HELP what is worse staying with him or divorce?

[yumyummymummy]

I've never done this chat thing before but i feel so desperately in need of some support that i thought i'd give it a go. To summarise i've been with DH for 7 years we have 2 DS age 2 and 3 and have got to the point where we literally cannot communicate without it being an argument or a venemous exchange. I don't feel love for him anymore i sometimes wish he was dead but then i wonder would that make me feel some love for him even if it was then too late. He is incredibly critical, negative, nasty and unreasonalbe yet he thinks our problems are 99% down to me and he only acts the way he does because of me.
I am so scared of being alone and if i could cope with the boys as sometimes its hard enough with his help. I don't work and my youngest wont start school till sept 08 so i cant see that changing and we have massive overheads each month - probably a good £3,500 with mortgage and bills and just basic living and he is self employed (declaring minimal income for tax purposes)with a brother who is one of the best divorce lawyers in the country so i am terrified of what will happen financially.
I have tried counselling with him but he wasnt prepared to stick at it and have a library of self help books because i am so afraid i will crumble and lose the plot. I have had depression in the past and once ended up hospitalised but checked myself out after 4 days as i realised being in a psychiatric ward at edgware general was worse than being depressed at home! I also knew i would lose him if i didnt pull myself together as he wouldnt come and visit me and didnt believe i needed any help like anti depressants or hospital treatment.
Things used to go in cycles of good and bad but lately its just bad. I feel so terrible for what we could be doing to our beautiful children but some hope somewhere or maybe fear keeps me here still.
I'm also terrified of having to tell people, other parents at nursery, the teachers, neigbours etc i feel ashamed and embarassed. My parents dont even know about the problems though i'm amazed they haven't picked up on the bad vibes.
I turned 40 last year and my life isnt beginning, it feels like its ended and i just exist. i have hardly any social life, i am tired all the time, i think i hate myself and i feel so useless.
I have started some counselling this week which i didnt even ask him to come with to so i know thats a positive move but every day i am crying and feeling dragged down. Reading this back it sounds like i am depressed, maybe i am a bit, but i dont want to rely on pills and surely anyone would find constant bullying and bad atmosphere's depressing.
is there anybody out there who can relate to this or would just like to say hello - i hope so x

yymummy- you are 40 years old and scared to talk to the man you live with- not a critisism but honey stop and think about that, Life isn't a rehearsal this is it- I think you know the answer to your original post, surely if he won't entertain counselling and is controlling you like this divorce has to be a better option.
Marriage is a partnership give and take on both sides and his tit for tat attitude to you going out- what a big spoiled kid!
Please keep up your counselling, get your emotions out and understaood then when you are strong enough get some legal advise as to your position (I think you;ll be surprised how strong you are) then make yourself a better life.
this man does not deserve you- you do not deserve to be treated like a naughty school kid- it's your life too- make it change the way YOU want to.
keep talking- you are not mad or unstable just human and unhappy life can and should be so much better for you.Take care of yourself.

YYM, are you okay?
I know how you are feeling. I have had to come to except that I am in an abusive relationship.
My H has never physically hurt me, or my children, but through MN, I have learnt that he is emotionally abusing us.
I still have not made the break, but am starting to make moves & have come on a long way from the denial I was in a year back.
I know how hard all this is for you, believe me, but it is NOT your fault.
Feel free to CAT me at any time.xxx

thank you again. i so appreciate your messages. i am going to set myself up to cat so i can take some of you up on your kind offers. am signing out now and back off to friend's house in a while to finish off kindergarten stuff.

Take care,YYM.

Why fight back the tears, YMM? (I know, because he behaves even worse if you cry). I am practically crying for you.

I see no need now to ask/tell him about going out on Tuesday, he's aware of it, if he asks (which I doubt), simply say you thought you had told him and you must have forgotten. Why give him the satisfaction of knowing you were too scared to ask/tell?

Definitely go and see a solicitor, you will need to be prepared for what is to come - whatever that is. When does your counselling start, or has it already?

In your first post you said "I turned 40 last year and my life isnt beginning, it feels like its ended". I hope someday soon you - and indeed LW - get to feel that your life is beginning anew.

hallo
just wanted to say i went to the doctor today and have a prescription for mild ADs and she is also referring me for free or subsidised counselling at the Tavistock clinic which is supposed to be really good though she said there's a long waiting list.I feel stronger just knowing i have the prescription should i need it and i will take it if i do but i am feeling quite empowered now. I do know however how weak and destroyed i allow myself to feel with just a few put downs from him but he's out tonight and i had a girl friend round and its a good atmosphere in my home.
tommrow i am having my hair done and going for the 2nd counselling session - maybe i'll buy a lottery ticket as well!
i haven't set myself up to cat yet as i;ve lost my debit card and am waiting for a new one but to all of you who have sent messages i hope you are doing okay and i hope to chat again soon.

hi yummymummy just read your thread and sending you big hugs, sounds like you are really starting to take a hold of your own life, so well done. Enjoy the hair do and keep up the counselling. Don't take any difficult decisions until you are strong enough - get through it a day at a time. good that you have the support of MIL - maybe your DH is scared too, he doesn't understand depression and can't communicate properly. No need to tell people like teachers anything just yet, unless you think the atmosphere in the house is affecting the children. Nothing wrong in confiding in your family and friends, your friends, if they are true friends, and your family will be there for your children first hopefully so that you and your partner can sort things out or so you can go to your counselling sessions etc. Once you have made the decision, and you are sure it is the right one, you will feel a lot better. Even if that brings other problems to solve you must get your feelings about your relationship sorted first.

Message withdrawn

yummymummy, I took ADs for 18 months and I didn't gain any weight. If I were you I would take those tablets that the doctor has diagnosed. It takes three weeks for them to kick in properly, and you don't have to remain on them forever, it is absolutely possible to come off them again.
I also had an emotionally abusive ex-Husband and when I read your post about being scared to say you were going out - it brought it all back to me.
I definitely suffered from low self-esteem while I was with him. We were together for 12 years and married for 7 of those and over that time I allowed my self-esteem to be slowly whittled away by him. If you were feeling strong and confident and he had a go about the "wrong" set of keys - you'd tell him not to be so silly.
Please get some counselling for yourself. These controlling, bullying men are very difficult but you can help yourself through counselling.
I am divorced now, as eventually my ex-H had an affair and I can honestly say that I am happier now than I have been in years but I still would rather have tried to make my marriage work for all of us, than be divorced.
Thinking of you.

Yummymummy, My own father was abusive and domineering and I grew up in a house full of arguments, shouting and violence. I would not, ever, ever subject my child to this kind of environment - it is terrifying, even when you don't understand what is going on. I was 14 by the time my mother got up the courage to leave him. Please look after yourself and get the help you need to improve your situation. So glad you have started counselling, that's a really brave step.

good morning. have had terrible night with eldest DS waking up 6 times but my new hair still looks brilliant and that seems to be countering the fatigue extremely well! When i came in last night DH's friend was just leaving and immediately commented on my hair but DH remained totally silent. I said to him after 5 minutes, have you not noticed my hair. He said yes it looks good and i said its funny your friend comments on it immediately yet you say nothing. he said if it was one of my friends wife's i probably would have said something and i said why on earth can't you do that with your wife. I don't feel as hurt as i usually would i just feel like you pig, and if you're not prepared to make an effort to do simple things like acknowledge a quite drastically different haircut that then it's just not what i want.
I've noticed this morning that all the history on the computer has been deleted so im wondering if he's seen this posting or if hes been looking at stuff he doesnt want me to see or both. Does anyone know if there's a way of stopping him finding this in history?
one more thing, i asked DH to record the programme on divorce screwing your kids up last night when i went to cinema and stressed how important to me that was. He forgot. (why did I rely on him !) Does anyone know if it is going to be repeated or did anyone by any chance video it and be prepared for me to pay them to send it or copy it to me?! Well it's worth asking!
have a good day and will be back later....

yummy mummy MEN! can't help on the history question or the video but I watched the programme and it was hardly rocket science. Clear communication, preferably together, don't slag off your ex partner and keep up the mantra of mummy and daddy both love you.
It focussed on 3 families at different stages of divorce. 1 set hadn't told their kids yet, 1 used to strangle each other and other the ex H traded the w in for another model and moved abroad and he had lost contact with his daughter. All very sad though. Anyway they are using a divorce coach from the USA. Try emailing channel 4? When it comes to hairdos, you can rely on a woman to tell you you look good.

madmaz thanks so much for your synopsis! Actually just as i was about to record desperate housewives i saw a repeat of the programme being advertised on more 4 so i sacrificed watching DHWs and watched the programme which did make me want to do everything to avoid having my DS crying like that little boy when he came back from his dads. However DH is being a total P*k still and insists it is basically all down to me and my 'claw' as he calls it. When i ask him to specify what i have done he can only think of something that was a week ago and i don't think is anywhere near warranting a week of nasty behaviour on his part in response.
He says he has noticed my behaviour is now that i am doing absolutely nothing wrong so that if i walk it will be with my head held high and conscience clear which is true but he thinks this behavoiur is totally out of character and he doesn't like it. He's great at creating lose lose situations - would he prefer me to be unreasonable? Last night he said to me (sarcastically) I should have been a lecturer - i am great at telling people what to do but useless at putting things into practice. I am going to start a log of his comments because i forgot them too easily.
He did however say he would go to counselling and my counsellor has got someone she will refer us to so that is a positive but i don't feel too hopeful about things. My emotions are up and down, felt like i could burst into tears this morning but currently feel quite strong.

BTW went to stability ball class today and my teacher (female!) gave me loads of compliments on my hair. Have come to unfortunate point where i will have to wash it today and probably my attempts to recreate the look will not be quite as i hope for ...

good for you yumyummymummy. Have to say though even though i have a "civilised" divorce we still have tears now and then when she comes back from a weekend. I don't think that is abnormal in itself, and I know other couples (relativly civilised Ds) who had the same. You can't expect it to be "perfect" when you've turned your kids life upside down. All you can do is your best. Counselling sounds the way forward good he has agreed as he must privately agree things are not right and is willing to tackle the issue. That's a good start and of course you may find out things about yourself through your personal counselling. Take care x