Is it possible to be happily married without passion?

[misslardeedar]

Name changed so DH doesn't know this is me.

I've been married coming up 10 years, together for 12, with 2 DC, 10 & 7. We were friends for a year before we got together and gradually fell in love and started a relationship. I always felt that DH was The One and it always felt right that we would be together forever. But (and there's always a but isn't there?) I've never really fancied him. Sex is fine, but there's no passion, no lust and there never has been. I feel like I've married my best friend.

We have had issues in the past with my lack of sex drive, even before the DC were born. DH knew (from our friendship) that I was a sexual person and he was upset that I was not like that with him. But we've worked through the issues and I now make more of an effort. And I accepted that maybe you just don't get true love and the passion in the same relationship. However, if anyone asked what is missing from our relationship, it's that. It's not even a question of trying to recapture it, as it was never there in the first place.

About 8 months ago I met someone at work who ignited those dormant feelings of passion in me and we had an EA, but ended it before it became a PA. DH knows about this and we are currently going to Relate to try and repair our marriage. The counsellor wants to know what's missing from our marriage that made me look outside of it, but I cannot tell DH that I have never fancied him and that being with this other guy has made me feel something that I've never had with him.

It's not about this other guy, as I know it's all artifical, excitement of having an EA/PA etc. But it's made me realise what I have been missing and that I'm not sure if I can spend the rest of my life without feeling it again. Or is it simply something that ultimately gets traded in when you sign up for a life-long marriage and I need to just get on with again?

Poor you. You must feel very confused.

I think it might help you to re-evaluate what you consider to be passion, and your either this or that perspective on short and long term relationships.
Firstly, you say that you always felt your DH was The One, and you also say that sex is fine. So that's a good basis to start from.
The red-hot physical attraction and at-it-like-rabbits passion you can get in the early stages of some relationships nearly always fades. Many couples who were like this at the start go through sexual desire tailing off. For many women, decreased libido after having children is also extremely common. I say this so that you know that even if you did have that kind of passion with your DH, it would be quite likely not to last.

The question you need to ask yourself is do you have intimacy? Do you enjoy snuggling with your DH on the sofa? Do you enjoy holding his hand when you walk down the street? Do you hug and kiss for the sake of mutual affection? I think that this is the foundation of a healthy long-term sexual relationship, not the fancying the pants off each other. Are you happy enough with your DH that you trust him to have intimate access to your body? Is he a considerate lover? Does sex with him reinforce your emotional bond? if you answer yes to these questions, then that is what you need to focus on.

In my case, I was like you - I was friends with my DH for a while before we got together and at the time I really didn't think I fancied him. We got together because I came to realise what a totally amazing bloke he really is. To this day, I will admit that if I were presented with a line-up of men and my DH was among them, I wouldn't pick him out as the person I'd most fancy. But I enjoy having sex with him for all the reasons above and I honestly couldn't imagine it with anyone else now.

if however it is something different for you, and you feel physically awkward with your DH (i.e. sex is not really fine but something you feel obliged to do), then you need to be honest and use the Relate counselling to help you find a way forward.

I think you have answered your own question. Neither you or your DH are happy in a passionless marriage, so can your marriage work without passion? I suspect not :(

The answer to your question is yes I know plenty of very happy marriages which are not passionate... the difference is, it's likely that there was passion to start with and a lot more than friendship.

To be honest, I do think to an extent you make your bed. You knew you didn't fancy him, he knew that issue was there yet the two of you still got together. I would say just do your utmost to salvage the friendship and move on...

Hi, poor you, you are in turmoil. I can sense it from your post.
I think it is not really possible to generalise about passion or other aspects of relationships. People come with differing value systems and I guess it depends from person what they value and where it comes on their of priorities.

Speaking for myself I would say that I could have written your post except for the emotional affair part. I also don't feel huge sexual passion for my DH, though I love him dearly and don't feel anything for anyone else that's even close to what I feel for DH, and never have. But since having kids, our se* life has taken a nose dive but I think we're both okay with that. We discuss it often and have a bit of a laugh about it.

THen I have friends who have been married for 12+ years who are extremely passionate and have sex several times a week.. one of my closest friends and her husband don't have sex and have been living in a happy marriage for 15 years. They are best friends and neither of htem have a high sex drive.

But you are feeling a sense of loss, so clearly something is not right. I think probably the unfinished business with the OM has ignited these feelings and even if yoú didn't take it further, of course something like this wil make you question your relationship for a long time after. I think that you and your DH both need to decide if you will be happy livingg as you are : as best friends who have a reasonable sex life - will it be enough for you both?

Best of luck with it all xx

You are being extremely unfair to your husband by not being honest with him, your marriage can never be equal or happy while you withold vital information from him, information that he needs to know , you are denying him a choice - it's his marriage too.
I can't imagine anything more emotionally damaging than having sex with a man you don't fancy, it will lead to resentment eventually.
The situation as it stands is not good for either of you, you're mistaken if you think you are protecting him.

I tend to agree with Malificence, you are living a lie, and it isn't fair on your husband.

I think you need to be honest with him and the counsellor and see if things can be worked out.

So when you do have sex, is he initiating it?

Are you having sex because you want sex- but it's not about him?

There's all kinds of sex- mad passionate tear off your clothes NOW sex, and cuddly sex. Both are valid.

The first won't last in that form forever, IMO.

I think what is more important is evaluating why you married him in the first place.
Did you trade in passion for security and children? If so, maybe you are now regretting that.

I think you have to be honest with yourself and your counsellor- go and see them alone if you can't face telling your DH how you feel.

I could have written your post. It's awful isn't it? I wish I fancied my DP more, then I wouldn't be tempted elsewhere. Sorry, no words of wisdom, just wanted to show support

Thanks everyone for the replies.

fluffyanimal We don't have a problem with intimacy and I would probably answer yes to all your questions. I don't feel physically awkward but I do often have sex with him because I feel obliged to. More for his self-esteem than any pressure he might put me under.

Eirikur DH is happy (apart from the EA but we're working on that). He says he still fancies me now as much as the day we got together and can't keep his hands off me.

Hello Unfortunately moving on is the absolute last resort as we have 2 DC and I don't know that wanting to have sex with someone other than daddy is a good enough reason to tear their lives apart.

OnlyMe I thought I would be happy with best friends who have a reasonable sex life. I thought that was as good as it got. Who wouldn't want to be married to their best friend?? Only now I am questionning it as I've been reminded of what I'm missing.

Malificence and Tubby I really don't think DH could take much more at the moment. He knows that I don't fancy him because apparently I'd told him a few years ago when discussing our sex life (I don't remember saying it). Tbh I downplayed it when I reminded me as I wanted to try and make him feel better as he knows that my attraction to OM was sexual as well as emotional.

pancakeday He used to mostly initiate it, but now doesn't so much for fear of rejection. Most of the time I do now and recently I have really been making an effort for it to be more frequent as I care about him and want to make him feel loved etc (if that makes sense). However, I have sometimes left it for a few months and then simply have sex because I feel like I want to, rather than because it's with him.

Thanks inappropriate. My fear is that I won't be immune to this happening again (referring to the EA).

I realise that I need to speak to the counsellor alone about this, but I'm worried that she's going to make me tell DH and I really don't want to kick him while he's down.

I would strongly suggest you have some counselling alone to pick apart how you feel before sharing with your DH the fact that you've never much fancied him. Because, even though it's true, that is a horrific thing to hear, and it may be that you don't need to tell him at all. It may be possible that, with the help of a counsellor, you can come to a point where you are perfectly happy with the sex life you have with him or you realise that actually you can't live in this marriage any longer, and a counsellor can help you end it as kindly as possible.

A counsellor won't make you do anything of the sort OP. They won't make you do anything you are not ready to do. Their loyalty is to you as their client.

but I'm worried that she's going to make me tell DH

Surely though he must already know at some level OP? If I had a partner who rarely wanted sex with me (unless it had been discussed and we were both happy with it), the first thing I'd assume would be lack of attraction. Surely the bottom line is if you fancy someone, you want sex with them on a reasonably regular basis?

Re my earlier comment, sorry didn't see the DCbit and yes that makes it different, although I do think you could still remain friends with a lot of effort. The alternative is accepting what you have and staying for the sake of the kids and only you know if you can do that.

A couple of things leapt out at me from your OP:

"I feel like I've married my best friend". This is a good thing.

"Sex is fine". So the problems in "passion" actually aren't a showstopper.

I don't think you've freed yourself from your EA. The grass is not greener on the other side of the fence. A DH will never be as exciting as the fantasies of an EA.

It's great to feel your DH is your best friend- that's how it should be, always for everyone- no?
But being best friends is not enough is it? You could be best friends with your girlfriends, and not feel guilty about not fancying them (I am assuming!)

I think being "good companions" is something couples reach in middle or older age. When you have been married as short a time as you have, then I think the passion should be there as well IF you both want that. You clearly do.

Have you analysed what it was about the OM that attracted you? Was it his personality, forbidden fruit, or just sheer lust?

I need a man to "get inside my head" in order to fancy him and for me sex is often all about how mentally close I feel to a guy, and whether we really connect on some emotional or almost spiritual level, as well as fancying them like mad.

It might help if you could work out why your DH does not appeal to you- other than just being old, familiar territory.

What EdithWeston said.
All the best OP.

People who are passionate with their partners can still be tempted by others.
Its that excitement that you don't get with your long term partner, the butterflies, the secrecy, the feeling that you are alive....

I went out with a girl prior to DW that was an absolute sex goddess to me, a magnet that made me crazy with desire for the 3 years we were together...She did however have lots of faults and ultimately we broke up as I could not deal with the bad side.

My DW is nowhere near as passionate a person and I do miss what I had with the other girl in the bedroom but what she lacks in this department, she makes up for in many other ways which is good enough for me.

Believe me there will be many more fellas out there who you would have more passion with but you only have to read the threads on here to realise that there are many men who are complete and utter knobs.

Family Life sometimes comes before personal sexual needs in my opinion.

Just want to say you're not alone. I've been married to my best friend for 15 years and never fancied him (but then never fancied anyone else either), but we had loads of sex when we first got together and it was fun. We had sex 4 times last year and frankly neither of us want to love like that. Also, I finally found someone I really fancy the pants off and it turns out to be a woman.
I've talked to dh lots about this and he has asked me to give it more time before I think of leaving.
As you say, "I want to have sex with someone else" is a pretty shitty reason to break up a kid's home life. But I'm only in my early 30s and staying in this relationship for ever seems like living a false life.

Thanks for the replies. I will see if I can go to the counsellor on my own and talk to her about it. I know I haven't freed myself from the EA and part of that is because he made me feel something that I know I've never had with DH and I knew I was compromising on 12 years ago. I need to reconcile that or it will happen again (or will never really be over with OM).

Very old thread but really curious how things have worked out?

I've never really fancied him. Sex is fine, but there's no passion, no lust and there never has been. I feel like I've married my best friend.

You have never been in love with him. This is hard to acknowledge. It happened to me too in my marriage. No amount of couple therapy can fix that. We separated and I fell deeply in love with someone else. I never ever felt this love and passion for any man. Same thing happened to my then new partner. Utter obsession about each other.
We are now going through a rough patch as he has MH issue, his life changed for the worse after the Covid years... I still feel passionate about him though. I don’t think I would have felt still in love with someone who had so many problems if that unbridled passion was not there to start with.
I don’t believe you can sustain a long term relationship if you never felt massive passion and deep love for someone.
Divorce is hard, but it was the right thing to do.

This is purely my own opinion based on my own experience

I don't think a marriage without good sex life can be happy unless both partners are asexual.

Outside this one scenario I don't believe romantic love exist and I don't think therapy could ever fix that - not loving someone is not a problem to "work through". It's not a problem, it's lack of feelings for this person

@misslardeedar Do you think if you split with your husband you might end up with work colleague? Does work colleague feel same way but things had to stop as he is married too? How did EA start was it texting or ye just knew ye developed mutual feelings? It must be difficult to work now with this work colleague? It's a very difficult situation this person has come into your life and made you re-evaluate everything...

You have to be honest with him otherwise you're making a tit out of him.

He deserves better.

Zombie thread