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Relationships

Mumsnet has not checked the qualifications of anyone posting here. If you need help urgently or expert advice, please see our domestic violence webguide and/or relationships webguide. Many Mumsnetters experiencing domestic abuse have found this thread helpful: Listen up, everybody

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Original poster

Can you give me an answer when I don't even know what my question is?

17 replies

StopComplaining · 27/02/2012 12:49

DH and I have been married for 11 years, our eldest child is 8.
Overall I am happy, we had counselling 4 years ago and it really transformed our relationship.
When we fall out it's always the same old thing:
He's unhappy because no matter what he says I go, '...and do what I want anyway...'.
I'm unhappy because, '...you don't do enough around the house...'.
How does one get round repetitive disagreements?
A couple of Saturday's ago DH and I had an argument, I felt the last week or so he was constantly making negative and condescending comments toward me and I finally blew.
As a result,, he's totally withdrawn from me, no affectionate words, no physical contact. Nothing.
We're functioning parents around the children.
Yesterday morning, I asked if we could talk in the evening, he said there was nothing to talk about, he was just sick of me, 'What's the point in talking, you'll always be right, I'll always be wrong', and turned his back on me.
I love my husband and generally we get on really well, he is a hard worker, he tells me (except for this week) constantly that he loves me and I trust him, but you know sometimes the bile rises in your throat when you feel taken advantage of and for a 'quiet' life you bite your lip?
He always has a weekend lie in. He never gets up to help get the kids ready for school even though I also work. Never does laundry, ironing, leaves dirty dishes on the side right by the dishwasher, he does cook once a week. Falls asleep when putting the kids to bed but then moans when I want to go up at 11pm. Leaves pants, socks, wet towels lying around. Touches me sexually in inappropriate ways or situations and gets upset if I tell him to stop.
Last night he came to bed after me and I really missed him, I hugged him in my dreamy sleep, he hugged me back, held me tightly, it was so lovely and we fell asleep like that.
When I got up I thought right, I'm going to break the ice tonight with a seduction and get back on track, but after 1 hour and a half of getting myself, kids and pack lunches ready whilst he's still in bed then once up, I'm following at a distance wringing out wet bath mats and picking up underwear I'm furious and thinking fcuk him (and not literally either).
On the relationship pages some people have harrowing experiences.
Mine is not.
I don't even know what my question is.

OP posts:

Nagoo · 27/02/2012 13:07

I don't bite my lip.

SO I don't have seething resentment, and DH doesn't take the piss.

But he thinks I am 'Hitler' apparently :(

UtherTheTerrible · 27/02/2012 13:20

"Yesterday morning, I asked if we could talk in the evening, he said there was nothing to talk about, he was just sick of me, "What's the point in talking, you'll always be right, I'll always be wrong', and turned his back on me."

Translation: "I know it's unfair that you do more so I'm going to act like a victim so you'll stop bringing it up. And that way I won't have to change, because you'll be too busy defending yourself to notice that I've no intention of behaving differently."

I say that as someone who was acting like an absolute plonker a year back and whined to my partner (after he tried to talk about some of my behaviour) that I felt that I was always being gotten at by him and that I couldn't do anything right. My way of deflecting blame back at him. I'd say he's using the same tactic.

Original poster

StopComplaining · 27/02/2012 13:50

Nagoo, he always acts so hard done by when I ask him to help or get out of bed, 'he does so much at home', I just cannot see it. The inapporiate sexual behaviour gets the response of, '...don't you want me to find you desirable...okay I won't touch you at all if you're gonna be like that...', it's kinda all or nothing.
UtherTheTerrible, how did your partner get through to you?
Any other posters, I'd welcome your thoughts.

OP posts:

Nagoo · 27/02/2012 19:17

I can offer you management strategies? If that is what you are after?

Original poster

StopComplaining · 27/02/2012 20:10

Yes Nagoo, I'm intrigued. Are you a marriage counselor?

OP posts:

SageMist · 28/02/2012 07:05

Organise a session with Relate, tell him when it is. Go to session, with any luck he'll come too. If not you can talk about what you want to do.

My DH did this last year when things were very bad between us and I had threatened to leave. It took us three sessions to turn things around and now we are much happer than we have been for quite a while.

jshm2 · 28/02/2012 08:16

Take separate vacations and get some time away from each other. Sometimes you have to go away from the conflict to resolve it.

Your both in a childish spat at the moment and you'll never resolve it with one backing down only to blow a fuse and get riled up again.

So maybe take one of the kids and go away to a relative or somewhere else and have a few days to yourself. Release is what you both need.

Original poster

StopComplaining · 28/02/2012 09:27

SageMist, I was thinking of making my own appoinment actually. We've been to one (4 years ago), but he's the type of personality that probably wouldn't go back.
jshm2, you have a point, but I don't know how to resolve this without becoming an eternal door mat.

OP posts:

BertieBotts · 28/02/2012 09:55

Honestly it sounds to me like low grade emotional abuse, just the day to day kind of stuff which drags you down, XP was exactly like this in between his nasty outbursts. It doesn't have to be dramatic to be abusive. I know it sounds like an extreme word to use. The sexual harassment also has to stop.

Hullygully · 28/02/2012 09:58

He sounds a bit self-pitying, lazy and thick.

BoulevardOfBrokenSleep · 28/02/2012 10:00

You say, "we had counselling 4 years ago and it really transformed our relationship"

What was it that changed after the counselling? Has it changed back?

HotDAMNlifeisgood · 28/02/2012 10:00

seconds Bertie.

Original poster

StopComplaining · 28/02/2012 12:40

BoulevardOfBrokenSleep, hmm, hard to answer without sounding idiotic but it helped us not to 'take ourselves so seriously' and chill out a little. Compromise and be empathetic.
However, this division of labour, sleep, and not conforming is a regular cycle.

OP posts:

Original poster

StopComplaining · 28/02/2012 16:31

Bump

OP posts:

BoulevardOfBrokenSleep · 28/02/2012 21:04

I thought maybe your DH had started to pull his weight a bit more and has slipped back...

To be honest, you describe living with a man who... well, he doesn't really have any respect for you, does he?
It doesn't really sound like a partnership, more like a particularly irritating student flatmate. Except for the unwanted grabbing, which makes it that extra bit more grim... He tells you he loves you, but he doesn't really act like it, does he? Words are pretty cheap - well, free! Putting in a bit of effort is what costs, and it sounds like you're the one putting in most of the effort at the minute.

And the sulking...

How different do you think your life would be as a single parent? Except for having less underwear to pick up...?

DoMeDon · 28/02/2012 21:13

It hasn't transformed your realtionship though has it? You still cannot discuss and deal with things to mutual satisfaction. Having repetitive arguments and ongoing resentment is not a recipe for a harmonious marriage.

It is good that you learned to compromise and empathy - did he leanr that too? Maybe he could compromise on the amount of lay ins, maybe he could empathise with your resentful feelings.

It sounds yo me like you have difficulty prioritising yourself. You need and deserve time for yourself and must take it. it is not actually his fault alone that you pick up after him and do it all. He is an adult and should take responsibility for his share but equally you must not do it all then resent him for it. Do what you are happily willing to do and no more.

AnyFucker · 28/02/2012 21:22

Your husband sounds like a very, very selfish and sexist pig

how dare he grope you inappropriately...what are you, his property ?

how dare he leave his shit for you to pick up...what are you, his domestic servant ?

It must be like having a sloppy and disrespectful teenage son around the place

What does he bring to your relationship other than more stress for you ?Incidentally, what was the counselling 4 yrs ago prompted by ?

A marriage is supposed to be a partnership, when you agree to have children together you should be co-parents

it sounds very much like he takes, takes, takes and gives very little back

I feel bad for you, because it appears you he has you so frightened of his withdrawal and passive-aggressive sulking you mainly STFU and let him have his own way

this is no way to live...it will go one of 2 ways

your "outbursts" will increase, he will treat you worse to keep you in line and your relationship will probably end acrimoniously
you will find yourself keeping the peace more and more, until you have no self-belief and self-respect left at all

FWIW, you say your situation isn't as bad as some on here. I disagree. I think the relentless nature of his self-centred disrespect of you is bad, and more than worth a dispassionate look at whether you really want to stay with a man like this.

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