depressed, pregnant, pushing dh-to-be away

[Loonybun]

I could write pages about this. Short story - I'm 25 wks pregnant with my second child. Had a very traumatic birth with my dd 9 years ago. I am in the middle of arguing with my consultant to get an elective c section this time.

Dp and I wanted this baby and were on the waiting list for ivf when we found out I was pregnant. I am worried I won't bond with the baby like I didn't with dd. I feel like I've fallen into a black hole. I don't feel like I can be close to my dp. He knows about everything and I supportive and lovely bt feels hurt that I seem suddenly cut off from him. I don't want affection, or cuddles or sex. I feel like my body has been invaded. No amount of counselling or drugs is going to make me feel better - I need to know that the birth will be ok and that I will love this baby. Right now I can't guarantee that.

Dp is very hurt and feels like I've emotionally checked out of our relationship. I don't even know how to check back in. I feel absolutely empty.

We are getting married this weekend and on honeymoon next week. I've ruined everything.

I think you need to go to your GP and tell them how you're feeling. Well done for posting on here. I'm sure someone else will be along with more advice-I don't know much about ante-natal depression but it sounds to me like that's what you've got. All is not lost, I promise.

Sorry to drip feed... I have bonded with dd now, she is not my dp's child.

Oh you poor thing. Huge sympathy from me (26wks and just diagnose with antenatal depression).

Are you seeing anyone about the depression? Could they chat with your DP about it, help reassure him it's not him, it's the stress you're under?

Is the wedding a big do? Try not to fret about it, you can have a lovely party for your 1st anniversary and really enjoy it with both your DC there, and you never know, the honeymoon might be a proper tonic for you.

If it's not it's not. You weren't to know how hard you'd find this pregnancy, and I understand about your fears re. the birth and the baby too. Is there a midwife in your area who specialises in previous traumatic birth? Ring the office and find out, if you get MWs on side they can help you argue successfully with consultant.

Hugs

It's normal to feel anxious and detached if you had a difficult time with your DD. A good GP and/or MW will understand that. Have you spoken to anyone yet? If you had PND (including difficulties bonding) then you will be at a higher risk of ante-natal depression, which could be what you're experiencing now. There is help available for this.

It's just fear. You're so terrified of it all going wrong that your defence mechanism is to stop feeling anything - then it can't hurt. It's a very human reaction; it doesn't make you a bad mum or a bad partner, just a scared one. The good thing with fear is that it's often unfounded and very often disappears when confronted.

Please, please don't check out of professional help though. I know you feel like it won't help, but it can, honestly it can.

Good luck.

Please go to your GP, if necessary take a print out of what you have written here. Burst into tears if you must, but get some help.
Weddings are very stressful, so is pregnancy, especially if you have had a bad experience before and haven't really dealt with it. Get some help today.

Thank you for the replies. I appreciate what you are saying but I can't get to the GP this week, I simply don't have the time to go. My dp started a new job last week and he is working 12 hour days 2 hours away and I am stuck organising the last minute wedding bits. I work part time and the days I haven't been working I have been making 1 hour drives into the city to pick up things, finalise arrangements etc. It's exhausting but I have no choice, I have to do it.

My dp only gets 30 mins break during the day and this means most of the last minute preparation for our wedding has been left to me (he would do it if he could). I also have to sort out money for our honeymoon, get my medications (not depression related) sorted with the pharmacy to go away, get all our washing sorted and done, everything you can imagine.

So I know perhaps part of what I am feeling is also linked to sheer exhaustion.

It's all going to be go go go until the weekend. Then we have the wedding on Saturday, then we are going away abroad for a week from the Sunday (dd is staying with my mum).

Part of me thinks that if this is the start of pnd / antenatal depression then I might as well just give up now, as I only started to feel better with dd when she began to sleep through the night and reach toddlerdom - I was taking 60mg citalopram but I didn't feel any improvement until the baby period passed as this was what I had issue with. I don't even know if that makes any sense.

I nearly died during my birth with dd (70 hour induction ending in ventouse delivery, massive blood loss, epidural only worked down one side etc etc). Irrationally as it was I found that rather than the usual feeling women seem to have of overflowing love towards their dc and thinking "yay we got through it together" I actually felt that I resented dd for putting me through that (I know, I know) and I found it very hard to even look at her without being angry. I did of course have the rational sense to realise this was in my head and I carried on on autopilot and did everything a "good mum" should do and looked after dd as I would do anyone's baby, I just didn't feel attached to her like my baby. More like a job.

So now I am thinking that this baby (a ds) is going to be exactly the same thing all over again. I already feel quite resentful towards the baby because I am struggling just to move about and do anything and I feel so tired all the time just from the pregnancy.

My dp is started to get (understandably) angry with me because he feels hurt that I am (in his eyes) rejecting the baby and therefore him as well. I haven't told him I don't want the baby by the way but just that I am frightened and worried about everything and worried I won't bond with the baby. He told me last night after we'd been arguing by text all day that he wishes we'd never had the baby and he doesn't know if he should marry me as he feels like he doesn't know me. I think he means because he thought I wanted all this and now it seems like I don't.

He is bewildered as we had a lot of money worries until recently - he was unemployed with health issues for 7 months - and we got in debt - but now he's recovered and working in this new well paid job, we can afford for me to be a SAHM or work part time (which is always what I said I wanted with this baby - when dd was a baby and I couldn't stand being at home I went back to work full time when she was 12 weeks old). In his eyes life is wonderful. We are in love, getting married, having a baby, just brought a great house with room for dc, I can't complain at all. And yet here I am thinking i'm just staring into a massive black hole.

My dp and I are usually so affectionate with each other, text all day on and off, talk lots in the evening but the last week all I can manage is to cook him dinner (my choice) and then we sit more or less in silence as I don't feel like talking about anything. Everything seems trivial and unimportant compared to the massive "baby elephant" in the room.

I know I have to sort myself out mentally for the wedding and the honeymoon. I don't want to ruin that for dh as well. I want us to have a lovely time to look back on. But part of me just feels that soon after that this baby is going to throw a huge bomb into our lives and that really depresses me. I think I've made a terrible mistake thinking I could cope with having another child.

Sorry. That was so long.

I know this might be a strange thing to do but could you show him this thread?

Depression does horrible things to people - this is NOT the real you. If you talk to him about it, however you do it, things will get better.

Thanks. I don't feel brave enough to show him the thread.. I think he might feel a bit hurt that I'm discussing our private life with strangers (he's a bit funny about forums!) But maybe I will.. Its an idea. We've been texting on and off all day whilst he's working and I've been telling him what I've said here, and paraphrased some of the replies.

I hope this isn't "me". It would be nice to think I can be a good mum and love this baby. Part of me does wonder if I'm depressed at all and maybe the truth is that I'm just a very selfish independent woman and perhaps I didn't really remember the impact a baby would have on my life until just recently when its all become more "real"... But part of me does look forward to seeing what thhe baby is like, and I know if I can get past the baby stage then I will have another lovely dc like dd. I just don't cope with babies well at all. The lack of sleep, the constant demands, the noise - well I may get flamed but it all maes me feel really angry actually :/ like its an invasion. Wrong I know.

I'm also having to cope with the idea that where as dd goes to her dads every other weekend (so I am child free from fri to sun that week) I'm not ever going to be child free like that on a regular basis again as obviously this baby is dp's so will be with us all the time. Yes I know its horrid but that fills me with dread, like I've lost my identity.

So who knows. - will see the gp when I get back from honeymoon next week. Dp says he's been nearly in tears at work all day wondering what's happened to me and the perfect family he was looking forward to having. Sigh.

It sounds to me like you're exhausted as well as worried sick. Why don't you write the bits of what you've put in a letter and give it to him, so he can understand how you feel, then keep plodding on till the wedding.

If you're not happy with your consultant, change them. Make an appointment with your GP before you go away for when you get back and make sure it's a double appointment so you can explain everything clearly. Write down all your concerns before you go, so you don't miss anything out.

Then, try and have a lovely relaxing honeymoon without the hassles you've had.

Thanks.. I am exhausted. Perhaps that is some of it. I was out of the house for 7 hours getting last minute things done yesterday - registry officers meeting, getting euros, picking up rings.. I was on my feet for 7 hours. Its been the same every day this week. I suppose it can't help but I just have no time to relax. Today I am spending two hours with the hotel manager going over details for the wedding, and its a one and a half hour drive each way to get there. I still have to then come home, do all the washing before tomorrow so we can pack for the honeymoon and I haven't even looked at my hair (needs dyeing).. Its all so much to do :(

I had a better evening with dp yesterday. We didn't talk about the baby much and things were ok. He hasn't really been able to touch me for a week or so as I've not wanted to be touched so when he found I was ok about it yesterday he spent a lot of time touching the bump. He really wants this baby. In some ways I think some of my resentment (?) Also comes from the fact he's so happy, its his first baby and he hasn't had the reality of waking every 2 hours or the screaming yet. I never felt this sense of dread with dd for the same reasons. The pnd only started afterwards.

I can only book gp appointments on the day, not in advance , so I will have to book one when I come back.