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Relationships

Mumsnet has not checked the qualifications of anyone posting here. If you need help urgently or expert advice, please see our domestic violence webguide and/or relationships webguide. Many Mumsnetters experiencing domestic abuse have found this thread helpful: Listen up, everybody

Arranged marriage - ten years down the line and i've had enough of compromising

18 replies

ajuba · 27/02/2012 17:47

ten years of marriage and now I think I need to have the courage to break away - but i don't. It was an arranged marriage, that I was kind of emotionally blackmailed into. he's not from the UK and our outlook is very very different. He's from a male-dominated society and it shows. Over the years I've had to put up with MIL coming over every couple of years and staying for months' at a time. He's controlling and doesn't like me going out with friends. he doesn't actually say this but gets in a mood when I do, to the point that i've stopped having a social life and have very few friends. he has anger issues and sometimes blows up over little things and loses it big time. I've explained this is not acceptable but apparently I provoke him by speaking to him disrespectfully. we have three DCs under ten. he is good with them but I worry about the impact his outbursts have on them. He doesn't like me having opinions that are different to his. he doesn't like it if I am ever rude to extended family, even if it is justified. But I can't leave. my mum would be devastated. I think we need a third party to mediate between us. To show him where his behaviour is unaccepatable and maybe where I am in the wrong too. would this be a good move? has anyone ever tried this.

OP posts:
Doodlez · 27/02/2012 17:49

a) you're not living your mum's life.

b) do you love him?

QuintessentialyHollow · 27/02/2012 17:51

Your mum should be devastated that you have to put up with this sort of behaviour, NOT that you are considering breaking free.

HotDAMNlifeisgood · 27/02/2012 17:53

The third party you are hoping for is a mythical creature: no-one can "show him" that his behaviour is unacceptable if he is unwilling to hear the message.

He hasn't been willing to hear it from you, and you're the person who is trying to be treated with respect. What does it say that you think it more likely that he might choose to treat you with respect only if a figure with more authority tells him so?

He's ticking all the boxes for angry and controlling men, by the way.

butterflyexperience · 27/02/2012 18:51

If you get a third party involved, all they will do is tell you that you are a bad wife and must do more to respect your husbands wishes.

You know that deep down right?

Are you legally married or just religiously?
If it is the former get legal advice to what you are initialled to financially.
Also if he starts to threaten you record every single event and report to the police, just in case he is stupid enough to do something crazy.

Protect yourself and your children financially and physically

IvanaHumpalot · 27/02/2012 18:56

Have you got a local woman's group you could go to? Perhaps one specifically for your religious/cultural needs (I'm assuming you are Asian - either Muslim or Hindu, Sikh - my apologies with my assumption if you are not). I have no experience of arranged marriages, but can imagine the emotional/societal pressure you were under to make the marriage. Perhaps speaking to other women who have had an arranged marriage and either worked through or separated would help you.

something2say · 27/02/2012 20:16

Southall Black Sisters if London.

This is classic DV and yes you are entitled to leave.

Hassled · 27/02/2012 20:22

Southall Black Sisters contact details - and they'll point you in the direction of a local group if you're not in London. They have a campaign re forced marriages and a lot of experience in helping women - worth you having a look.

eandz · 27/02/2012 21:14

oh Ajuba I'm sorry you are going through this. There was a group that was setting up to help, but they weren't set up properly and I doubt they've actually got their act together...theres a sweet little group run by ulfa aid that may be able to help. They have a cafe you can go to in kilburn to just talk and see if someone can help--the cafe is called 'Rumi's Cave' and it's on 26 willesden lane NW6.

SnapesMistress · 27/02/2012 22:09

Do you love him? Did you ever?

If the answer is no you can leave, you can do whatever you like. Screw your mum, would you inflict such a miserable life on your DD?

ajuba · 28/02/2012 10:02

I'm not sure that I love him or ever loved him. But then I've never had any other relationship so have nothing to compare it to. There are times that we get on and have a laugh together but the bad times out weigh the good. I suppose it probably wouldn't be a good idea to get someone else to mediate as it could easily back fire on me. I wouldn't go to a women's group as we have tight-knit community and wouldn't trust people from within to be discreet.

OP posts:
boredandrestless · 28/02/2012 10:09

Would you want this life for your children?

He's controlling, has a temper, has 'outbursts'. A 3rd party such as counselling won't work because of this. You can't change his personality and outlook on women and relationships, it will be too deeply ingrained, something he has learnt from a very young age. And your children are repeating the cycle.

Can you call women's aid to chat?

suburbophobe · 28/02/2012 10:34

So sorry you're in this situation. You were "emotionally blackmailed" into it.

I hope you can find your strength to get out of it... Maybe some counselling for you alone?

Do you honestly want to look back on your life and say "I lived my life to please my mum".

suburbophobe · 28/02/2012 10:37

Do you know this organisation?

www.karmanirvana.org.uk/

Bogeyface · 28/02/2012 11:27

I was going to recommend Karma Nirvana too. They are fantastic organisation, they started local to me and have literally saved womens lives.

But they dont just deal with physical abuse victims or forced marriage victims, which tbh I see yours as because you feel you didnt have a choice. They also help women like you who are living with controlling and otherwise abusive men.

Do give them a call.

I know that there are many successful arranged marriages, it wasnt that long ago that it was the norm in the UK for the monied classes (some would say it still is), but an arranged marriage should not mean you sign up for misery for the rest of your life.

AttilaTheMeerkat · 28/02/2012 11:33

Would second both calling Karma Nirvana and Womens Aid.

What do you get out of this relationship now?. You were also emotionally balckmailed into it.

Mediation where abuse has and is taking place is a complete waste of time; he will not ever respond to mediation. Joint counselling as well is NEVER recommended at all where abuse is happening.

Your mother does not have to live with your abusive H daily, her opinion is therefore irrelevant. Its not about her and what she may well think, its about you and your children instead.

What do you want to teach your children about relationships?

BTW my friend has managed to now escape her abusive H from her arranged marriage. She was as emotionally scarred as you are so it can be done.

No-one benefits from being in an abusive relationship.

LemonTurd · 28/02/2012 21:16

He sounds like an emotional abuser - mediation does not work for men like him.

You've already taken the first, and courageous, step posting on here. That shows you've already seen the light at the end of the tunnel. Your life doesn't have to be this way.

Contacting one of the orgs mentioned above is your best bet.

Don't confide in anyone from your family or the community, like you said, I fear they'd betray your trust.

For now, act as normal as possible with your H, so as not to arouse suspicion.

Good advice from Refuge here and here

LemonTurd · 28/02/2012 21:18

Does he know you're an MNer? Perhaps think about covering your tracks online, too.

butterflyexperience · 28/02/2012 21:31

Ajuba - how are you?

Being abused can feel so lonely

We can help you reach a decision if that's what you need/want
Or just talk Smile

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