Should I change jobs or stopp working to keep the peace

[Prinsessa]

Hi there,

I have a son of 2.5years. My husband started a new job about a month ago which has given him a lot of additional responsibilities and a more senior position and I feel that he has changed since. He is being more assertive at home and somewhat agressive and touchy, and seems to be wanting to boss around a little bit at home too. He used to be a very calm and very supportive of me prior to changing his job.

We both live fairly pressured lifes, have demanding jobs and both commute for about 1.5 each way into London. I don't work Fridays and work from home on a Wednesday. I am happy with the current arrangement, but as my husband is now starting to become quite accusing in his behaviour about what I find to be trivial things, or things he have never complained about before are suddenly an issue I am wondering what the best way forward is. We have been toghether for 10 years and this is the first time that I feel like I am falling out of love with him and that something needs to change.

I am thinking whether I should try and change to a less stressful job that is more local to support him and make his life less stressful as he is now definately the main breadwinner (3x my salary) or I should continue where I am and not sacrifice my job for him. Or pehaps this is just a phase that will pass, so I should just be supportive and wait and hope that it gets better in the next few months.

He refuses to admit he is changing, but he has been very accusing and horrible to me this evening. I am also not from England originally, but from Sweden and I am not used to men earning so much more than a women in some instances and that women stay home to take care of their children (most women return to work in Sweden after mat. leave) so I stuggle to understand why I should compromise with my job.

What do you all think I should do? Wait and see if it passes? Change jobs? i have been reluctant to change jobs as we are currently trying for a baby and I worry about being eligable for maternity if I get pregnant while on my notice period.

Your comments or toughts are welcome

I have just sat through a hellish evening of parental arguements steming from 30years of resentment over the issue of my father demanding my mother quit her job and be a sahm. She did return to work when we moved out and then things happened and he demanded it again. She did it both times but the resentment is HUGE and vile to be caught in the middle of. Plus she has nothing but the minimum state pension. If dad dies first she will be in serious financial trouble.

My advice would be this. If you want to give up work because you feel it is best then go for it. If you are being pressurised into it and it really isnt the only way. Don't do it because the resentment that can result is really not worth the extra work in sorting out something. Perhaps phase is as building for your pension years and stroke his ego a little? If i am working now then x money now but we would be x better off later in life and then we can do y/x/not have to worry then?

We moving out being me and sibblings. just to clarify.

OP there are two possible outcomes here.

He realises his behaviour is unacceptable either by himself or because the consequences of continuing to behave like this are made clear to him.

He continues to behave like this.

Giving up your job is not going to change either option, in fact it will support and reward his behaviour. This will encourage further unacceptable behaviour.

Stand firm, make it clear his behaviour is unacceptable and do not tolerate it. He has to take responsibility for this, it is his problem. If you give up or change your job, you will be the one taking responsibility. Why should he then stop?

Do not take on the responsibility for his behaviour, do not give up your job, do not become totally reliant on him for family income.

I have one piece of advice for you and one only

Do not do anything that makes you dependent on this man, maintain your employability and do not put up with being treated like a 2nd class citizen in your own home

who the hell does he think he is ? Your boss ?

Do not quit your job to assuage his ego! His job is not more important than yours even if he earns more!

Look, I earn much more than my DH but I would never expect him to give up work to make my life easier! How shitty would that be? But because you are the woman you are considering it! And you don't even have kids yet?

Whatever the problem is, throw money at it. Need a cleaner? Need a dishwasher? Need to move closer to work? Fine. Need a housewife? I don't think so.

First of all, in your position I would stop TTC while all this is going on. There is nothing more vulnerable than a pregnant woman, and you need to kick your DH's behaviour into touch before you become that vulnerable.

You've having a nasty little taste of what your relationship may become if there is a power imbalance. What happens next is vital. If it doesn't get sorted, you may find yourself being at the sharp end of an abusive relationship. That's the extreme end of the spectrum, but you need to recognise that it's a possibility I think. Hopefully, he's just having a temporary ego-fest where the newfound power at work has gone to his head and things will soon return to normal. It may be the case that he is having to pull rank at work in order to live up to the responsibility of his new role and he's having trouble preventing that from spilling over into domestic life.

Even if you become a SAHM in the future, now is not the time. Please do not do anything to further reduce your autonomy in the relationship. Your DH needs to rediscover respect for you. If that doesn't happen automatically through love, then you need to make it happen through consequences. He doesn't have to agree with your assessment of your relationship; he just needs to understand that this is how you feel about it, that you find X, y, z behaviours unacceptable, and that if it continues you will do a, b, c. And you need to mean it. I hope it doesn't become necessary, but a brief spell on a colleague's sofa may help to focus his mind, but hopefully a long heart-to-heart will make that unnecessary.

Good luck.

Definitely do NOT give up your job. I would bet ANY job you get would still attract his criticism at the moment especially a SAHM - imagine what he could say about that? "You've just been sitting at home all day while I've been out being a hero bla bla"

Money and power does funny things to people I guess. Let's hope he gets over himself.

can you sit down and talk to him so he will listen? By that i mean tell him how his behaviour makes you feel? Or at the points when he is rude etc are you able to say 'there, that there is what I am talking about and this is how it makes me feel...'

I think changing your job in the hope that it changes things between you would be wrong. It might not solve the problem.

I gave up a wonderful job and evening study once to try and save an ailing marriage!
It is the the single biggest regret of my life, it just fed his ego, and made the situation worse.
Hopefully once he settles into his job more he will calm down. He could be stressed and taking his new and added responsibilities a bit far!
Try and get him during a calm moment to discuss it with him.

I am thinking whether I should try and change to a less stressful job that is more local to support him and make his life less stressful

He is not coping so you should change? Yeah, that makes sense.

What sort of things are causing your DH to stress out and act in this way? A month is a very short time really, and it's hard to adjust to a new job - I'm sure I've read somewhere that it takes 3 months.

Can you sit down with him and explain that you understand that he's stressed, but that his behaviour is unacceptable and needs to change. Maybe talk about practical things that could help - for example does he need to dedicate a few hours on Sunday afternoon to keeping up with things so that Monday morning isn't such a shock. Or do you need to buy in extra help so that when you're both at home you're not worrying about domestic stuff.

Without knowing what the specific flashpoints are, it's difficult to know what to suggest, but I would absolutely NOT compromise in your own career to pander to his newfound 'boss' mentality.

I don't think it'd be wholly unreasonable if he acknowledged that he'd changed but he hasn't.

I've made huge changes to support my DH and stepsons and left a job where I had to work weekends and now work from home partly so we can have a proper family meal on the table on a Friday evening for when they get in from school/work. I was delighted to do this but my DH 100% respects me for the way I now contribute and the fact it has made his life much easier.

So I'd say hold tight to your job.

Thank your for all your thoughts, you all make very valid points. I do see that it is important I don't become reliant on him for income. I guess you never know how things can end up in any relationship. Things don't always last forever, and there is my pension to think about too.

I did speak to him earlier today and he said that he did take things out on me yesterday eve and that I am probably right and that he is probably stressed with having this new job and has not realised it. He suggested we sit down and talk about what will be best for both of us going forward. I think this is a good idea. I may think about getting a job closer to home as this will mean more time with my little one that I currently spend commuting and will perhaps make me less stressed generally, and could mean my husband won't have to pick up our son two days a week as he is currently doing due to my work committments. But I see your point about it not being a good idea to stop working completely.

why is it a problem for him to pick up son? he should be very happy he is able to do this.
dont change your working life just for him.

he has to take action to make life less stressful for himself.
and this should not mean you taking drastic steps to appease him

oh, and I will also stand my gound and ask him to change his attitude. Yesterday he was saying I was the one with the attitude not him. I know I have become very short with him, but that is only after him having behaved like this for a while. I guess I am not helping the situation, as this is how I have been reacting to his behaviour. Perhaps talking it through will help both of us.

It is not always possible for someone to pick up kids after school, if their job makes it difficult. It is not a deal breaker, surely? And if the other partner cant, child care can be bought in for this.

On the other hand, I do recognise myself that as my h became more senior (ie got a professional managerial role) he brought alot of his 'work' cultures and attitudes home, and it p'eed me off considerably. Having had much more professional experience than him at that point, I frequently mentioned that he was 'managing' conversations with me, as though he were at work, which he denied.

After a very stressful few years, and Relate, he now admits himself that he used to blur the boundaries in this way between work and home relationships, and thinks/agrees that IT DOES NOT WORK.

If he wishes to be treated like a husband/partner, he needs to stop this. And if he must, tell him to treat you like his important work colleagues, ie politely.

Personally my own professional background has led me to the view that you should treat people similarly whoever they are, but the culture of some workplaces admittedly doesnt support this, and it is very very hard not to adapt to prevailing work cultures when inside them.

And people in new jobs (first three months) can be impossible at home, as it is where they bring their feelings of inevitable stress.

Hi OP,

I have been through similar recently in that my DH has also taken on a huge promotion and much much more responsibility. He has withdrawn from contributing as much around the house and is also rather moody.

I have continued to be the same as I always am, I work 3 days a week and am home the other 2 so already do a lot more around the house than he does, which is generally fine with me BUT I will not accept/tolerate a total withdrawal of support from him.

We have sat and discussed this and he is also now almost a month into the role and things are calming down/returning to our normal.

We have a generally great relationship so I am happy to support his new role/responsibilities which we will all benefit from, HOWEVER I have also made it crystal clear that he still has a family and responsibilities at home and I am not his whipping boy!

I think in your situation I would maintain my job and just speak to your husband and let him know it is not acceptable and he needs to sort his act out. I would certainly not give up a job I enjoyed and make myself reliant on him, I think this would actually make the situation worse.

I agree with what everyone has said already. Don?t change your job. He took the promotion and he has to learn to manage his stress/attitude to you. If once you're back on an even keel you decide to change jobs that's different, but to do so at the moment just reinforces his bad behaviour. And please stop trying for a baby until the issues are resolved between the two of you; it would be madness to bring a baby into a marriage that wasn?t healthy. Hopefully this is just teething problems with his new post and all will settle soon.

You have to be firm and stay firm with a man who starts behaving like this. You are not his inferior, not his employee, not a 'lesser' partner in the couple-relationship simply because he earns more and has a penis.
Don't try for a baby until you are absolutely sure that this man has got rid of any ideas of himself as your boss/owner.

I really wouldnt give up your job for him - he hasnt given up HIS job to make life easier, has he - he has got a MORE demanding job and now he is trying to make it your fault that his responsibilities have increased and wants to fob off the childcare onto you because you are a woman.
That sucks.
That little boy is as much his as yours. When both parents work the childcare is the responsibility of both. Why should you sacrifice the career you have, that you have worked as hard as he has, to become the domestic, if thats not what you actually WANT to do.
As others say, if HIS job means HE cant do pick ups, then maybe HE should pay for childcare for those couple of evenings out of his big wage. Not snipe at you that your working has made it tricky for him. It was His choice, no doubt, to apply for the new job,\nd as good a career move as it might be, it doesnt automatically follow that you should be made to take a few steps down your career ladder to accomodate him.