How do I tell dd ....

[Squirrel3]

That I can't baby-sit for her when ever she clicks her fingers?

She expects me to look after her two kids almost everyday. Don't get me wrong, I adore my grandchildren and my dd but when do I get any time for myself? They are her kids, I know when I became a Mum that I'd signed up for life but I thought that as she got older my responsibilities towards her would lessen.

I started a new job this week and on my first day she kept on phoning my mobile, I put it on silent and phoned her back on my lunch hour "Where are you? I wanted you to have the kids!" she said, "I'm at work, you remember, its my first day" I replied, to which she replies "Can't you say you are sick or something?" I told her I couldn't and wouldn't, "Ok," she says "what time do you get home?? and I was expected to pick up the kids on the way home from work.

She does this to me nearly everyday, she phoned this morning and I told her I had been awake since 3.45am with stomach pains, this obviously didn't 'go in' as her next sentence was "Can you have the kids for me?"

I am shattered with the new job, I've been awake since 3.45am, I'm in pain but why can't I say "No" to her? The last time I said no she threatened that I wouldn't ever see them again but I stood my ground and told her I couldn't, I am too tired to argue with her again over this so it is much easier if I do have them today, but how can I stop her from doing this to me?

I've tried talking to her, I even wrote her a letter explaining things but it doesn't make any difference. I know she is taking advantage and I'm probably a mug for letting her do it but...

I?m sure she thinks I am super human, I was a single mum to her, with nobody to help out (no mother or father) and if I got ill I just got on with it, what other choice do us Mums have? I don?t want to fall out with her over this and I know it will cause a huge argument when I tell her I can?t do it all of the time.

Sorry this is long

Squirrel, I think your daughter has a blooming cheek to be quite honest with you - she's using you as an upnpiad babysitter. Yiu are not being unreasonable at all by asking 'what about me'?

She really does need to realise that you have a life as well. Having said that, I know how hard it is to say no.

Do you think she could be depressed and cant cope having the kids around? I remember when my ds's were younger some days i would be desperate to get them out of the house, Id call my mom, my sister, my mil - anyone who i thought might have them. I made up excuses - Ive got the doctors, Ive got to go out blah blah blah...

It does sound very unfair to you though, My mom just tells me no or does what shes doing today - sending my 6 year old brother round for the afternoon!

I dont know what advice to give as Ive never been in the situation, obviously you dont want to lose them (It is cruel to threaten you with not seeing them again ) Do you think she means it?

Sometimes I think you have to go for the direct approach, hard as it is.

sobernow, I've done that, she didn't get in touch for three weeks, that's when I wrote her a letter explaining that although I loved her and the grandchildren I had a life too and I of all people knew the responsibilities and restrictions that being a parent brings. I understood that it can be frustrating and upsetting at times.

I also told her that she and I and I have both moved on in our lives now she is grown up but that didn't mean that I care any less about her now than I did when she was a child, it?s just that the level of responsibility is different now because she is an adult. Having said that I am her Mum, I will always be her Mum and I would be pleased to baby-sit the grandchildren when I can, and that I love them both to bits, but I couldn't do it at the 'drop of a hat' I needed more notice and I needed to be able to live my life too.

Things did get better for a few weeks but it has slowly gone back to what it was before, her expecting me to spring into action evry time she wants me to.

I think you have to stand firm.
If she threatens you with not being able to see them and you give in, it will happen more and more won't it? Agree with Sobernow - you should say "Well, that is totally your decision if you decide I will not be seeing my grandchildren any more. I will be devestated not to see them - its not what I want but if its what YOU want, I have no choice"
I have made my mind up that when mind have children that I will look after them on occasions but I will NOT be an unpaid babysitter at the drop of a hat. I had my children (DDs 17 and14) late in life and when they have left home, need to lead a life of my own. I looked after mine with no help whatsoever from my parents or DHs parents. My husband was away most of the week with work, and I managed, hard though it was. You can cope if you are organised enough.
I do think she is being extremely selfish and mean and it is emotional blackmail. Do what you want to do in the way of looking after them but stand firm and have a life yourself also.
Good luck.

Tamba, yes I think she is finding it difficult but she does have a dp that will help out (albeit just playing with them while she has a lay in, while she does her house work or a long soak in the bath).

Don't get me wrong I love having them, its just I need to have some time for myself too and I don't mind having them a couple of evenings and for a few hours over the weekend but not everyday.

Oh dear. Sounds very hard. I can't really think what you can do except psyche yourself up for saying no again... I think that unless you show your daughter that your schedule is important to you by not backing down she will continue to take advantage, unfortunately. Would it be worth telling her when you can have the kids and just avoiding her/saying no without too much discussion at all other times, referring her to when you can have them next? e.g: "Sorry dd- working/shopping/relaxing today. I can have them Friday, if you like? Let me know. Bye now." I guess emotionally that's really hard for you to do without feeling terrible, though, and your daughter picks up on that. Do you find it hard to say no to people generally or just feel blocked with your dd? I think chatting some things through with a therapist/counsellor might be helpful if you are not anti that sort of thing. Maybe actively planning and role playing some "Saying no" situations would help too. Hope things improve for you one way or another, squirrel. Good luck.

i can't believe the way your daughter is behaving can i ask how old she is? is she very young? i can't believe an adult can behave like this!
you need to sit down and say to her' are you having problems? is there something you are not telling me?' and if there is a problem with depression or whatever you can help her seek the help she needs. otherwise you could maybe sit down with her and say something like' here's the calandar- i am working on this day this day and this day, i am going out on this day- got the gas man this day etc. now these are my free days would you like me to have the kids on one or two of these days?' . put yourself in control of the situation kind of.
quite frankly , i think she's got a cheek and i'm just imaging my mums reaction if I acted like that

Squirrel - I think a couple of evenings a week and a few hours on the weekend is very very generous - there are lots of parents with young children who don't have that.

How old is she Squirrel? I can hardly believe that a mother of 2 - of whatever age, can have such ridiculous expectations of her own mother!

Oh Squirrel she is taking the P. You have to stop letting her.

I would get my mum to have my son a lot more than she does, but she won't and I accept that she has her own life. This doesn't stop me (sometimes) begging her to take him for an hour while I have a bloody bath, but then she babysits once every 6 months, so different situation here.

But when she turns me down, even if I did threaten to stop her seeing ds, which I never would, then actually stopping her seeing him for good whould be cutting off my nose to spite my face, and I couldn't keep it up!

I would repeat some of what you put in your letter to her before and say that now you are doing your job obviously you have less time. I'd tell her exactly when you can have them and refuse to get into an argument, just repeat the facts and leave it at that. If she does all the "you're not seeing the children" thing again, let her get on with it and know that at some point she will be back. I think she is completely out of order personally. My Mum hasn't been able to walk properly for the last couple of years so hasn't been able to help. But when she can I would be just grateful for the odd couple of hours occasionally.

Scummymummy and alexsmum, in theory I totally agree with arranging set days, but unfortunately dd will not keep to them I've tried, if I can't even start a new job without her trying to get me to leave on the first day to look after the kids I don't think a schedule will help.

BTW it is only dd I have this problem with, she is a very 'strong' character, (and although I love her to bits) she is very self absorbed and can only think about what is going on in her life not what might be going on in anybody else?s. Actually I don't know many people who will say no to her, there is something about her as a person that stops you from doing it, I don't understand it, many people have tried over the years and not been able to come to any conclusions. It sounds like I don?t think much of her but I do, she had a hard time I her teens, she was being terribly bullied and was so traumatized by it she tried to commit suicide. She came through it stronger but now (I guess) people have got into the habit of trying not to upset her and she now expects people to do what she wants and it is hard to break the cycle.

I absolutely sympathise with you Squirrel but you are not doing yourself any favours letting her walk all over you like that. It sounds like you feel bad about what happened to her when she was younger which I think is totally natural for a loving mum but it's not your fault. You sound like a caring and loving gran so don't feel bad about telling her you need time for yourself.

At the end of the day, they are HER children, not yours.

I think ultimately there is very little you can do to directly change/control HER behaviour- that is up to her- but there will be stuff you can do to change how you respond. You CAN say no, avoid her, refuse to listen to emotional blackmail, insist on going about your own business, not answer the door when you've said you're busy etc etc. You come across as feeling hopeless and convinced that it is impossible to do anything against the strong will of your daughter. While I'm sure you are right that it is a massive and difficult task, I think that a first step has to be for you to start seeing it as possible. Otherwise absolutely nothing will shift, that's for sure.

I think you are right, I will have to remind her what was in the letter and say "no" more often to her, she needs to learn it. No doubt it will cause arguments and bad feeling at first but I have to stand up to her, I've tried the softly, softly approach, time to be more direct.

Janos, yes, you are right I do feel bad about what happened to her when she was young, I felt helpless, the school wouldn't accept that there was a problem, even when I showed the teachers the bruises and her eye lashes which had been cut off with a pair of sissors!! Yes I said cut!!!

I took her out of the school and I know that (realistically) I did everything I could to try to protect her but I failed and she tried to take her own life not just once but several times.

Anyway, I've got to go, I'll get back on here later, thanks for listening and the advice, I know I've got to be firmer with dd and I'm going to do it, I will talk to her later.

Squirrel - I think it doesn't matter how old dd is. She has to accept that she is the mum and that you are the granny. Yes you will help out - occasionally - but you have a life - you have done your mummy thing etc.

This is the line my mum takes - sometimes borders on being a selfish cow - but fair enough. FWIW - I think your dd should be a little bit more appreciative of what you are doing - more than a lot of mums get IMO.

Good luck to you Squirrel. You like a fab mum and a fab gran. I think your DD is lucky to have you!

That should be you sound like a fab mum.....cannot type today, LOL.