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Relationships

Mumsnet has not checked the qualifications of anyone posting here. If you need help urgently or expert advice, please see our domestic violence webguide and/or relationships webguide. Many Mumsnetters experiencing domestic abuse have found this thread helpful: Listen up, everybody

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Original poster

am i a skivvy or just nagging?

49 replies

icklmum · 27/01/2006 22:17

Ok dp and Ihave just had a huge row......well I got angry, shouted at him for an hour and he stropped about the house telling me to forget it and f**king leave him alone!

I have just had to take 2 days off work to stay at home with ds (has a runny bum). Yesterday i was up from about 4am with ds in and out of the toilet and the rest of the day was pretty much the same except that i had no choice but to go to town for some medicine for him.As a result today i have not had the motivation to do any housework and have just felt crap.have also been feeling down about other things at the mo regarding my job (am pg and in fear of losing job)
So Dp comes home and is in the door for less than 5 mins before he starts moning that the house is "a sh*t-pit"(our house is actually near on spotless),
To which i start yelling and trying to remind him that i am 20 weeks pg,working,caring for ds and yet doing everything because he doesnt.....and i do mean EVERYTHING!

I cook his tea every night including his days off,
i do his washing and ironing,
clean the house from top to bottom even though i
have to squeeze it in once a week on a saturday,
i clean up after His cats that HE wanted icluding a littertray i shouldnt be touching.
i do everything for ds get him up every morning,feed him,clothe him,bath him tend to him when hes sick.

he does nothing except get up 10mins before he leaves, goes to work comes home and sits infront of the telly all night!

so am i a skivvy or nagging?

OP posts:

Original poster

icklmum · 27/01/2006 23:05

yes expat i know its not right, i know too many women who would never put up with it (including you guys) i need to learn to be a stonger woman but dont know where to start.
Well dp is upstairs in bed not talking to me and probably wont til i break the ice which im not going too, itll just be a nice peacful wkend!

OP posts:

Original poster

icklmum · 27/01/2006 23:10

no i dont katemum, but what do i do just stop doing stuff for him and hope he gets the message?

OP posts:

mistressmiggins · 27/01/2006 23:11

I dont think you putting up with this is a sign of weakness - I am a very strong person and I put up with the same AND no moaning

I think sometimes you dont realise that other men DO help & think nothing of it

I have certainly realised that I was in the minority in my expectations of both myself & my husband....and wont be doing it again

As my cousnellor said yesterday, you lost yourself in the role of wife & mother, and I am finally finding myself again - and its great

you do not deserve to be treated like a skivy....

thewomanwhothoughtshewasahat · 27/01/2006 23:12

you are not a skivvy - but you are being treated like one. start with the cat litter - you can't do it, tell him. when you're both calm you need to sit down, and work out a fair system to divide everything up. think of it in terms of total work that you do as a team - including paid work, house work, cooking, looking after ds, that needs dividing down the middle (with allowances for you being pg).

Original poster

icklmum · 27/01/2006 23:17

thats a good idea i hadnt thought of that, a half n half system we could write it down on paper so theres no arguments about who does what when.

AWWWW you guys are soooo nice n helpful, women are so much more logical than men. Maybe i shulda been gay

OP posts:

Mytwopenceworth · 27/01/2006 23:22

First - do NOT touch that cat litter tray again. All other things you can sort out one way or another, but do not take risks with that baby. download info to shove up your dp's arse if you have to! Do NOT touch litter tray again!!

If he works outside the home full time and you work outside the home part time, then it would ordinarily be reasonable that you pick up a greater proportion of the home stuff (but not EVERYTHING!!) but while pregnant it is not unreasonable to expect that your partner will work a bit harder to ease your load. you are busy creating after all!

Personally, I would STOP CLEANING THE LITTER TRAY, sort out a cooking rota, clean the house together on a saturday and teach him how to use the iron!

I do hate it when a man acts all 'i work 9-5 and then i need to relax' while he's off relaxing we are picking up all the work! all that's doing is doubling our workload. selfish gits.

Original poster

icklmum · 27/01/2006 23:27

right thats it im going to bed now theres no way im sleeping downstairs cos hes in a mood. I make the bed so im gonna sleep in it!
Thanks for all your help ppl i really do apreaciate it and your wise words will not go in vain.
nyt all

OP posts:

Katemum · 27/01/2006 23:29

Night

MeerkatsUnite · 28/01/2006 08:43

Icklmum,

You are being treated like a skivvy in your own home.

"I think his mother is to blame....hes just exchanged her for me".

Hey, got it in one!!. Not at all surprised to see that his Dad was the same. He's inhertited the work shy at home gene too. Your children may well go on to be lazy around the house as well if you do not manage to sort this out and tbh I am not optimistic.

I think you have a hard job on your hands, such attitudes are deeply ingrained in his pysche and he may not change his ways.

You say you love him - what is there to love about him exactly?. He sounds like yet another selfish, inept and emotionally immature manchild. You have one with another child on the way - you do not need a third manchild too.

You say you love him - what is there to love about him exactly?. When he was ranting and swearing presumably your son also heard this even though he may not have been in the same room.

MeerkatsUnite · 28/01/2006 08:45

"I think you might benefit from counselling to figure out why you think this is acceptable to put up with. Truly, don't you think you deserve better than someone who treats you this way? What kind of example does this set for your kids?"

I would also agree with the above comment made by Expat.

Assertiveness training for you would be a good start; that will enable you to stand up to him and see that you are not a pushover.

mazzystar · 28/01/2006 16:03

i think its a bit unhelpful suggesting that he's an unloveable brute because ickimum's dp doesn't pull his weight around the house - there's nothing to suggest in these posts that this is an abusive relationship, but one where the workload has got a bit unbalanced.

ickimum you just need to raise your expectations of your partners contribution to the running of the house and bringing up your children.

hercules · 28/01/2006 16:07

sounds abusive to me.

mazzystar · 28/01/2006 16:11

really?

sounds to me like they've fallen into conventional/old-fashioned roles, he's a lazy beggar and likes it that way. oh and they both like a good row/sulk.

he definitely needs to address his behaviour, she definitely needs to make him. but abusive, no

hercules · 28/01/2006 16:13

Surely he is taking advantage of her and that to me is abusive especially seeing as she is so pregnant.

mazzystar · 28/01/2006 16:27

I agree he needs to sort himself out. The situation is unacceptable. But I don't think her husband is deliberately trying to hurt or injure her.

hercules · 28/01/2006 16:29

But there are other ways of being abusive.

Cha · 28/01/2006 16:45

I had a man just like yours. And I kicked him out. I let him back and he has been a million times better ever since. I think that you can 'nag' until you are blue in the face and they never change because there is no reason to. They just put up with the 'nagging' and carry on sitting on their fat bums. Kicking them out works a treat. Suddenly they are out on their own with no one to look after them, without their kids, missing you and it is only then that they see quite what a lazy, pathetic arsehole they have been (dp's words). Kick boys out and make them into men. It works. Believe.

mazzystar · 28/01/2006 17:10

i mean that i don't think that he is deliberately setting out to hurt or injure her physically, mentally or emotionally. i can see that the outcome is nonetheless damaging to her and to their relationship and needs to stop.

cha - that was a ballsy move!

bourneville · 28/01/2006 18:09

Did anyone's DH's who are like this live by themselves or at least with friends (away from mum I mean) before moving in with you? i.e. had they not had a chance to learn how to look after themselves before having their own family? I often wonder if my boyf will disappoint me if we ever settle down... He makes all the right noises (eg being quite scathing about a couple that he lives with - the girl does the guy's washing, tidying etc etc) but so far i do nearly everything for him (everything being cooking, getting cups of tea etc) at the moment, but because when he's here he's a guest in my house and I'm cooking for me and dd anyway...would be a different story if he was dad and living with us...
though i have to say when i stayed over at his - a very rare occasion - when i wanted breakfast the next day he asked me to bring him up some too!!! (we were both very hungover and had had little sleep, but see why i'm worried?!) needless to say I didn't, we ended up both going down together & getting it together!

sheepgomeep · 28/01/2006 20:59

I don't feel like my dp does his fair share too. He works part time 26 hours and I work 16 and I do most if not all the housework. He will come in and sit on his arse because he is 'knackered'' (snort) but dosen't stop to think about how much work I actually do what with work, getting the kids up for school, housework, tidying up after him, running around after his two kids when we have them overnight.

It has really really got to me and last week I flipped and got really upset to which he was a bit shocked at. I really laid it on the line and without shouting (after calming down) said I couldn't go on.. I was tired, down, and if it didn't improve then he would have to leave.

We've now agreed that although we won't halve the housework he will iron for me, tidy the front room and hoover and share the upstairs.

So far he has done a HUGE pile of ironing for me, while I sat and watched telly and drunk a cuppa that he made me , tidied up the front room after the four kids bombed it this morning.

I know it might not sound like much but small steps at a time with my dp. His ex girl friend said that I must have done something to him because never in a million years would he do that for her and she was even further amazed when I told her that a couple of weeks ago he got up very early , got the kids breakfast, got them dressed, brought me brekkie and took the kids to school.

I do know how you feel though icklmum, maybe small steps at a time with your dp is the way to go

Carlk · 28/01/2006 21:38

skivvy - sorry, go on strike or invent a sick friend and bugger off for a week.
when you come back make sure you moan about the mess the place is in

poppiesinaline · 28/01/2006 21:51

I was ill last weekend and took to my bed. DH had to look after 3 kids. And that was all his did, look after them and feed them. No cleaning, no tidying, no food shopping etc etc. He said to me and I quote "There is so much to do, I don't know how you keep on top of it all. No wonder you get so irritated with me being so untidy!" BUT has it changed him? Has it bugger!

KateF · 28/01/2006 22:05

I could be Icklemum! Except I have 3 children under 7 and work ouside home every morning. Since coming on MN I have been trying to put some of what you say into practice but it's not easy. Men can be very resistant and I don't like to create a nasty atmosphere for the children. Having said that, I am on here despite comments about how much ironing is piled up. I keep telling myself that I deserve to decide for myself when I'll do things.

Cha · 29/01/2006 12:21

My ballsy move ( mazzystar, thanks) came after 5 years of being treated like Uber Mother (ie his mother, a mother to his children, ours and 3 stepkids and a general un-thanked, unappreciated dogsbody). I 'let' it happen because dp was very good at passive aggression ie if I got angry, upset etc (which happened a lot) about how much he expected me to do and without thanks, he would just 'vacate' himself - refuse to talk to me and then threaten to leave me 'if I didn't like it'. For a while this worked, I was too afraid of being on my own with 2 small children to actually follow through with my threats to throw him out if he didn't improve. But one day, in the same old row, something turned over in me and i thought, no, this time I really do want him to go, I can't take any more. His face. It was priceless. And seeing his reaction, the horror at what his actions had actually produced, gave me even more strength. I knew in that moment that he wasn't going to leave me, I had the power (and had had it all along if only I had known) and that he was about to get a life lesson. I threw him out and he stayed with friends for the most horrible 2 weeks of his life (dp's words again). When he came back it was only after he had signed a contract (literally) to help more around the house and with the kids and also after he had volunteered to organise us Relate councelling. We have never looked back. He is still lazy as but now I just have to say 'you're slipping' (our code we sorted between us so that I don't let it go on and on and on until I flip and we have a massive row) and he usually pulls his socks up. We are happier now than we have ever been, and I really do feel he is a man, a man I want to grow old with.

As sheepgomeep's experience shows too - it requires a leap of faith on your part (that you man really does love you and rely on you for everything) for you to lay it on the line as we did. You need maybe to feel a bit less down (plug again for ADs) for you to take that step but I assure you, his little world will come to an end and he will be bereft. Whether you chose to take him back (on negotiated terms) or to go on ahead without him, it up to you.
Hope your mil was nice to you and that you are Ok today. xxx

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