I am going to follow through this time, but it's so hard

[deadliftdiva]

I need a bit of moral support

I can't stop crying. I'm supposed to be working this morning, but can't seem to do anything. I'm so fucking angry with him.

I've finally realised that my lying, cheating, stealing arsehole of a stbxh is never going to change :(

I can't believe it's taken me so long to see the truth. He's fucked things up over and over again and I've supported him and helped him and bailed him out.

But I've just caught him lying again. He claims he hasn't been fucking someone else, but he has been lying about who he's been with and where.

I was suspicious about what he'd been up to a couple of evenings last week. I told him that if I found out he was lying, we'd be over. I found receipts that proved he was lying.

I've also discovered that he's run up yet more credit card debt. Over the course of our marriage, his fucking spending has cost us almost all the capital that I brought into the marriage. He came in with debt.

He once stole the contents of one of our dc's savings account. And has never paid it back. We earn plenty, but because he can't stop spending I've always had to worry about money.

Luckily I work full time and am paid OK. As long as he contributes the csa minimum for the kids, we'll be able to stay in our home. Things will be pretty tight, but at least I won't be constantly worried about him running up more debt.

I'm just heartbroken. This isn't what I wanted for my family. I've tried so hard.

I've name changed, I'm not really sure why. I'm trying for powerful and positive, although that it's hard to imagine ever feeling like that :(

Thanks for listening. It helps to have ranted here.

You will get to powerful and positive, don't worry - but it will take some time. And you'll find that when the deed is done it will feel like a weight's been lifted off you. And you know that you've tried your hardest - you didn't quit at the first hurdle; you tried and you tried again and you'll know, when the kids ask or sometime in the future, that you gave it absolutely your best shot but that through no fault of your own it didn't work. There shouldn't be any "what ifs" - you've done all you can.

What about the practicalities of telling him etc - does he have somewhere to go? Do you think he'll accept it fairly easily?

Thanks so much for replying Hassled. I feel so alone

I've already told him. I think he realises I mean it this time. He's feeling sorry for himself. He won't tell me where is was on the two nights last week. He says it's not a conversation to have over the phone.

He works away during the week, so I won't see him until Thursday now. If he gave a shit, he'd take some time off work and come home, but obviously his colleagues (one of whom I'm pretty sure he's shagging) are much more important than his family. (He wouldn't have any problem taking short notice time off - he's senior and well regarded. It would not cause any problems with his job).

I'm embarrassed to tell anybody IRL. I'm sure my friends will all tell me that I shouldn't have married him. And they don't know the half of it. You would not believe some of the things I've forgiven him for. What an idiot I've been

So sorry you are going through this. IME it's getting to the point of making that decision that's the hardest, once you have things get a lot easier.

I hope you're ok

Oh I'm so sorry.

I think you should tell a friend. They should be glad you're making the break, not running to tell you I told you so. I expect they'll be more supportive than you think. You'll have to face telling people at some point, so better to get it over with instead of have it hanging over you, and it will help you stick to your guns.

You've nothing to be embarrassed or ashamed about - you had hope he could change - he's the fuck-up here.

I wonder if he's reading this? He's just texted to say he's going to come back tonight.

I'm going to need willpower to resist the temptation to brush everything under the carpet again.

These are the reasons it has to finish:

As I've said above, he's fucked up our finances repeatedly. He prioritises his clothes/football/social life over his families financial security. We remortgaged for yet another £20k of credit card debt last year. And he's spending again.

He's emotionally abusive, using manipulation and sulking to control me. This has actually improved a lot since our last crisis, but he still reverts to these tactics under pressure.

He does not pull his weight around the house or with the kids.

He had unprotected sex with men (without my knowledge) before we were married, did not get STD check and slept with me.

He had unprotected sex with a random man when our dc1 was 9 months old. And then had sex with me. I was breastfeeding dc1. I had to stop cold turkey while we went throught the HIV testing process. It was the most traumatic few weeks of my life.

A few months later he had unprotected sex with a man again! I supported him through testing etc. What the fuck was I thinking? He kept threatening suicide. Manipulative fuck.

He's betrayed my trust over and over again. I cannot risk this happening again. This is not what I want my daughters to think a relationship is like.

I have to remember these things when I'm tempted to forgive him again.

Thanks again for listening.

He may well have had multiple affairs and/or ONSs with men and/or women. I don't know and it probably doesn't matter. He's taken me for a ride. And i let him. and loved him

Our dc are going to be so sad. It hurts me so much to think about how they're going to feel. They're only little - they don't deserve this.

Tell him not to bother coming back?

Bag up his stuff and have it on the doorstep?

Have a friend or family member with you to back you up when you tell him it's over?

If you doubt your ability to withstand his pressure, change the dynamic so he doesn't have his usual weapons. You don't owe it to him to talk it through, you don't have to explain why this has been the last straw. If you're sure this is the end of the road, don't give him the chance to bulldoze you.

Tell people in RL and get support, get people to be with you when he comesm"home" tonight, pack up his stuff and tell him to go.
His actions show he doesn't care for you or the kids more than his short term gratification.
If possible get some legal advice today.

I don't know who to tell IRL. He stays with my parents during the week. I don't want to tell them before he's sorted somewhere else to go.

All my close friends are too far away to come here. I don't have any close friends here. We moved to his home town a few years ago.

I have some friends who will help with practical stuff, I think, but I don't want to just sob at them for hours. I don't feel close enough to them to do that.

I've told him not to bother coming back tonight. He couldn't get here until late and then he'd have to leave at 5 to get in to work. I just want to shout at him anyway, and I couldn't do that because i don't want to disturb the my darling dcs.

God, I'm so rambling and negative. Sorry. Thanks so much for your help.

Oh I feel for you - you have tolerated so much and been supportive but enough is enough. You don' have to feel ashamed and it isn't your fault. You deserve support and help. Do fine some in RL to tell, it does help.

I'm sure your H wants it all to continue but he clearly has issues that he needs to fix and maybe the separation will help him to face up to these. You have tried for the sake of your dc's but it is time to stop.My ex was irresponsible with money and I remember the gut wrenching feelings I would have, it is no way to live (let alone all the affairs that you have been dealing with)

I think you are doing the right thing.

He's just phone. He's refusing to tell me who he was with, despite claiming that 'nothing happened'.

He stayed out all night on wednesday night and went out with this person on thursday night.

I just want to know what's been going on. He says he 'doesn't want to drag someone else into this'

God I am so fucking angry. How can he treat me with such utter fucking contempt?

I guess because you've forgiven him again and again - it hasn't made him value you more, just made him think he can treat you anyway he likes and you'll come back for more.

Why don't you start getting some wheels in motion? Make an appointment to see a solicitor- start working on him being an xh.

Tell him not to bother coming back. Tell your parents what has happened and ask them not to take him back in. He has enough money, he can go and stay in a hotel. His problem. As for not wanting to drag someone else into this, well, it says that he thinks more of their feelings than he does of yours

You have been MORE than tolerant and forgiving, but obviously you have come to that "no more" standpoint.
Its tough and it it will be tough in the future but good for you for making that decision, make sure that you stick to it!
He has treated you appallingly, just appallingly and you know he will never change because he has just carried on pleasing (in the full sense of the word) himself!

I am speechless. I actually cannot believe you have given this lowlife so many chances to fuck up your life, your finances, your health and your mind.

Even in your thread title, you are giving yourself an "out"

it's final this time.........but it's so hard

You must stand firm this time. He isn't even bothering to lie, simply stonewalling and expecting you to STFU (like you always have)

What more could he do to you, where you wouldn't type in that little get-out clause "it's so hard" ??

Blimey, what a vile man he sounds like - after all he has put you through, you would be a massive fool to let him get away with it again....

He's a shiit! He's keeping you hanging on be because of your need to know who he was with! Does it matter? Tell him you know you don't care and to stay away for good this time.

You already know what terror you felt getting that HIV test how many mire times are you prepared to go through it?
X

It doesn't matter about the details - you know in your heart and to your core that this person is no good.

Sometimes it helps to say aloud and tell someone what you've put up with, it helps strengthen your resolve to move on.

I know you are all right. Of course.

I see what you mean, AF. It's ridiculous. Part of me regrets having found the proof. Because if I hadn't done that, I could have chosen to believe his lies (even though I knew he was lying) and not have to go through with this.

But I know I'm worth more than this. It doesn't really matter what's been going on this time. The lies and deceit show what he thinks of me.

I'm sad about so many things. I won't be part of his family any more (apart from his very fucked up parents, his family are nice. I probably like them more than he does).

I'm sad because I haven't got the marriage I wanted. And the kids haven't got the family I wanted for them. But that's true anyway isn't it?

I can't believe the scale of the self deception that I've engaged in. Just in trying to close the gap between the relationship I want in my head and the one I've actually been living in. It's going to be difficult to stop doing that. But I really have to this time.

Thanks all. It really helps to talk about it here.

I've told a few friends in RL (well, by email - close enough). It makes it seem more real, but it also makes me realise I'm not alone.

I've been so busy (small children, work ft, studying pt, 'd'h away in the week) that I've neglected my friendships. I really regret that.

I guess if stbxh has the kids every other weekend, I'll have a chance to have a social life. So that's something to look forward to. Not sure how to go about creating a social life though.

This is scary.

Yes, it's scary but not half as scary as facing the rest of your lie with this inadequate man. Just a matter of time really, before he brings trouble to your door (again)

life

I know, AF. I hope he does get his behaviour under control, but it's too late for us now. Living in fear of whatever stupid thing he does next, whether financial, emotional, sexual. I can't go on like this.

He's feeling sorry for himself, but I think even he realises that there's nothing he can do now.

I'm glad I've told my friends. I've had some really nice messages of support already. I'll try to arrange some time with some of them soon. That would help a lot, I think.

I don't know what or how we're going to tell the dc. They're only little :(

Does anyone know any good books for advice on this? I'm at a total loss.