Can you 'get it back'

[Whizkidwithacrazystreak]

We've been married for 6 years and have two DSs who are still little. DH loves me and is often affectionate however, quite often I just don't care for the affection. We went through a very rough patch last year as he was very angry and just plain cranky. His moods were often bought on by alcohol and unfortunately drugs. There was a period of time he was just dreadful and I noted all incidents down.

I fear that I can not forget these times and although he has improved I am always thinking that he is going to go off on one. For example, the other morning he asked for a lift to the station, which always puts pressure on everyone to get ready in time and he often raises his voice at the kids to get them moving and if he misses the train it's always due to him having to put the shoe on the child or some other reason apart from traffic. He was helping get shoes on DS2 and I could sense that he was about to crack so I said please don't take it out on him. Well this then caused the crack I was expecting.

Yes, I caused this and it was probably unnecessary, however, I feel that I wanted to stop him from getting cross with DS2. He does have anger issues and I have asked that he seek some type of help last year, but he hasn't. For me it's not normal to close ones fist and want to punch furniture, throw things around and swear like a pig. He has never hit me, but I did see him with a closed fist aimed at DS1 after he found him standing on the laptop.

I don't feel close to him mentally or physically. At times I just want out in order to have time away from everyone (SATM but also work PT from home) - but we moved and unfortunately I dont have any friends in the area, my family is on the other side of the world and most of my friends are in London. I am going to try and sort this out and have made contact with some other mums for a playdate - that I can do.

Would counselling help - even if it were me to see if I can learn to deal with his anger and short wick? He thinks that I am mad but really I am lonely, bored and in a marriage that isn't really happy.

Whooooaaaahh! You think you caused that? No you didn't!! You were protecting your child. His anger and how he expresses it is his responsibility and his alone. Not yours, and certainly not your children's. I WOULD NOT be around anyone that clenched their fists at my child for more than 2 minutes I'm afraid. Its no small wonder you don't want to sleep with him. He needs counselling by the sounds of things!

Yes, I agree he needs help to combat the anger. He really does have the shortest wick and expects that my 4 and 3 year old to 'know better' or to behave like young adults.

We haven't spoken since - he got in late last night, went to the spare room and then ignored me in the morning.

I feel like a live trying to avoid any anger flares and it's all getting a bit exhausting tbh

Learning to deal with his anger and outbursts is the start of a very slippery slope that ultimately does you no favours at all. He is taking out this on both his children as well. You cannot fully protect them from Mr Angry.

Is this the life you really want for you and your children?.

Does he get angry with other people in a similar manner or is he primarily taking out all of this on you all at home?. If he is only getting angry with you all primarily then he can control his anger so it is not an anger management issue. He would not treat his boss or workmates like this would he?. He seems to be a bully and inadequate father/H. He is not interested in seeking help nor does he want this; he has told you as much.

You are not responsible for him in any way, shape or form. You do not need ot carry him.

This is about power and control. Abuse is about power and control.

Whose idea was it to move?. His mainly?.

What do you get out of this relationship now?. Living with someone on the cusp of exploding all the time probably leaves you feeling like you are walking on eggshells i.e living in fear. If you feel like that how do your children feel?. Your children are learning about relationships from you both.

What do you want to teach them about relationships?. This is no ideal role model for them to follow is it?.

I would also be contacting Womens Aid in your circumstances to talk things through further.

I don't think he gets angry with others. Although, he did get angry at his business partners wife when she wanted her husband to go home and not carry on at the pub. I haven't seen him get angry at others since.

If there are others around and he's in a situation where he would normally go mad, he retracts and sulks. For example, he once took himself up to bed at my parents recently - hiding, sulking because he couldn't get angry in front of my family as it would be too embarrassing I guess. This did him no favours as you can well imagine.

We both decided to move as the pressures of London and our small flat became too much. I think I could easily move back but would miss the space.

I'm mixed about my thoughts on him being in control and in power. I look after all the finances and run the household. He gets up, gets himself ready and goes to work. That's it. It's easier that way for us all as then he can't get cranky with the kids.

He doesn't like me going out alone on the weekend (this really pisses me) as he thinks it should be family time, or then says that he's going to the pub for a few hours in spite. I suggested that I needed a lunch with the girls one weekend and he said I should do it on a weekday which is just not practical. He just doesn't like being left with the DSs. Sad really, they are great boys and he did learn that they are a pleasure to be around last weekend as he did take the time to do activities with them.

This is not an anger management issue as he can control his temper; he is choosing therefore to take it all out on you and by turn the children instead.

As for him sulking as well - that's not great behaviour to see either let alone in an adult. That just makes him sound like a petulent brat who wants his own way all the time.

He sounds both selfish and with a massive sense of entitlement to boot; what are you doing with someone like him now?.

Marriage is about give and take; he is all take, take and take some more. You as his wife do not matter in his world. Who is he exactly to tell you that you cannot go out alone on the weekends?. You give him even more power by taking him at his word; you don't want the rows.

You may run the household and finances but he controls his family by his words and actions towards them. As said before, this is truly no life for you or your DC to be witness to. They are learning from you both here as to how relationships are conducted.

I guess you do not get much if anything from this marriage now as you chose not to answer that question openly.

You and the DC deserve better than he.

Yes he is difficult to live with. No he was not this person when we first met.

I really want to know if things can turn around and we can be happy again?

It can be turned around, yes.

But only if HE takes responsibility.

That means, you don't have to coerce him into doing so. He should come to you, apologise, accept that he is behaving atrociously and say that he is going to do whatever to sort it out, and then do it.

Remember - walking on egg shells means DV. Raising his fist means DV. You fearing his temper means DV.

He holds a belief that he is the man and therefore he is the most important one, and if things don't go the way he likes, he is entitled to use methods to get them to go his way, ie chuck tantrums, let you know what will happen if you don't toe his line by raising his fist so you know what could happen.

You say you have lost trust in him. Are you frightened of him as well?

Yes, I do believe that I am a little frightened.

I have always felt very uncomfortable around anger. I was fortunate not to experience it as a child and I just struggle to understand why and how someone can get so worked up to be physically and verbally revolting and scary. To me its not normal.

I feel crap due to his explosive nature that has raised it's ugly head.

Oh gosh. I'm sorry, Op. This isn't normal anger, by the sound of it he really has a problem.

I'm worried about what it is doing to your children to be tiptoeing around him all the time, and to see you doing the same.

I don't know how to help, I'm sorry, just want you to realise this is so, so damaging for all of you x