How truthful can you be with a close friend?

[pancakedayisover]

I posted about this a while ago , in a slightly different way.

My BF's marriage has gone tits up, and reached crunch point. They are both to blame, but she only sees fault in his behaviour. TBH what has happened was an accident waiting to happen, and I did try to warn her before, but she wouldn't have it. She's asking me for advice but I know that if I really spoke my mind she'd find it hard to take and it would threaten our 30 year friendship. They live apart for most of the year due to his job, (she refused to relocate with him) and he admits that someone else has shown some interest in him, although he says nothing has happened, and he needs to "think" about where they go from here.

I feel her behaviour inthe past has been very unfair on him, but if I was to say this she would be livid. How can I avoid speaking my mind when she insists on knowing how I see it all?

Blimey, you're between a rock and a hard place, aren't you?

All I can come up with is a) it's often not what you say that makes people take offence, it's how you say it - preface everything with "I know how hard you tried but..." or "I know you were under a load of stress but.." or b) can you cherrypick from the dodgy stuff she did - i.e rather than say "well you cocked up with a, b and c", just pick the lesser of the crimes and mention that?

Failing that, you're just going to have to count to ten a lot and say something bland about how no one really knows what goes on within a marriage unless they're in it.

Some people seem able to be brutally honest with their friends, in a kind of take it or leave it way. I've never been able to do this & end up saying "um" alot! Can you turn it around and say to her, "well it doesn't matter what I think - what is important here is what you think." ? or follow Hassled's last line?
Sometimes it helps if you know what she wants. Does she want to work things out with her DH? If you know what she wants, you can try and subtly answer to get her thinking in the right way.

I have gone along with most of the above- thanks! When she said "What am I going to doooooooooo?" I asked her what she wanted to do. I don't think she had an answer.
I have cherry picked what I see as her unacceptable behaviour and mentioned that. For many years you see, I've thought that no man/woman would put up with what she was doing ( rejection and coldness, not affairs etc) and that it was only a matter of time - and so it turns out that is what's happened. her take on it is that she was simply reacting to his behaviour- which is partly true, but she would never come out of her corner and meet him half way- it was always he who was 100% at fault. I have said to her that if he wants to carry on ( which is what he is thinking about) she would have to meet him half way and try to behave differently. I know she didn't like this , but I feel it's a choice perhaps between trying to help her save her marriage or just staying quiet.

Maybe I should just not get involved and say that I only have her side of things and that makes it hard to comment?

IMO no one has the right to comment on the behaviour of others unless it relates directly to them. From your point of view she's treated her husband badly, and you may well be right, but pointing it out to her isn't going to work I think. If she's a good friend and you want to support her then just be there for her, listen to her, talk things through with her. It's not up to you to save her marriage, that's her job. All you have to do is be there for her whatever the outcome is.