ILs- would this irritate you?

[cashmere]

Just interested in your thoughts as I know the ILs get my hackles up anyway!
We're moving house (rented) soon. Dh asked me a question about the inside of the house as his mother had asked him and he didn't know the answer.

I asked how she knew about this feature and it turns out that ILs went to check out our new house without mentioning it (they live 35 minutes away).

The icing on the cake is that at a family event mil informed my mum of 4-5 things that need doing to the house to make it safe for Ds. They have basically done a thorough inspection of the front and back and peered through all the windows.

I'm annoyed as

1. It would be normal to mention if you were visiting someone's house.
2. They could have just waited till we move in.
3. I'm perfectly capable of looking after DS and ensuring he is safe.
4. Why discuss these concerns with my Mum not me (perhaps she realises I'll nod and ignore!)

They are incredibly overbearing and so many people have commented on this - I sometimes lose sight of what others would find irritating though.

They are wierdos. You're not being too sensitive to it. That's just odd and would make me really uncomfortable

Yup this would irritate me.
I'd want to move somewhere else instead and not tell them until we'd move in. It just feels like they've invaded your space. Even though it's not your space yet iyswim.
No idea what to do about it though except accept the fact they don't believe you are grown ups (hence discussing it with your mum) and strictly control what you tell them in the future so they can't do things like this.

sounds like their trying to pull rank by telling on your mum. it requires your mum to tell them not to interfere . or do they think your mum will put you on the naughty step

Oh good glad to see I'm not being oversensitive. They have no boundaries but do 6-7 days childcare a month so I think this blurs boundaries (we can't afford to pay for more childcare and Ds is happy there).

I do feel that they try and parent us and it's hard that they always try to be one step ahead. I'm very busy with work and don't have as much time to sit around thinking about minor details. Our lives sometimes feel like their hobby!

Mil has also suggested what furniture we could put where and it makes me want to do the opposite even if suggestion is sensible.
We're so excited to be moving to this house and ILs spoil it a bit- part of the fun is deciding what we'll do.

You are right to be miffed at their interference. You are right that she has gone to your Mum because you 'smile and nod'

I'd carry on with that smiling and nodding lark if I were you. IF she brings it up, say that you have and always will make the best decisions for you and your family. That you are well able and aware to make those kinds of decisions, and while you know her intentions are good, her visiting the house without talking to you/DH is intrusive and further talking to your mother about your 'findings' is incredible and excessive.

Remind her that she has her family, and you have yours. YOU are the matriarch of YOUR family. You will decide what's what with your H in your own time and way.

My mil does this when she visits - tells me what I should do differently to make things safer/more efficient. I take it on board when it's helpful, but a lot of it isn't - if I've not asked for an opinion it's because I don't need one. She means well, but it does annoy me (her house is full of junk but I don't remark on it when I visit!)

Thats annoying and an invasion of privacy. You have every right to be pissed off.

(Btw, I had a friend who's ILs found out where they were going on honeymoon and went on the exact same holiday - same hotel etc - a month before my friend's wedding, took loads of pics and showed them to everyone in the family, including my friend and her fiance so they had no surprises and no special place for their honeymoon - your MIL will probably only ever get worse )

My ex mil did this. She managed to get inside our new house via the kitchen fitters.

She also had to come and clean the house for us before moving in. So she knew it would be done properly at least once

You have my sympathies op.

I would find all of those things annoying too, I really would.

I have the alternative, which is a MIL who told us that she would visit us, not us her, as the kids when young tended to damage things.

Then for the next decade she came once a year, FOR AN AFTERNOON. The Xmas visit, usually, in mid November. And drapped in that she did visit our town (90 minutes by car from her small town) on other times to go shopping.

Good Lord, it's times like this that I absolutely love my in-laws! That is really, really intrusive, and bloody rude.

I don't think I would have been able to hold back with an "Excuse me, but what on earth do you think you were doing going to MY home without me????" I would be moving heaven and earth to work out a way of putting distance between them and myself.

Next time you are planning something big, don't tell them any of the details and when they push for them, just say "I don't think so, no. I want to enjoy the excitement of planning and not have it taken over".

But how did they know? I can't imagine having a conversation with my closest friend that would go further than "x road in y town" - I wouldn't give out number of house, estate agent, postcode etc

They knew where it was as googled the street name, only house up for rent on it, then asked 'is it number x?'

I am trying not to let her take over things but she does do what the he'll she wants!
I'm not posting too many examples but a family member left a cd at her house of v special photos relevant to us (I had asked him to take them). She posted them on fb and then texted dh to tell him she'd put the photos up!
Obviously too late to say I'd rather look at them first and put up the ones I wanted to. I don't think it is deliberate she just seems staggeringly insensitive/has to be in limelight!

Why would it be too late? If you don't ever tell her that she's done the wrong thing and has upset you, she will continue to do it with impunity.

Tell her you are really hurt by her behaviour.

You are right. It's just working out what to let go, and what to challenge (and how). I find it very difficult.

They sound very bored, do they have nothing better to do with their time.

I think all you can do is stay clear of them as much as possible, avoid protracted one on one time.

It is irritating but do they have a point about the safety of the house?

Creepy. You don't go snooping round other people's houses uninvited.

My first response would have been,"Get a life! It's none of your business. If I need any advice, I will ask for it, thank you."

I just wouldn't tell them anything anymore. Just keep conversation light and trivial. They don't need to know.

Shame you have to use them for childcare. I'd stop that ASAP too.