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Relationships

Mumsnet has not checked the qualifications of anyone posting here. If you need help urgently or expert advice, please see our domestic violence webguide and/or relationships webguide. Many Mumsnetters experiencing domestic abuse have found this thread helpful: Listen up, everybody

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Original poster

Fuming

45 replies

petesyfronts · 27/01/2006 21:45

Me and my partner are currently saving for a holiday, we're supposed to be booking it next month and he knows how excited me and the kids are about it.

Anyway yesterday he came home from work acting all strange, kept asking me if I was tired and what time was I going to bed. I ended up getting annoyed and going to bed around 11:30 but laid awake wondering what was going on with him. I heard him go outside and come back when he thought I was sleeping and heard him faffing around with something. I left it for 10 minutes and then 'sneaked' downstairs for a 'drink'...he was only sat there with a new xbox360 he'd taken £300 out of the joint account where the holiday money was and bought himself one on the sly after numerous discussions where I told him we couldnt afford one.

Im fuming, he's so selfish, self centred, childish and pig headed. I havnt spoken to him today but he thinks Im over-reacting. We CANT afford xboxs, we can barely afford this holiday. Im so depressed and stressed over it all.

OP posts:

ShaysMummy · 27/01/2006 22:28

actually, have re-thought this a bit. what he has done is wrong and selfish and sad and evil etc etc but if it was me and my hubby, i wouldnt want to throw my relationship away over it.
you definately need to set some boudaries and...oh i dont know, just dont be too hasty...
make him sell it or take it back though, i would. x

galaxy · 27/01/2006 22:32

Hang on aminute! What's wrong with playing with electronic games? The issue is not what he's bought but the way in which he's done it and the impact stealing that money has had. My dh plays on-line gaming and has an x-box. We sometimes play it together. It doesn't make us immature, stupid or less intelligent than anyone else.

Maybe, I think knitting or making home made cards is pathetic but I wouldn't deem it necessary to voice that opinion.

expatinscotland · 27/01/2006 22:34

True, galaxy, but as others have pointed out, it's not about the game. It's about the fact that he stole money out of a joint account at the expense of a holiday for his kids and that's just low.

thewomanwhothoughtshewasahat · 27/01/2006 22:36

I see the point - perhaps the child analogy was a bad one - but what I mean (to continue a bad analogy)...is given that he's behaving like a child there are two options - let him remain infantalised by being "cross", telling him off, trying to take control of the situation, or you can try to show him something about what he has done by demanding that he - not you - deal with the consequences

hercules · 27/01/2006 22:37

I agree, it's not the money or what he spent it on.

hercules · 27/01/2006 22:38

But that would make me want to vomit rather than have to consider treating a partner in this way.

galaxy · 27/01/2006 22:38

expat - I acknowledged that in my post and my 1st post was stating exactly that

thewomanwhothoughtshewasahat · 27/01/2006 22:44

what's vomit inducing about telling your partner to deal with his own mess? He created the problem he sorts it out - that's basically what I'm saying.

MadMaz · 30/01/2006 22:49

Men. Nuff said. Sorry petesyfronts. Seriously though - is this the first lapse in trust/profligacy or part of a pattern?

edodgy · 30/01/2006 22:52

That is a really low thing to do. Is this the first time he's done something like this?

Flossam · 30/01/2006 22:53

I literally sat here like when I first read that. My god. What a selfish tw*t.

MeerkatsUnite · 31/01/2006 07:05

Petes,

Appalling and deceitful behaviour on his part - I think he was hoping you weren't going to find out hence all the questions beforehand and sneaking around.

And from your first posting he thinks you're overreacting!.

Box it all back up, find the receipt and go with him back to the shop where this was bought. You can get a refund.

If he's tried this sort of thing before you may well need to reconsider your relationship with him full stop. He sounds like yet another inconsiderate and selfish manchild. If this is indeed the case you'd be better off on your own with your children.

Pfer · 31/01/2006 07:31

How the hell did he think he'd get away with it? Say the X-Box bunny brought it while you were asleep? What a git.

If DH did this I would seriously make him pay.....big time. The box would be sold and the holiday taken without him. I'd also consider taking any extra cash from the bank account and putting it into one of my own so he can't get it and tell him I've done it.

dejags · 31/01/2006 07:52

petesyfronts (cool name btw),

I think you are right to be angry - but I think that suggestions of selling the x-box or worse destroying it are completely OTT.

yes he behaved badly by spending your joint savings behind your back and yes you have a right to be angry.

but I think slinging him out, banning him from the holiday or destroying the thing will create far more damage than buying the blasted thing in the first place. I would insist that he work extra hours or find a part time job to pay the "joint-account" back.

Lordy - Mumsnetters, you are like a pack of bloodhounds on this one. It's not like he had an affair or murdered somebody.

MeerkatsUnite · 31/01/2006 08:07

I personally do not see why it cannot be taken back to the shop for a refund. He's caused the problem by purchasing the thing when he has been told finances will not allow such an extravagence.

He has shown a lack of regard for her feelings and has not taken her seriously - he has not listened or wanted to listen to her argument re this proposed purchase.

Look at his behaviour beforehand, this lady had nurmerous discussions with him saying that one could not be afforded and yet he still buys one.

His behaviour post purchase (the sneaking around afterwards, the questionning of her asking if she was tired and when she was going to bed) is also appalling. It sounds like he went all out not to be caught with it.

philippat · 31/01/2006 08:34

OK, the bit that worries me is: 'numerous discussions where I told him we couldnt afford one'

You need to work together on this one - they are his finances too, it shouldn't just be your decision on what you can and can't afford.

He's acting like a child, but then you're acting like a parent.

Not saying his behaviour is right, mind.

Radley · 31/01/2006 09:08

Taking the money after discussions is bad enough but being so devious is terrible.

Your sure to see it eventually how was he going to explain it.

If my dh did that I would make him take it back, or do it myself

Pfer · 31/01/2006 09:13

My DH came home from work about 6 months ago with a new cycle in the back of his van. I was livid as he'd put it on the credit card and we were trying to clear it, he's since sold some other stuff to pay it off, but if I'd not kicked off he wouldn't have bothered. What amazes me is the way they do this - underhand. OK, not all men are like this but some are and petesyfronts feller is and to a certain degree so is mine. Why do they feel the need to be like this? Is it about getting one over on her indoors?

rummum · 31/01/2006 09:16

Is he looking forward to this holiday?? because it doesn't sound like it...

does an x box really cost £300

dejags · 31/01/2006 09:32

I don't think it's getting one over pfer - I think it's just an immaturity thing. Something along the lines of a baby seeing something and grabbing it.

Agree that if the xbox is returnable for a full refund then this is the most sensible option (often not the case though). I was just saying that kicking somebody out of their home or destroying already purchased goods is a bit of an OTT reaction to this situation.

PYF's - some people are irresponsible and can't control themselves when it comes to buying stuff. Sounds to me that the most sensible thing here would be to get rid of the joint account and in future you control the savings.

A bit controlling and motherly but a means to an end.

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