DP and I had our 13th anniversary on Sunday and at present it doesn't seem like we'll get to 14. We have 4 dc from 3 to 8, so it's pretty full on. I became very depressed about 2 years ago and it's been so severe at times I've been suicidal and I walked out last June after we moved house as I couldn't cope with it anymore. I've struggled to feel anything much for him since I became depressed, but this has happened before (I've had two other long periods of depression since we've been together) and it's bounced back. But I've been having CBT for two months and came off my (not very strong) ADs at Christmas. I'm better, I'm happier but I feel no interest in him at all. I don't even want to share a bed. I hate it when he tries to touch me or kiss me, I think we've had sex once since Christmas. I don't want to get undressed in front of him. I avoid him every evening once the kids have gone to bed. But I do have a libido and think of sex so it's clearly come back just not for him.
It wasn't terribly loving for a long time, but now I feel nothing and I don't know what to do. He's clearly distressed by my behaviour although I think he's still putting it down to depression. He's also possibly depressed, he's having a terribly hard time with his businesses in this recession and we've been struggling financially for the last six months. When my depression was most severe I was yelling a lot, really getting very very angry but now that I'm calming down and not yelling he seems to be getting furious with the kids and me over nothing. He's made me cry 3 times this week, and I don't know how much of this is contributing to how I feel about him. We can barely have a conversation without him exploding at me or one of the kids and storming out of the room/house.
He's under tremendous pressure, I know that - he's the main breadwinner and we now have a bigger mortgage, he's got employees and family are shareholders in the businesses. I do understand and sympathise, but he's changed into someone I don't know anymore, don't like much and don't want to spend time with. He seems to have forgiven that in me, and put up with a huge amount over the last couple of years so why can't I just support him and overlook his behaviour? He still says he loves me all the time and is very sentimental (I am not at all and never have been), he fancies me still although god knows why. But I'm thinking about asking him to leave and contemplating being a single mum to 4 although it seems an incredibly rash/stupid/impossible thing to consider. I have had serious doubts about our relationship and the imbalance of love many times, we don't have much in common except our kids and I've never felt the passion for him that he seems to feel for me. I'm 42 and I'm thinking is this it? I just don't ever think I've felt like he's my Mr Right and looking back at the circumstances when we met and our early years I really wonder if I've fallen into this relationship rather than chosen it. BUT we have 4 dc and he's a fantastic dad (when he's not yelling) and practically speaking I don't know if I can actually be a single mum. Financially we can't afford to live apart right now and given that I haven't coped very well so far is it just going to make things worse? I'm trying really hard to just let things sit for a while as he gets the business back on its feet and I recover but it's hard to hide the lack of feeling from him.