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Relationships

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Original poster

Very happy not to spend time with dp - is this a bad sign?

22 replies

somehappyday · 29/02/2012 13:21

Name changed for this...

I've been with my lovely dp for a little under a year now. Before meeting him I had been pretty much single for almost 8 years - a couple of flings here and there but nothing serious. I was happy enough single but also liked the idea of meeting someone, so was sporadically internet dating.

Anyway... dp and I got together, hit it off, things progressed. I am slightly older than him (only a few years though), divorced, have a ds (nearly 9). Dp has never been married, no kids. He gets on well with ds.

What worries me, I suppose, is that I don't crave spending time with him. In fact, sometimes I find him a little needy and appreciate the time we have apart. I love him to bits; he makes me laugh, he is kind and loving and attentive. We have lots in common. But I know that if he had his way he would be here every night and every day - I need more space than that.

He left this a.m. and I said 'See you Friday' - his reply was 'Oh, why not Thursday?' and I jokingly replied 'I need some time off!' He took it fine but the thing is, I meant it. I want a couple of nights just me and ds, not having to talk (!!) or cook a proper meal etc.

Is this weird? I'm telling myself that it's just because I'm so used to being on my own, I'm finding the 'sharing space' thing quite a big adjustment. Or do you think this is a warning sign that maybe I shouldn't be with him, if I don't always want him around?

OP posts:

slug · 29/02/2012 13:24

Nope, sounds healthy to me.

LittleMissGoodEnough · 29/02/2012 13:27

No, everyone needs different amounts of personal space. Especially since you're used to being on your own.

Its only when both of you aren't happy with it that it might be a problem. So listen to him, and maybe so yes to meeting up occasionally when you might naturally have said no, i.e. find a comfortable compromise. It can be difficult to remember that relationships are about compromise when you have spent a lot of time by yourself!

CailinDana · 29/02/2012 13:28

If everything else is fine, I don't see a problem. You're used to your own routine and it's hard to adjust to someone, even someone lovely, coming along and changing things. DH goes out every Wednesday evening and is always very concerned that I'll find a full day with DS tough. In fact I look forward to Wednesdays, because even though DH is brilliant, it is really lovely to have the house to myself for the evening. I don't tell him that though, as it would hurt his feelings, poor love.

LittleMissGoodEnough · 29/02/2012 13:28

maybe say yes

EirikurNoromaour · 29/02/2012 13:28

It isn't weird at all, but it is a mismatch. Hopefully you can explain it to him in a way he can understand and not take offence at.

mojitomania · 29/02/2012 13:28

It could be either really OP, or a bit of both.

Like you, I was on my own for a few years before I met my DP, luckily enough he works in public services so isn't around for 3 nights every week. I love him but I also adore spending time with just my son.

Also there's a little bit showing through about him being younger and having no responsibilites - I also dated a guy 6 years younger than me and whilst he was fun I did end up finding him a bit childish therefore ended it.

worzelswife · 29/02/2012 13:29

Completely normal!

CailinDana · 29/02/2012 13:29

To add, I agree with LittleMiss, that you should be mindful of the fact that your DP might feel hurt or rejected if you're constantly calling the shots on when you spend time together. That doesn't mean that you have to see him even if you don't want to, but it might be nice to go along with what he wants now and again, even if you're not entirely up for it.

hoops997 · 29/02/2012 13:30

Also sounds healthy to me, you have to have your own time and space, otherwise you end up taking each other for granted and feeling like you're joined at the hip.

My DP and I have hobbies that we do separately and it works.....

Helltotheno · 29/02/2012 13:36

OP I totally see where you're coming from but sort of think if this guy can't accept those things about you, there's probably an incompatibility there at that level. I also don't like the sound of you having to cook for him... does that happen on a regular basis? Is he looking for a mum figure?

You know that you were content when single, so whatever you do, don't fall into the trap of totally losing the things you enjoyed about that. It might be no harm to have a think about it yourself in terms of what you actually want for your future and then talk to him about it. I'm sure there are plenty of guys out there who'd be interested in a more 'weekend' relatationship without getting into the whole shacking up, spending every minute together etc.

Original poster

somehappyday · 29/02/2012 13:37

Fair point re: compromise, though tbh I think it's him that generally calls the shots - this morning was probably the first time I've said 'No' to an evening together.

I think part of it is that I worry I don't get to spend much time with ds anyway, and now dp has come along... I work shifts and strange hours, ds spends pretty much every weekend with his dad, now dp is in the mix as well. I worry that ds is feeling neglected (he probably isn't at all but ykwim?)

And yes, I don't want us to slip into a 'taking each other for granted' routine - at least not yet!

OP posts:

Original poster

somehappyday · 29/02/2012 13:40

hell it's not that I have to cook (he cooked last night anyway!) but sometimes I just want to eat cereal in my pyjamas, watch really bad tv and not talk to anyone, iykwim?

But then again when I had years and years of doing that, on my own, every night, I got fed up with that too

OP posts:

noinspiration · 29/02/2012 17:11

Normal, I'm the same. I really look forward to having a 'night off' when DH is working away. I miss him terribly if he is away for a week though. Everyone needs a bit of space.

Bucharest · 29/02/2012 17:33

It's a tough one. It's normal for me....(I literally shove dp out of the door and make him go on the lash with his mates so I can lie on the sofa without my contact lenses in and mainline chocolate whilst watching 80s movies) but it might not be alright for others.

You sound v much like me OP, so if this feller-me-lad can deal with it, then it's not a biggie....trouble is if he can't. Dp and I have been together for 15 yrs so it's kind of different I think in that we are both totally comfortable with each others quirks and foibles....but I'm not sure even for anti-social old me it would have been OK in the earlier stages. (IYSWIM???)

Bucharest · 29/02/2012 17:38

(I also spend 3 mths away from him in the summer and never miss him at all!)

solidgoldbrass · 29/02/2012 17:38

It's fine to want space and time to yourself. The only thing I would advise is that you acknowledge and appreciate this and don't let this man or any subsequent man move in with you in a hurry. I have never lived with a partner in a couple-relationship and I never will, I would hate it. It's OK to be like that.
It may mean that this man is too clingy for you and you may need to bin him in a while, but don't be afraid to enjoy yourself with him for the moment but to maintain boundaries that suit you at the same time.

KatieScarlett2833 · 29/02/2012 17:43

I love my DH, I really do, he is my best friend and my favourite person in the world, we get on brilliantly.

However, if it were not for his occasional nights away with work, nights out and his PS3 I would be in the bin by now.

I am perfectly happy with my own company, some days I crave it like nicotine. DH completely understands despite being quite happy to spend every waking moment in my company. We are very happy.

HepHep · 29/02/2012 18:19

I also need tons of personal space. Have always ended up in long-distance relationships I think partly because of this; current one lives in the next county along from me, 2 hours drive away. The problem with that is that it's all or nothing and I don't do too well with either. Round the corner is probably better in terms of regular time to yourself but anyway that's another thread.

It's not a problem so long as you are both similar. It could be an issue if your DP is so needy that you always cave to their wishes at the expense of your own need for personal space and time with your son. Good that you stood up to him today but a trifle concerned that you say it was the first time you've really done that.

Needing time alone and with your son isn't a foible or something to be ashamed of, so don't brush it under the carpet or you won't be showing him who you really are. If you smother your own needs (such as for space etc) then he has no way of knowing that there is a slight incompatibility there; he's probably fine when you are together 27/4 and has no idea you might want space so you need to tell him!
I really should take my own advice more often

something2say · 29/02/2012 18:25

I think - feel the guilt and do it anyway! Teach him that, yes you may go away every now and then, but you always come back. Time alone is essential I think.

RiaOverTheRainbow · 01/03/2012 00:22

Just to add you sound like an introvert to me. If you want time by yourself/with ds it's probably not that you don't want to be with dp as such, just that you need some you time to recharge, and that's fine. If your dp's an extrovert though you may decide in time your relationship needs are too different.

Heleninahandcart · 01/03/2012 00:34

Perfectly normal. Also your DS will not be young forever so enjoy your together time with him too, you would only get resentful and start feeling stressed otherwise. Only a problem if DP won't accept it, in which case you already know what to do.

HoneyandHaycorns · 01/03/2012 00:45

Normal. I like my personal space too. Enjoy spending time with DH and would feel comfortable slobbing on the sofa with cereal & crap tv, whether he was around or not but I still like my nights off. It's good to have time apart.

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