Fraught relationship with MIL

[shandybass]

I don't dislike or hate my MIL at all but I do find my relationship with her fraught and difficult to warm to and I wish it was easier. I'm sure she does to especially as she has no daughters.
I live within walking distance from her and up until recently she did one day's childcare for me and dh, but she had to stop due to some health problems and I do stuff for her, so its not like she is remote or anything.
By way of example, she has quite a loud voice and I come from a softly spoken family and I was constantly having to ask her to lower her voice or not barge into the house shouting yoo hoo loudly when the children were small and I would struggle to get them to have a daily nap. She only has two pitches loud and barely a whisper. Now they are 3 and 5 and she still insists on creeping into the house and frightening the living daylights out of me, I'm a jumpy person, in case they are sleeping even though I have said and she knows that they don't sleep in the day now.
I know she means well and is trying but it just irritates me as I'm sure I do her. I just wish we could have a more natural relationship despite being different people.
Anyone else struggle with this and have any tips?

I was wondering what your DH thinks and what sort of relationship he has with his mother?. Has he tried speaking to her and if so what was her response?.

With regards to entering your house who answers the door (I hope she does not have her own key!) and does she barge past this person or you each time?.

I think you are being nice about this but she is taking advantage of your being nice and not directly challenging her or pulling her up on behaviours. Boundaries re what you will and will not accept from her behaviour wise need to be put in place by you and your H. Whether by accident or design, she is riding roughshod over your wishes.

My dh and his mother share some similarities like lack of empathy and not reading signs very well but are both basically kind and generous. He does not have a particularly close relationship with his mother and does not see any point trying to make suggestions to her, as in that's how she is, she won't change.
We live in a village and the door is unlocked when I am home, we have a gate which is shut to the road, but it would look very odd to lock the door. I have thought of saying to her, please can you knock or ring the bell before you walk in, but I dont want to offend her, I know were family and she has said before, oh yes but its only me, type comment before. That's what I mean about it not really being that cosy relationship but us both acting as if it is, or that's how I see it.

I'd get a security chain fitted on the front door.....

I have a similar relationship with my MIL and I know this would drive me crazy. Can you pretend that one of your dc's has started to open the door and wander off and that you need to lock the door to keep them safe?

I was given windchimes, which I don't like, but they were from a little one, so I stuck them on the nearest convenient spot - the rail on the door. Now they are an excellent alarm for anyone going in and out of the front door, and I genuinely keep them there for burglars, but they could be there, warn re MIL and be there 'in case of burglars or the little ones getting out, you can't be too careful...'

hth

Ha yes lemony that would be funny hearing her woo hoo at a crack in the door.
I'm trying to think about another example, mm,whenever, well quite a lot of the time, if were in company and I say something she'll repeat it in her louder voice to aid their understanding. Now strangely this doesn't irritate me as much but I do find it irritating/amusing as in I'm this pathetic individual who she has to help people understand and hear.
I think its the lack of empathy I mentioned and understanding signs, like if I'm not really up for visitors or don't have much time I'll try and be polite but grab my bag, put my shoes on, but then I'll end up having to say something too which she then looks horrified and flustered and can't wait to leave and I feel bad.
We just seem a bit polite but never quite get each other.

Yes Lyssa and Janner I think I need to get more creative. Actually the wind chimes thing wouldn't be at all bad as the kids do go in and out at times so it would also double up as a warning with them.

Lyssa has your relationship with your MIL got better or worse with time? I'm afraid that we'll have a blow out one day and she will not speak to me again or at least out of company.

My relationship with MIL - well, she passed away. I really wish she was alive, happy and living in Australia.

All you can do is work round stuff, unless MIL is really toxic. I would praise the good and I would also work around going to her house instead of her coming to you - so you can go home! Good luck.

My MiL and I are totally different too and while I think we both want to get on, our approach to all sorts of things is so totally different it's hard to relate to each other. I think I just annoy her to be honest.

I really understand what you're saying about 'not getting' each other - it can be hard when your personalities are so different, and it's not like a sister/your own mum where you can say 'blimey mum can you talk a bit quieter!' as they're likely to take it the wrong way and it all gets out of hand.

I don't have any advice but I'll watch to see what advice you're given that I can pinch!

Yes you're right googie it's that 'not getting' each other, pretending to be oh so close but not able to just say things straight either.
An occasion stays in my mind of when I was a day out of hospital with stitches after my first dd, because we were in a caravan I was in the main area with legs akimbo trying to apply cream to my stitches and in she walks. I was mortified and asked her not to come in further, she retreated to the kitchen area which was open to where I was, saying to dh 'what's the matter with her?' I shouted I could still see and hear them and asked for them to give me 5 mins privacy to which they went outside. After which she went home. Now I know I was rude and I sent her a text within half an hour apologising and explaining how humiliating and sore I had found the whole birth stitches after experience and that I was struggling. She immediately responded to her credit with apology accepted and 'think no more of it' and that's been it. But I was brought up to apologise when you're in the wrong and to talk it through, apologise back, laugh it off, something more than a yes say no more type response as it left me feeling even more crappy about myself instead of understood.
I guess there are no easy solutions and yes I am lucky to have her around and involved I just wish things were easier and more natural especially by now some years on.

I think we're in a similar situation shandy as my mil doesn't like to talk much about stuff, especially problems or issues, either.
For example, she really betrayed my confidence once and I was very upset and although she did appologise, it was 'let's talk no more of it' rather than a proper clear the air talk. I know feel like I don't want to tell her anything personal again as she just uses it to curry favour with other people. I know this because she tells us stuff other people have told her in confidence and loves the power it gives her.
But she's not a bad person, she just handles relationships and problems totally differently to me and I find it very hard to handle. She also relates very closely to my bil (her other son) as he is a lot like her, whereas my DH tries so much harder to be a good support to her.

Sorry, bit of a hijack there!! I think ultimately it's about being very different characters with only one party trying to act accordingly, or wanting the relationship to be better.

Yes googie I've had that same scenario too about spreading personal stuff and been told, oh it was only to so and so and they won't tell, but so and so would be at least 5 other people. Consequently I am more guarded now, dh agrees with me about his Mum's lack of insight but as I said he's not great either in that department, but obviously he has other qualities which make up for it.
Guess it is about accepting your lot and at least she does try in her way as I do and that's maybe as good as it gets.

TBH I would lock the door.

I couldn´t bear someone just walking in.

Wouldn´t it be safer for the children also?

Hi yes probably, but I've remembered now when I used to lock the door she would comd round the back of the house and peer in through the glass door and windows to check if we were in and to be honest I found this more disconcerting than having her waltz in the front door.

I'm sure she doesn't mean to irk me it's just hard to bring anything up without it causing offence and her retreating into say no more and then not coming round.
I am soon to be off on maternity leave again so I know these sort of things will start to irritate me more soon being that I'll be around more.

"say no more and then not coming round. "-result!
(sorry, not helpful)

I suppose it depends how you´ve been brought up.

We´ve only ever walked in-knocked first though-if expected.

Well, I'd move, but then I couldn't stand someone just letting themself into my house.

get a yale lock on your front door, then you don't actively 'lock' it but just pulling the door too will mean you need a key to get in from outside.

Put obsticles in her way to getting round the back (brambles, garden rubbish of any sort etc - lock on the garden gate if you can) and keep repeating "ooh, careful coming round the back way, do'nt want your turning your ankle, ring the bell, if we're in we'll open it"

Be out a lot, keep repeating phrases like "I wish you'd call my mobile first, I was close by, I'dhave made sure I came home." Or "I wish you'd called before setting off, we're just going out, we could have arranged to call at yours on the way back." Just keep 'training her'. and keep your private information private.

Ha ha lydia sounds like a plan about the brambles etc. I've tried the oh you should have called were just off line of just back line, unfortunately as she is so close she can just crane to see if the car is there or is happy to pop off if we are off somewhere after 5 mins or so so that's no bother for her either.
It's a pro and con of having your mil to close. We had planned a security buzzer type thing on the road gate originally. I wish I had gone ahead with it now as it would have solved these problems. I like having
visitors usually but almost everyone else will text at least before.

I think you may have to get a little bit assertive, I'm afraid. I find it more difficult to say what I think to my in-laws as I am worried about upsetting them; however it would probably improve your quality of lfe if you did, particularly as you're going to be seeing a lot more of her soon!

Maybe instead of hinting that you need to go out, just try saying as soon as she arrives that you're really sorry, but you have to be out in ten minutes (state precise time, like 'ten to two' so she has idea of boundaries) and then DO IT - don't let her say 'oh, this won't take long' or whatever! If you start being totally upfront with her (but politely, of course) then she'll probably be initally puzzled, maybe a bit hurt, then gradually get used to it. She sounds like the type of person where a bulldozer is needed to get the point across, so iplease don't feel guilty for using bulldozer force! You have the right to not feel uncomfortable in your own home and sometimes that means putting your foot down.

Another thing: I'd try to explain exactly why I wanted to do /was doing something, as long as it won't offend her. Then if she tries to stop you by going 'right, say no more' then politely say 'actually, I just want to say a BIT more if that's ok...' and then make your point. I think people like her try to cut you off because, paradoxically, they are scared of hearing something that will make them feel emotionally vulnerable; much easier to sweep it under the rug and pretend the reasons are superficial rather than anything more real.

Rant over! Hope some of that helps OP, you sound like you're really trying hard with your MIL which is commendable in itself :)

Thanks Cerys that makes a lot of sense in thinking about her other relationships. For example with her bestest friend they do not share a lot of personal things and she just says oh her friend likes to be private about things, which I've always found a bit strange. This makes sense now the way you explain the way she is with me.

shandybass - Well, my own mum does it you see!! If I try to explain my motivations for anything she cuts me off saying she's 'got it, right, that's understood'. She is so terrified of me saying something that will upset her that she'd rather I said nothing. It's not like I try to rip her apart or anything :( I think she got a lot of criticism as a child and is very sensitive to anything that sounds like it now (even if it's not criticism, just an explanation e.g how she justifiably got the wrong end of the stick).

Doesn't mean she should be allowed to make me feel frustrated though (and same goes for your MIL)!