Friends with benefits

[dingopet]

Since last April myself and a friend have been texting more and more spending night texting. Then finally he suggested we be friends with benefits. I have never done this before but have just left a marriage and didnt want anything heavy so thought ok yes. I understood the rules so to speak. The texting continued up to about 40 texts a day and always saying good night to each other. Finally at Christmas we get the chance to do the with benefits bit it was great! the constant flirting and texting continued. We have since then meet 3 more times. Texts hadve got a bit less constant but at least ten a day, up until this week. He still texts and is very friendly but not as much. He hasnt said he wants it to stop or anything, but im thinking maybe he does. Am I just paranoid, he has a busy job, and maybe the thrill of the chase has gone and we have now settled in to a friends with benefits routine. Should i ask him if all is ok and he is still ok with out situaton or just go with the flow. We saw each other last friday. Any advice really appreciated. Im 42 and feel a bit like a teenager again!

It sounds as if he might enjoy the thrill of the chase- and now he's got what he wanted he's not so keen.
The point though is that FWB is supposed to be just that. No agonising over whether he likes you or how much attention you get. it's just friends, with sex. I think you need to re-assess what you really want- and can handle. FWB is not the only option if you don't want anything serious.

I'd step back and let him make contact rather than putting him on the spot.

Oh and BTW- why did you wait from April to December to get on with it? Was he waiting for his DW/DP to not be around? Is he married in fact?

Have you seen the film? You either get together properly or in my opinion the friendship suffers

Sounds like you want to be more than FWB! If you are happy just to text & have sex from time to time, then back right off & wait for him to pursue you again.
If you are looking for me than that, then you have to say to him: "I'm going to have to bow out now, as FWB is not for me" and fully expect him to say ok, fine & the occasionally pursue you from time to time when he is not pursuing someone else.
Sorry to sound harsh, but men's understanding of FWB is usually very different to women's.

It took so long because he was working out of the counrty. He seems to blow hot and cold though! one week texting me in the middle of the night etc then the next a bit distant but never a day with out some contact. Maybe im just being a bit silly

Are you happy to be texted in the middle of the night?

It sounds as if you are very passive in this situation.

Overall though, it does sound as if you want or already have an emotional involvement that goes way beyond FWB.

There are men out there who will date you and keep things casual without simply wanting to have sex on their terms.

I think if you are finding yourself being aware of him blowing hot and cold, and sometimes a bit distant then you may have inadvertently fallen in this deeper than you set out to, and certainly further than he is.

Perhaps it's time to call it a day with this arrangement, it might be that you're actually ready for something more and this isn't it. If so you need to get out while you still have your friendship intact otherwise it could get messy.

Its all very confusing. Ha and he has just text saying been mad busy today sorry not had chance to text !! When ever I go out with the girls etc he texts all night and he says its a joke but says 'behave yourself' .He is also really kind in for example i had a car crash last week and he sorted the car out etc . Maybe we are both in a bit deep and he is now trying to back off again. maybe it is time to call it a day but id miss him !

Are you brave enough to say to him we need to either agree that this has become a proper relationship or stop the benefits bit, because you feel like it's evolved into something and you really don't was to mess up the friendship you already had, because neither of you know where you stand?

Such a mistake, FWB. It suits ambivalent people who tend to dissociate. The main gender category of which, is men.

You are not silly, wondering if you are means you are pushing down a sure instinct that is trying to tell you something. Labeling it silly means you are not validating it. The main gender etc., is women.

Don't accept this. You are worth so much more.

OhCFenton - hilarious! The nicknames of MN are just so clever!

For FWB to work you have to not really give a shit about the other person. It seems that what you want isn't FWB, it's the ego boost of a relationship without the commitment. Giving a shit about whether he texts you or not is not the point. You are looking for validation and a self esteem bopst through him demonstrating interest in you - you do not need this and it is not healthy.

If you want FWB then you have to be able to take him or leave him. It is the only way.