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Relationships

Mumsnet has not checked the qualifications of anyone posting here. If you need help urgently or expert advice, please see our domestic violence webguide and/or relationships webguide. Many Mumsnetters experiencing domestic abuse have found this thread helpful: Listen up, everybody

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Original poster

Husband cheated on 1st wife... wife no 2

26 replies

McCrappy · 27/02/2012 11:38

has found a FB message from the woman he shagged in a loo cubicle - thus ending 1st marriage.

2nd wife is my sister (hence name change). She's bothered by the exchange, although it only said "hi how are u" and some inane chat about how she's into zumba now, not bothered enough to bring it up though. Says it pointless and she doesn't want to be seen as nagging or paranoid.

She asked what I would do, I think I'd overreact horribly say something but not sure what to suggest...

OP posts:

Gumby · 27/02/2012 11:41

I'd tell him I don't want him contacting her again

kaluki · 27/02/2012 11:42

I would stay quiet but watch closely. See if he replies, or if more texts come from her. If she kicks off at mentions it to him now he will be on his guard and start hiding the texts and she won't know anything.
I think the important thing here would be if he replies or not. You can't blame the man for receiving a text. When DP and I first got together he had an ex that kept texting but he didn't reply and she soon got the message. If he replies he is encouraging further communication.
I do believe that once a cheater always a cheater tbh. If they are capable of doing it once they will do it again.

kaluki · 27/02/2012 11:43

Ah I didn't read that properly, it was an exchange of texts.

In that case it would depend on what his replies were like? Chatty? Flirty or just polite?

Original poster

McCrappy · 27/02/2012 11:51

Not texts, as far as sis knows they haven't exchanged numbers.

It was two very innocent and dull messages TBH but the history is horrid.

BIL has form, job away from the family, he cheated on first wife and a fiancée that came before sis, great catch eh?! He seems to have matured, this was all well over 10 years ago but you can never be sure can you and I know it torments her.

OP posts:

kaluki · 27/02/2012 12:08

Sorry - I really should read things properly!
If the messages were dull and innocent I would be inclined to leave it be.
Your poor sis. Its horrible not completely trusting your DH. There is always that niggly little doubt there and you look for signs everywhere.
Too much like hard work imo.

ameliagrey · 27/02/2012 12:10

I'd keep out of it unless she asks for help. Other people's marriages are their business.

Original poster

McCrappy · 27/02/2012 12:22

kaluki - I agree, she's younger than him, much better looking and I've never been entirely sure why she's wasting her time worrying about what he's up to when he's away, when she could do 1000x better.

amelia - she's asked for my advice, just needed more opinions because I'm prone to blowing things widely out of proportion - not sure why she asked me actually

OP posts:

Hattytown · 27/02/2012 12:53

If she's asking you for advice, then she is giving you permission to get involved and she has the right to ask for help. It would be a very strange sister or friend who refused to get involved.

Previous infidelity is always a red flag. If he regretted what happened then he would never have allowed this woman to befriend him on facebook or have any contact with her. His boundaries are therefore still very poor. You say your sister 'found' the message which implies that he kept this interaction a secret. There's usually a reason for that.

Much depends on your BIL's analysis of his former behaviour and his views on fidelity now. If he thinks it was just bad luck that he got caught with this woman or even relief that its discovery got him out of a bad marriage, there's more chance he'll allow himself to do it again. Similarly, if your sister is of the belief that she will be different and if she tries hard enough, she can stop him looking elsewhere, it's the wrong approach because that's not in her control.

Original poster

McCrappy · 27/02/2012 13:56

She messaged him but didn't add him as friend, she messaged him on the 19th and he didn't reply until yesterday, she found the message 2 hours after he sent it, but she hadn't spoken to him in the meantime, as he's working away ATM. So nothing sneaky or secretive.

From what she's said, he is sorry about his previous behaviour, both had serious repercussions for him, not sure why he did it a second time when the 1st time ended so badly but there we are.

She has said several times that she knows she's not different from the others, she's quite switched on and has a long term plan should history repeat itself.

Not sure why I'm worried for her, she's no walk over, but I know he's also very good at saying things he thinks people want to hear.

OP posts:

oldschoolgentleman · 27/02/2012 14:19

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ameliagrey · 27/02/2012 15:56

I think you are overreacting. This woman sent him a text. So? If he wants to play away with anyone he will. Don't atart looking to problems when they don't exist- time for that it anything hapens.

Eurostar · 27/02/2012 16:09

Do they have their facebooks and email open generally for each other to see? If not, if she is having to "spy" on him, it sounds like the relationship is already unhealthy.

The worrying thing here to me is that he didn't feel able to say to your Dsis that he got this communication out of the blue. So, for all his best efforts to change, he is still programmed to use secrecy in his intimate relationships and to not trust his partner.

Hattytown · 27/02/2012 17:22

Agree with Eurostar. If he got this message 8 days ago, the healthiest response would have been for him to say to her "Oh, you never guess who's contacted me out of the blue? I really don't want her contacting me so I'm going to send her a polite but firm message to that effect and up my privacy settings so that I can't be found on Facebook by a google search" - and that would be the end of the matter.

The fact that he left it for a few days before replying, didn't once tell your sister about it and didn't deter the ex from contacting him again in his reply is probably why your sister is worrying and feels unsettled.

Original poster

McCrappy · 27/02/2012 19:23

Have just spoken to sis again.

He didn't tell her because he's working in a place with little phone signal and no 3G/wifi. He replied when he saw the message when he managed to get online with his phone. She doesn't seem worried about that aspect.

The fact that this woman has obviously been hanging around BIL's profile is making her uneasy, she told me she'd already declined 2 FB friend requests from her without telling him.

She told him earlier that she didn't want him to contact her again.

OP posts:

FabbyChic · 27/02/2012 20:07

Your sister should block her. Go to her profile scroll down on the left under her friends will be block/report. Tell her to block her that should get the message across.

Eurostar · 27/02/2012 20:16

I may be missing something in translation here but she is trying to FB befriend your Sis?

If he can get on line to reply to the message, he can get online to send an email to your Sis and tell her about what is happening in his life. Mind you, I seem to be understanding that the woman has approached your sis and she didn't discuss with her H? Meanwhile she is spying on his FB?

It sounds like there are a lot of secrets in this relationship...

lilolilmanchester · 27/02/2012 20:20

your DSIS's DH shagged someone in a loo while he was still married... it's probably therefore quite hard for any subsequent wife to forget that? Am really not being judgemental, just putting myself in that situation and I wouldn't trust him as far as I could throw him TBH...

Original poster

McCrappy · 27/02/2012 20:56

Apologies I meant ex has tried to add BIL but sis has declined both times, he doesn't know about the requests.

OP posts:

Hattytown · 27/02/2012 21:15

They've got a complex relationship that seems to be built on fear and deceit. Your sister seems to be policing her husband's fidelity and has overstepped boundaries by declining friends requests on behalf of her husband and not telling him. It seems suspicious that the woman didn't take the hint and made a third request and makes me wonder whether she's in touch with your BIL through another medium?

Why did your sister let this request run then, if she's in the habit of stalking his FB? Was she setting him a test to see what he'd do?

None of his explanations account for not mentioning the contact to your sister. The only one that would be even partially understandable would be if he knew the news would cause your sister to be upset and he thought it better to be at home when that happened.

I don't blame your sister for being understandably concerned that history will repeat itself, but she made a decision to put that to one side when she married him. Unless there's other dodgy behaviour since then that you don't know about, it's very unhealthy in a relationship to be constantly conducting surveillance on a partner and usurping their freedom to make their own decisions. She obviously thinks he's a weak target and can't be trusted to rebuff another woman's advances, but she can't play the gatekeeper role indefinitely and none of this is within her control.

And tbh, if he's going to be unfaithful again it's more likely to be someone new on a business trip or at his current workplace, not the woman I expect he blames in part for bringing about his first downfall.

Original poster

McCrappy · 27/02/2012 21:52

She's messaging him but they're not friends, you can do that apparently, am not a big FB user!

I wish she'd just walk away! She has a detailed back up plan in case he messes around - she can't be happy living like that. I don't think he's given her a reason whilst they've been together, to be so mistrustful. I think she just thinks that old habits die hard.

OP posts:

Original poster

McCrappy · 28/02/2012 11:10

His ex tried adding him as friend during the night. Sis wants to reject it before BIL sees it, I've told her to leave it there.

She's getting worked up and apart from his past, I can't see why, I don't think.

OP posts:

kaluki · 28/02/2012 12:09

She should definitely leave it there and see if he accepts.
If he does it will show on his profile and then she can confront him.
My DP's ex tried to add him lots of times, he deleted her when they split up. She then sent him friend requests constantly until he just blocked her. Then her daughter kept sending friend requests. In the end he texted her telling her to back off. Some women just don't take the hint.
It doesn't sound like a healthy relationship at all though does it?

sunshineandbooks · 28/02/2012 16:24

I think your DSis needs to realise that it doesn't matter whether her H is unfaithful to her or not. What matters is that she lives in fear that he will be. There is a reason for that. Either it is a fear he is reinforcing through his behaviour or she insecurity issues.

Given the H's history and the fact that the DSis has had to set herself up as his fidelity guardian, I'd say it's the former.

Unless your DSis is prepared to live in an open relationship and turn a blind eye to her H's affairs, she has no choice but to end this relationship - irrespective of proof of infidelity. Because he will have an affair at some point - when she takes her eye off the ball for whatever reason because she's too busy living the other parts of her life.

It will hurt her I'm sure, but a little pain now could save her an awful lot of heartache and wasted years in the future. Making a mistake with a relationship is one thing. Compounding that mistake by staying in a relationship that will not work is just a waste of a life and a far, far bigger mistake.

steve6188 · 04/10/2017 02:51

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ThumbWitchesAbroad · 04/10/2017 03:25

Urgh, how awful.
Your BIL should, if he was any kind of man of integrity NOW (since he clearly hasn't been in the past), have told the toilet shag woman to fuck off, he's happily married and has zero interest in contact with her.

The fact that he has replied to the message would send alarm bells ringing for me too, tbh. I don't think it would be an over-reaction to say that she doesn't want him having any contact with toilet woman.

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