from not confronting his depression, but that is not to do with our relationship

Well of course it has to do with us - but it's nothing I hold against him.

I wouldn't tell.

If you thought that when you told him he wouldn't be too bothered, and would easily forgive you, so making it easier to forgive yourself - I'd tell.

But if you think it will hurt him, why do that? It was well in the past, and you're not in any sort of ongoing relationship with any of the other people, so I can't see a big deal. Maybe talk some more to your friend and see if that can help you accept what you did and forgive yourself. Then try to move on and forget about it. You can still be entirely faithful in marriage.

Thanks for the advice. Move on and forget about it is what I have done for years! Why the proposal makes such a difference to my internal moral code I am not sure. I have had attacks of indecision over the years, but nothing like this.

It would hurt him a great deal - more than I could bear. I guess it's weighing up how important total honesty is to me (and him) vs our future happiness

My friend is actually my mum - we have an in typically close relationship.

I'm nowhere near making a decision but it is great to be able to discuss with strangers.