Tell me about your oh relationship with their parents?

[vix1980]

I ask this as someone who doesnt feel the need to see my family every day, even every week, we talk and text constanly but can go 3 weeks sometimes without actually seeing each other.

my OH on the other hand finds it hard to go 3 days without seeing his parents, ive only really realised this in the past few months hw much he actually does go back to theirs, he will "pop" in on the way home from work mon, tues and usually weds or thurs, then saturday they are invited round to our house, sunday his mil sometimes does a roast and i feel forced to go then. i just feel like im in a relationship with them too, i love my family to bits but if i had to see them that much id go mad and i feel the same about them.

its not just the visiting thats getting to me i never realise how much my oh seeks his dads approval for EVERYTHING, from choice of car, house, building work to be carried out, (let me just add his dad has no experience of buying cars, or houses yet always seems to be an expert on the matter). The latest thing to make me mad came last night, currently 6 months pregnant and have SPD, It was his sisters birthday party and i couldnt go so said to him go alone, he ummed and arred about it then i heard him creep downstairs and ring his dad to ask what to do... that was the last straw really, obviously his dad said just leave me and come to the party as hes very old fashioned in his ways and sees women as 2nd class citizens if even that!

Hes 34 by the way, surely its not normal behaviour of someone about to become a dad for the 1st time is it??

My DP is like this with his family, while I am more like you. We are buying our first house together (will be my third) and his dad is insisting on coming to the viewings. It drives me mad, he's 32 and I don't see why he needs his dad's input. I bought my first flat at 22 with no input from anyone. I don't know what to suggest to help you OP, hopefully someone else will have some advice for us both.

Well, have you spoken to him about it? I mean, is he aware that he's doing it and that you think it's a bit OTT? And if so, what was his response? If he was surprised and hadn't really thought about it, in other words it's just what he's always done, then you need to start weaning him off it gently.
If he was defensive, then you have more of a problem.

My husband sees his family about 3 times a year, they get on fine. The occasional text re. contributing to someones birthday present.
My stepfather is in constant contact with his family, its creepy & a very unattractive feature in a man to still be superglued to mama's bosom. Its resulted in his hag of a mother & nightmare siblings being the most important people in his life rather than his wonderful wife.

I personally find it very unappealing & quite weird in a man & would never choose to marry a mummy's little soldier.
Talk to him, but he may well have to recount the conversation with his parents..

Neither me of my OH have any parents still living I met my DP just after my mum died and I so wish she had met him as she would have been really pleased.

It seems like perhaps you two just have very different takes on the role of extended family. To tell it from a different side, my DH's family live miles away, we never see them, the dc's have pretty much zero relationship with them aside fro, a couple of times a year. My parents live locally, have moved a fair way at our encouragement to do so, and we see one or both of them at least 3 times a week.

Our dc's get a LOT out of this extended family relationship, which was our primary reason for encouraging them to be closer to us. I really wish I had had grandparents who were that enthused to see me and spend time with me. it gives them an opportunity to grow close bonds with someone other than just DH and I and it gives us a bit of a break when we have things to get done, so it's beneficial to all concerned. Although both parents do at times do my head in, I consider that normal for people I see a lot of! : o

HOWEVER, my DH was fully happy for this close family relationship to exist, and is content to have them around as much as they please. he gets on really well with them and has never ever expressed any desire for more space. if he did I would politely but clearly tell my parents we needed to see them less...so if you have made it clear to your DH that this is too much for you and he is not responding then you perhaps have to revisit it with him.

My Dh is very similar. first child on way. has to see or speak to mil every day. this weekend he called in Friday Sat morning she phoned Sat eve.called in yesterday morning she called last night. does my head in. he is late home from work or gym etc for dinner as he has called in also works same place as sil lift shares etc. personally I find it suffocating and listening to them they just repeat conversations as nothing new to speak aboit. my family live 10 mins away and I speak to my mum once a week see them when can as they are busy or we are. its a huge strain on our relationship esp with baby due in 4 weeks.

Asking for his dads approval about going to a party is pretty worrying actually. Can you oh not make up his own mind as a grown up?

I would find it suffocating and would want to move away but I guess you won't be able to without his parents' permission. Very controlling.

Cazm2, do you actually get to speak to your dh? That sounds really clingy behaviour to me. Yuck. Not balanced.

When I met my husband he was living at his parents house and I moved in there too, so we saw them most days. We moved out after a year into our own place which was only five minutes from them, but we only saw them once every couple of weeks or so, as they were busy people and so were we. My own mum lived up north and I spoke to her probably once a week, and visited a couple of times a year, again she had a full social life.

That was ten years ago.

My FIL died very suddenly, (suicide) and MILs health has deteriorated a lot, and she is unable to walk far, so I see her almost every day to take her shopping or for medical appointments, and my husband gives her a quick phone call most evenings. At weekends we go round there for an hour or two, or we go out somewhere together. I love my MIL to bits and we all get on very well. My stepkids are all adults and also ring her in the week and visit at least once a week too. She is a major part of our lives.

My mum died just after FIL, unexpectedly due to an accident, but prior to that I probably spoke to her every couple of days and we went up to visit or she came to see us every couple of months.

There is a saying I think that you can judge a man by how he gets on with and treats his Mum, and I do think there is some truth in that. I am glad that my husband regards his mum as a very important person in his life and that he considers her opinion and gets on well with her.

If I lived close enough I could probably imagine myself "popping in" quite a bit.

I think that that´s ok-half an hour on the way home.

And it´s not as if he´s forcing OP to go everytime.

But asking them what to do about every situation??!!

Dh has great respect for his mother and speaks to her on the phone every day, but when it comes to decisions he is an adult. She rarely criticises or offers advice, but if she does he has been know to tell her to lay off him. The frequent phoning is because she is old and ill in a nursing home, so hasn't got much to entertain her; they spoke less frequently when she was still well and active.

Luckily its not my fil who insists on knowing every single thing about our lives, or even mil although she does like to stick her nose in now and again, more worryingly its my oh who feels the need to still ask his dad everything, Buying the house (it was my parents house, ive lived here since i was 6 so think i should pretty much know the place inside and out) he came round to look at it and started inventing problemsdp shows him the mortgage papers which were to be signed, fil sat there reading through them asking really stupid questions like why have you asked to borrow so much but you'll have to pay back this much, ooh sounds dodgy to me son, you need to get a solicitor to look over this. I then pointed out thats the interest your talking about.

I have brought it up before with him, he just laughed it off, now its a case of if hes late home from work i text him to say " at mummy's again are we", this weekend was the first time i haven't seen them in a while, and im sorry to say but i loved it, i work from home all week and try to be strict so the weekend is for me, i went and saw friends, even popped in to see my mum etc. He relies much more on his dad than his mum who constantly repeats herself cos there is nothing new to say, now im pregnant every weekend i hear the tale of how she wanted an enema with her 3rd child, there's only so many times you can hear a tale like that and stay polite without screaming shut up!

I guess i'm more worried that my fil's influences will rub off on him as he takes all his advice from him, hes very set in his ways, if we go to the pub with them for example its women on 1 side men on the other, so i've stopped going (even before i was pregnant). with a child on the way i can only see this getting worse though as they will try to be here whenever they want, dp will have no problem with this but im getting to the end of my tether with them, they have 2 other children who they arent this clingy to.i just dont get it, but then again they kept all their children, children till they left home if you see what i mean, dp left aged 25, hes never known how to cook, clean etc, his mum did all that for him, his brother left last year aged 31 until then his mum was sill cooking for him, cleaning his room the list goes on, they just never let them be independent, whereas ive been doing my own thing since i was 13 i just find this completely strange, but maybe it explains why hes the way he is...

I'd be concerned about how much influence your FIL would have once your baby was born to be honest.

Fil doesn't really bother me, i've stood up to him in the past a few times which he didn't like so we just make small talk now. I have thought about what he will be like once his grandchild is here and as much as i want them involved in my child's life i wouldn't hesitate to take my child away from them if i heard him say or he did something i didn't like. hes previously told dp's cousins 2 yr old child she was getting too fat like her mum, dp's cousin was fine with this, but i certainly wouldn't be as someone who had this kind of abuse when i was a child its stayed with me to this day and i wouldn't want any child of mine feeling like that.

It doesn't really matter how much other people's dp/dh/ohs see their family as the fundamental fact is that you feel your dp's dependence upon fil is unhealthy. The amount of time he sees them or how involved he likes them to be in his life actually isn't the problem in general terms, it's the nature of the involvment and the reliance upon it.

DH is very close to his parents. We see them several times a week, spend a lot of the weekend with them, speak on the phone regularly, text daily. We always involve them in big stuff like house renovations and even in small stuff tbh. But the difference is that we're both happy with this. They're my family as much as dh's. I love them and encourage their active involvement in our lives. They're brilliant though. Your ILs sound awful.

I do think you need to gently speak to your DH if the level and type of contact gives you any worries, and it evidently does. If I'm honest I probably ask my Mums opinion a lot on things, but she is a worried like your FIL and I do pick and choose the advice I take from her. I think the reason I do it is because she is more of a friend now than a parent and as she has known me since the day I was born she can give her take on things knowing the bits I will be concerned about etc without my having to explain myself the way I may have to with DH? I hope that makes sense?

DH does tease me about it in a very oighthearted way, but i have checked he is ok with it and he also knows that any decision made is ours, his and mine, and that although I like to have a third viewpoint on things I wouldn't rely on my DM's opinion to the extent it sounds like your DH does with his father.

The interference with children thing would bother me though, hugely. luckily my parents have learned to absolutely butt out when it comes to my kids, they may not like or agree with our approach, but they have no say whatsoever and I won't have them sticking their oars into our daily dealings with the kids. my MIL on the other hand is an utterly different kettle of fish, she is continental amd I KNOW she hates the way we have brought up our two. (co sleeping, long term bf etc) and she makes it very clear without overtly saying I'm shit, that she thinks I am! We see a LOT less of them than we used to.

Sorry am rambling, but the point of both of those posts is, if you are not happy, and if you feel uncomfortable with the way things are in the relationship with your DH and his parents then NOW is the time to sort it, it becomes a lot harder to lay out the boundaries once your dc are already here.

your DH needs to listen to your concerns and you guys need to find a decent compromise.