when i drop dead maybe they will all notice im not there anymore.

[ThatVikRinA22]

i am completely pissed off and going to have a rant, so please indulge me.... I have a few days off, it was my birthday on saturday (a big one) and also the anniversary of my sisters death, so i find it hard and usually book it off work. I was ok, (its been 8 years now) and i tried to enjoy it.

The kids are too old to want to do anything with me anymore, so DH and i had a day out alone, the first one probably in 20 years. it was nice. kids came out for a meal later on.

today i had to take DS for his disabled students assessment in readiness for uni, when we got there we found there is a problem with his proposed accommodation. I have spent the day, DH and DS in tow, trudging up and down a uni campus (and then some) trying to sort this out and looking at different options (literally taking DS to view different options off campus) it took 5 hours of walking, and i have blisters on the soles of my feet (and thats a bit odd as i run for miles, seems i cant walk for miles though!) At the end of the day, nothing was sorted (kept getting passed around different departments and back again) and its taken for me to come home and pen an email to the head of accommodation services, no help from DH other than he read the email and pointed out my errors.
I admit i was a bit snippy and told him he was welcome to amend it or send one from scratch.
cue silence.
so i sorted it, sent it, and will no doubt have to deal with the rest of it. alone. nothing new there. Where the kids are involved its always been me, alone, DS is disabled and again, always me, always alone, or he will come along for the ride, make a token noise every now and again.

And tonight - the final straw - i noticed a telly programme which takes a behind the scenes peak at my job, so i said to DH, "oh, do you want to watch this? see what i do?" he ignored me. pottered about the kitchen.
then he went to bed. He is completely and utterly disinterested in me He isnt even mildy curious, he doesnt worry about me, he certainly isnt someone i can come home and sound off to if ive had a really bad/difficult/traumatic day. Last week i failed a course that i need to pass my probationary period. I am being moved and generally have a bit of a shit time at work - but he is of no support at all, and i dont even question it, its like i always shoulder any burden alone. i might moan a bit, but i mostly do things alone, its pointless talking to someone who isnt listening. or not there. (we often work opposing shifts)

We dont argue, but i think thats because he avoids confrontation and i cant actually be arsed to analyse too much any more. He is lazy when it comes to working at our relationship. He is having problems when it comes to sex, but wont sort it, or see a gp, or even speak about it. He had a vasectomy over 18 months ago but never went back for the follow ups tests. (still.) For all i know it could be something to do with that.

im worried we will be one of those couples who spilt when the kids leave home, and i dont really want that tbh. we get on really well, weve been together forever, but i feel like i carry all the difficult stuff, because he wont do his share. Weve been married for over 20 years.

sorry this is long and rambling. im just fed up. Is it me? does it sound like im being unreasonable?

Of course your not being unreasonable, Vicar. I've seen you around on many threads and you are full of good advice and support for others. I think you are doing admirably. But, you know, the world of equality escapes many of us, even in this day and age. Not right but it's how it is.

No real advice for you other than I can see how difficult this is for you. I've been single for ever and feel the same way - all down to me - but it's quite a bit worse when there is actually someone there that could take an equal share and release the pressure of your shoulders. Probably time for a serious chat with him to let him know how you feel and how he could support your family more than he does.

Any practical help with your course that could help?

thanks feedback im just feeling quite down and very tired and drained after today, not to mention the blisters and sore feet.

nothing really practical i can do from home for my course and the only thing that would help me has had the mockers put on it from my bosses boss.

(it was a driving course and I need to be driving the company cars to get used to them, but im being transferred to foot patrol so despite the driver training dept saying i need to be driving and practising it appears to have fallen on my superiors deaf ears. )

im going to attempt to sleep. if DH isnt snoring.

I would sometimes manage to have a serious chat with mine, in the way fbff suggests, and would come away all full of hope based on promises - which meant nothing.

I bet you're the one who remembers coffee is running low and pops in the shop on the way home, as well Vicar. If so, let the coffee run out and see what happens.

Obviously I don't mean you should neglect DS. If one parent won't step up to the plate re DC, then that's tough luck on the other parent. But in areas that are of little importance, let your OH have to take responsibility for action.

Now he is snoring like a bloody elephant seal. I'm really not in the mood for this. it's sleep with him snoring or bunk up with a snoring dog. At least the dogs cute. I'm so not a happy bunny.He normally works nights, I'm realising why.

Hi Vicar... just to say I know how you feel because you could be describing my DH as well. You are not being unreasonable at all but am afraid I don't know what the answer is

Hi Vic, glad to see you back again but sorry to see that you're the one with the problem!

Re your driving course - have you had feedback as to which elements you've failed or need additional work on? If this skill is essential to you passing through your probationery period will you be able to do a retake or does it mean that you'll held be back a year before graduating?

Would something like this be worth considering to give you additional confidence when you 'try again? www.uptwospeed.co.uk

Your profession is particularly challenging to new recruits and it is to be hoped that your immediate boss will ultimately be able to prevail on his superiors to reconsider but, in the meantime, all you can do is grin and bear it and get some blister cream/plasters to help you cope with the foot slog.

The fact that your personal and organisational skills are coming under scrutiny like never before is no doubt having a knock-on effect at home as you'll inevitably judge others by the same rigorous standards that you are having to attain at work.

However, that's no reason to let the elephant seal bask undisturbed.

You need solid back up at home, honey - give him regular tasks to undertake so that your train can move effortlessly on well-oiled tracks, and read him the riot act he doesn't step up to the plate.

As for you two splitting up when the kids fly the nest ,nah, doesn't seem likely to me but if it happens, you know you'll deal with it - we sometimes don't have a lot of choice, do we?

well a whole new and much more urgent crisis has usurped this one. i am thinking of leaving home. imminently.
Ds has gone awol. (thread in special needs teens)
DH has stormed off
im dealing with the aftermath. except there isnt anythng to deal with cos everyone has gone.
fleetingly i thought of walking to the premierinn and booking in for the night. except i cant be arsed to get dressed and ive had too much wine.

thanks for the link izzy. i will check it out.

Another day, another pile of shit dollar, eh?

Have another , Vic and cling on to the thought that 'this too must pass'.

Oh Vicar, I for one would miss you if you went (so if you do sneak off to hotel make sure it's got good wifi). Thinking of you. Hope ds is okay x

I did clear off to a local hotel last September, vicar, it really helped me to think things through. But I didn't have a missing DS.

Am thinking of you too. x

Hope you are ok Vicar. Xx

Oh vicar what a terrible time you are having. if it's any consolation, the vast majority of families with disabled children separate I can't remember the statistics but I know they are very high.

It sounds as though the problems that you have in a relationship are being picked up by your son and it means that you will have to deal with these issues with your partner. I would suggest counselling but in a long term relationship it may just be easier to move apart. I think I am in the same situation as you. I am thinking of writing my Will entrusting her future. I am hoping that will get.him to srr the reality of the situation. separation after so many years going to be hard but it may be easier to live apart. is not really stic. I know my child will never really leave home and I will be very involved in her life until the day I die. sorry if that's a bit heavy!

Excuse typos!

Just want to say that while I lurk more than I post, if I see a post by you I always read it, and I always respect what I read.

You have given a lot of people a helping hand on here, and your job means that you help the rest of us muddle on. I am sorry that things are going so badly for you, I hope it all picks up somehow

I hope your DS is OK - sometimes it takes a bit of an 'event' to shake everyone into action?
I think there's a clue in 'DH and I had a day out alone. The first one in probably 20 yeras. It was nice.' This surely is a good start?

I'm not going to start advocating date night, or other such nonsense. They can seem really naff and forced. But life sometimes just gets too busy to fit in proper time with our other half. Too much taken up with work, running the house, children, broken showers etc...

It sounds to me like your DH is like most can be! In my house this goes in cycles... and then it usually comes to a head with me saying " I'm not happy with this, what can we do?" then he gets defensive and humphs off (as he dodesn't like confronting any problems). Then he comes back and says sorry you're right. And things improve for a while; more chat, more cuddles, more connection ( occasionally more sex ) then after a couple of months things drift off back to wher they were. In down times I wonder is this it? Where's my soulmate? In good times, I recognise all the good points we have and try not to expect miracles. Ups and downs. That's life.

Why don't you go off and stay with a friend for a weekend. Or even have a day out on your own one weekend and leave all the food etc. Beleive me they'll appreciate you then. A bit of absence makes the heart grow fonder?