AIBU to end my marriage over an iPod?

[Bogeyface]

Sounds stupid doesnt it?

Potted history....

various lies over the years, nothing major really but it all adds up, you know? And then last year, 5 weeks after giving birth, I found out that H had been having a sexting affair (and trying to arrange to meet for sex although she seemed to be reluctant to go the final step) for almost a year, so most of our marriage.

I made it clear that if we were to work past it there would have to be 100% honesty, no more lies.

I had Norovirus starting in the early hours of Saturday morning. I was over the worst of it by lunchtime yesterday although still had the runs and was feeling fairly rough. I came downstairs and saw him holding something I hadnt seen before. He shoved it out of the way and I said "what was that?" He said he had been holding the remote, which was so laughably stupid, and I said "Dont lie to me, what was it" and it turns out that it was a new ipod touch. I lost it.

Not because he bought it, I have bought a new phone this last week, and I have no problem with him spending his money on such things. I went mental because his first insinct was to lie. AGAIN. He made excuses, which I shot down in flames, and then attempted to turn it into being my fault ("you would have only had a go at me".....erm based on what evidence exactly?).

I say that I gave him a choice 9 months ago, when I found out about his affair. Either the lies stopped or our marriage was over. As he hasnt stopped lying, he has clearly made his choice and our marriage is over. Frankly I wouldnt believe him now if he told me that the sky was blue. He has always erred on the side of bullshit, I have no idea why.

I told him last year that I was this close to not loving him anymore. That every little thing had killed the trust and the love bit by bit and that I was sure that another incident would kill it altogether and tbh, I think it has.

Last year I asked myself, and him, over and over why he married me if was going to cheat. What I didnt ask myself, until last night, was why I married him. I am too good for him, I always was. The problem was that he knew that and I didnt. Now I do, WIBU to end our 2 year marriage?

He is a liar.

He is selfish.

I would bet that there are messages on that iPod he wouldn't want you to see.

It is very sad for you and your family, and I daresay he will be heartbroken, but in very simple terms - he had a chance and he's blown it. He's been lying again because he's selfish and values your feelings and his family so little - yes, you're too good for him.

Can I just offer a bit of advice about the future and the happiness of your family? Be sad that it's ended, mourn the end of your marriage and the break-up of your family, - get help with this (I see are going to Relate for you - good). But don't waste any time or energy getting angry, - be free of hateful or bitter feelings about him. The divorce and agreeing contact process will be so much less painful if you can, and the children will be happier for it.

Good luck.

I am not angry, I am just tired and so sad.

It could have been so different and he will be so upset, but he has been the architect of his own unhappiness, silly man :(

{{hug}}

BF, you know you ae going to have to be very strong, don't you ?

When he realises you are serious, the charm offensive and oh-so-believable promises to be a better man will start

he just can't do it though, can he ?

BF you sound so calm and strong. I'm so sorry you're going through this.

I've also just decided to split after one lie too many. Unlike you I'm absolutely furious.

Why are some people so incredibly stupid?

I wonder if I am not angry because deep down I have always been expecting this. I wasnt surprised that he had lied again, just shocked that he valued us and our marriage so little.

I did anger, am now onto acceptance.

I think you knew it was only a matter of time before he let you down again, BF

If it makes you feel any better, my first marriage ended over a frisbee. Sometimes there is just a tipping point where you know it will never get any better and will probably get worse.

there is a very good reason for the old sayings "the straw that broke the camel's back" and "death by a thousand paper cuts"

You want a laugh?

If I needed any proof that I am doing the right thing (I dont, but if I did....) then this morning provided it.

I found a receipt in the bathroom for the iPod that showed it cost twice as much as he said it it did. Last night. While trying to convince me to give him another chance. While he was swearing to be 100% truthful. He never was very careful, I found out about the sexting because he left his secret phone in the trousers he specifically asked me to wash.

If it wasnt so bloody tragic it would be hilarious.

I am now of the opinion that he has a genuine problem. The major issue had been found out, why lie again when it was his money to spend as he wished? Why would I care if it cost £10 or £10,000 if he had the money to spend and I know he did so there is no worry there. And I am beginning to think that he needs to get found out, but fuck knows why. Either he wants me to know these things in which case just tell me or he doesnt in which case be more careful!

I told him today that he needs to get help because his lying and dishonesty has totally destroyed his life. He cried, I think he has finally realised what he has done. I genuinely believe that there is more to this than simple "fuck you", I have been thinking back to other totally non related incidents, things that happened pre-us and they all have a self sabotage whiff about them. Its like whenever he gets something good, he wrecks it.

He worked tooth and nail to get the first step on a career he wanted and then fucked it up by jacking it in after a couple of months. Yet he has spent the next 10 years regretting it. Why?! I hope that this gives him the kick he needs to get help because I really do think he needs it.

As for what happens now, as I said, I am seeing Relate and I will sit and have a think about practicalities too.

I feel very sad today, mainly that my DD is not yet a year old and already her family is broken :(

You may have put you finger on it there, BF

The thing is though, it's his problem

Are you willing to sacrifice your own happiness on the altar of his inadequacy ? How many more of his fuck-ups does he expect you to make better for him ?

I think you a stronger person than that. You are certainly a stronger, and better, person than him. The crying now is to get you to feel sorry for him, tell him all will be ok. Again.

I don't know if telling lies something that some people just can't help .. my STBXH's favourite phrases are 'to be honest' or 'trust me' and yet a less honest or trustworthy person would be hard to find..

I sometimes think that he is actually dilusional and is a bit of a Walter Mitty character .. perhaps your H is just the same??

It's a bit like being a little boy and trying to worm his way out of trouble when he's not in trouble anyway??

Dont misunderstand me AF, I am not changing my mind.

But I cant help exploring the whys and wherefores, I am an analyser by nature!
Its just weird that in the 2 years since we got married he has systematically destroyed everything he wanted. He wanted marriage and a stable family, he wanted DD and to live with her and bring her up. He has a DS by an ex from many many years ago that he didnt know had been conceived until he saw her out one day with her almost term bump, and she said "oh btw, this is yours". He has never had a good relationship with his son and he puts this down to the difficulties with him and his ex, and the fact that because of that, he couldnt be with his son very much. He was determined that that would never happen if he had another child.

And yet he has made sure that he doesnt live with her full time anymore! Its almost as if he is frightened of having anything good in his life. And thats really sad.

Yes, it's sad

He isn't going to change. You see that now, I guess.

The worst bit for me is that I dont think that even this will prompt him to change. I hope it does, but I dont think it will.

I think he will go through the rest of his life like this, being unhappy and lonely, fucking up one potentially good relationship after another.

Yup

Hi BF, sounds like you're in a difficult situation. I can empathise - being married to someone with a constant need to keep secrets is awful. My (ex) H is also like this. His counsellor apparently (so he tells me) puts it down to experiencing serious childhood abuse. When children are abused by parents or other people this often involves keeping the abuse a secret, and that sort of becomes a habit. Or something.
In any case, it's rubbish for you. You've definitely done the right thing by arranging counselling for yourself, you nee to keep a clear head because he won't.

It may well be that your H subconsciously or even consciously thinks he doesn't deserve anything good if he's been told that a a child. That doesn't mean you should have to suffer though.

Some blokes, or people really, are simply liers, they are incapable of telling the truth, even when it's easier - and I don't understand why.

You've hit the nail on the head when you say it's HIS problem. It is, it's not yours!!

YANBU

This should help!

Wrong thread!

yanbu

YANBU.

Mine lied for years and has been sexting too, on the net.

He has been given one last chance and I was riveted by your thread, as I half fear it will be me next doing what you are doing.

Mine did go to counselling and explored his need to lie and manipulate to some extent. Answer- power and control.