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Relationships

Mumsnet has not checked the qualifications of anyone posting here. If you need help urgently or expert advice, please see our domestic violence webguide and/or relationships webguide. Many Mumsnetters experiencing domestic abuse have found this thread helpful: Listen up, everybody

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Original poster

Very sad and disappointed about grandparents

17 replies

donttrythisathome · 27/02/2012 16:15

Hi
I'm feeling very sad at the moment and just came on for a bit of a moan really!

I have a 2 year old DD and none of the sets of grandparents live nearby.
However they don't really make any effort to come and visit either. My own mother just cancelled a visit because of a very minor medical matter which is making her face slightly unsightly (hasn't visited since the beginning of November). The other grandmother comes maybe 3 times a year (3 hour drive away). The grandfathers are not worth mentioning as they have no interest. When the grandmothers are here they are interested.

It's just they don't come!

I've just been at a child's party where all the other guests get fantastic support.

I know you can't expect it. But I feel so sad for my daughter to miss out. And sorry for myself.

Is anyone in the same situation and if so, how do you manage your feelings? It is starting to eat away at me and I don't want to pass it on to my DD.

Also (seriously!) has anyone "adopted a granny". Is there anything available like that? I would like her to have a next generation influence in here life.

OP posts:

bibbityisaporker · 27/02/2012 16:23

Do you ever go and visit them? Both sets of my dc grandparents live 70 - 100 miles away and we have never seen them more frequently than once every three months or so, and that includes us going to visit them a couple of times a year.

The grandparents were never available to babysit for us and never took care of the children at all until they were older and could go and stay for a few days in the school holidays.

It is the norm for many families with children but I am of course sorry that you feel sad about it.

squeakytoy · 27/02/2012 16:30

My own mother just cancelled a visit because of a very minor medical matter which is making her face slightly unsightly

Do you not have any sympathy for the poor woman???

What is stopping you from going to visit them?

Original poster

donttrythisathome · 27/02/2012 16:36

I do visit them of course. I do have sympathy for my mother yes.

OP posts:

igggi · 27/02/2012 16:39

It is odd for her not to have seen you since before Christmas, yes.

Original poster

donttrythisathome · 27/02/2012 16:45

I know time does fly, but I wish they made a bit more of an effort.

My own mother helps my DB (a single parent) a lot, and also helped my DS when her DC were young. I'm talking about daycare, nightmare, overnight care, washing and ironing. Ridiculous amounts - I wouldn't allow her to do all that tbh. So I kind of forgave her for not making an effort as she has/had enough on her plate.

But this latest cancellation (and never suggesting a visit - I laws have to sort of persuade her) just made me very emotional

MIL's first grandchild, and she is retired. But she started helping to run a tots group in the last year and won't travel when it's on (which is every week she says, no breaks it seems). Of course she should have her own life. But I would just love her to put DD first for once and spend some time.

OP posts:

Original poster

donttrythisathome · 27/02/2012 16:46

By DS I meant DSis sorry.

OP posts:

Original poster

donttrythisathome · 27/02/2012 16:47

I am so sorry for the many typos. I'm feeling all over the place.

OP posts:

thisisyesterday · 27/02/2012 16:50

aww OP, it is sad. i totally get where you're coming from

it's easy for people to sit and say "well go and visit them"... but that doesn't make it any better that your own parents don't appear to want to make the effort to spend time with their grandchildren. that it's all a bit much effort.

my partner is an only child. his parents are in good health and can drive and yet they very, very rarely come up to see us, despite the fact that these are the only grandchildren they'll ever have!
they prefer us to travel for 6 hours, with 3 children, down to see them instead!

MandyT68 · 27/02/2012 16:50

This broke my heart too. Nothing you can do and we made all the running and travelled stupid distances. My mother won't leave her town at all. MiL better now they are older but did nothing for the first 8 years. She seemed to be frightened we were going to expect help. We just wanted the odd phone call or visit to see them. Both grandfathers were better but in a distant sort of way but sadly died. Living a long way away means ours have tonnes of other adults but not relatives.

slalomsuki · 27/02/2012 16:55

Ours are 200 and 300 miles away respectively and we always seem to be the ones making the effort.

What gets me is all the other people who have grandparents nearby who pick their kids up from school for them and babysit when required and yet still the parents moan about lack of help.

I know it's my choice to have kids and I can't help that they and I live do far apart but it dies get to me at times.

Original poster

donttrythisathome · 27/02/2012 16:55

It's good to know I'm not alone, but sorry to hear about your negative experiences.

Maybe the key is just to focus on other relationships. What to do with my anger though!

OP posts:

Original poster

donttrythisathome · 27/02/2012 16:59

And you know, I think the distance would not be a major issue if they really wanted to. Before we had DD they seemed to visit our lovely scenic part of the coast a lot lot more....

OP posts:

skateboarder · 27/02/2012 22:10

Op, dont feel angry. Feel sorry for them that they are missing out.
Fill your childs life with other people who care.
They will reap what they sow.

ToxicToria · 27/02/2012 22:21

I have a similar situation but my mum who stays round the corner was alway phoning and wanting to see ds but since my sister had her dc 3 years ago my mum hadn't phoned or visited, every time I phone or go round she doesn't have anytime as she is babysitting for my sis it really upsets me that we were so close and now we have nothing. My dp's parents aren't involved either

pollyblue · 27/02/2012 22:23

My parents are not nearby either - Dad and stepmum we see about 4 times a year, Mum and stepdad maybe twice. Dad and stepmum take a lot of interest - regular phone calls etc - my Mum not so much, although I know she loves the DDs.

My DDs have sort of surrogate grandparents in the shape of a couple of friends we've known a good ten years - a retired, very active couple. I'm good friends with their daughter, who's my age. We live very close to them so DDs have seen them regularly since birth, and they adore them. They are fantastic people, and I'm very glad my DDs have them in their lives.

So OP, maybe adopting a granny is the way to go!

Doha · 27/02/2012 23:35

Agree with pollyblue

There are loads of older people through different circumstances have no GDC's who would love to get involved in family life.

Why not give it a shot?

Original poster

donttrythisathome · 28/02/2012 00:01

It's good to know I'm not alone. I knew that anyway but it's good to hear some positive words about it too.
Must think of ways for her to get some interaction with the older generation.
I had a positive thought about it earlier and it's that it is freeing. It gives me the option to move somewhere else in the world - Canada or somewhere, which I thought I wouldn't want to do as too far away from DD's extended family. But seeing as the feckers have limited interest there's nothing to stay close for! It's not the way I want to live, but it's one positive slant to put on it.

OP posts:

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