Cuddling one child but not the other. That's not normal is it?

[threeleftfeet]

A few things have got me thinking about my own childhood recently.

My mother used to make a thing about how my little sister liked her cuddles. Which would be fine - except she gave her cuddles, but never showed physical affection to me. I remember it used to hurt when she said "DSIS likes her cuddles" but I never said anything.

When my best friend moved schools when I was 10, I remember she hugged me goodbye, and I actually didn't know how to hug her, as it's not something I had any experience of.

As an adult I'm quite a tactile person. We had cats when I was little and I was always very affectionate with them. I honestly believe that if we didn't I would be pretty fucked up about touch!

I don't think my mum preferred my sister. She treated us differently in a number of ways and this was one of them.

But to not cuddle one of your children at all. That's odd, isn't it?

I would say yes although one of my dc likes cuddles a lot less than the others.

Have you visited the Stately Homes thread, threeleftfeet?

A lot of us on there had mothers who treated their children with different levels of affection/appreciation. Most literature on the topic calls it the "scapegoat/golden child" dynamic in dysfunctional families.

Maybe that's what was going on in your family.

Hi HotDAMNlifeisgood, thanks for the reply. I don't think it was as straightforward as that in our family. DSIS could certainly do no wrong, but then I was favoured as the "academic" one, and pushed in a way DSIS wasn't.

Actually DSIS flourished for that (eventually) - being able to follow what she genuinely enjoyed. However she's certainly a smart cookie and I wouldn't be surprised if she resented me being seen as the smart one.

I do know about the Stately Homes thread, but tbh I'm not sure if I'm ready to dredge it all up. I'm not even sure why I brought this aspect of it up, I haven't ever started a thread about my relationship with my mother before (and I've been here a few years now).

My mum was (and is) largely emotionally unavailable to me, which caused me all sorts of problems, especially in my teens and the knock-on into my 20s.

But the thing is I've got past the stage of feeling angry with her (well, mostly!) and I feel sad instead that she's not interested / able to share in much of my life.

I read an article last year about new research that suggested that siblings of children with Autism can also have some traits, without actually being on the autistic spectrum themselves. My mum's brother has Aspergers (undiagnosed, but his own father and a relative on my dad's side who has medical training think so, and I agree) and this rang a bell with me.
It's like sometimes there's a bit of her missing, emotionally.

I used to want her to understand how much she hurt me. Now I don't think that would actually be a good idea, as I think it would hurt her a great deal if she actually understood the effect she had me, and our roles have changed now. We have a good relationship as adults (that couldn't be said for much of my childhood!) and I feel protective towards her, especially as she gets older.

Like I said I'm not sure why I'm musing it now! Perhaps it's to do with being a mother myself now.

Thanks also for the reply dontthinkicanbebothered.

I did stop and think about it, thanks, it's good to question yourself from time to time! But I really don't think that was it.

Do you mind if I ask, does your DC who's not keen on hugs get them ever? Could they make it to 10 without knowing what to do if someone else hugged them, do you think?

It makes me wonder if maybe she had a difficult birth or pregnancy with you and struggled to be a really 'cuddly mum' - not that she didn't / couldn't love you, just that she found it hard to be that physical.

But yes it sounds a bit barking. There's nowt so queer as folk as me nan used to say.

I hadn't thought of that ManicPanic. Or perhaps she had PND, I'll ask someday when the time's right.

It's not just the cuddling though, it's more than that. She's closed to me emotionally basically. Well not just me, the world. Although most people don't notice, as they don't need her emotionally!

Have you discussed this with your DSis, OP? Always helps to get someone else's take on things?

I have 2 DC - one who is very cuddly, the other less so. We are tactile in other ways though. She loves to have her back gently scratched when lying down, for example, and I often massage her feet when she's tired.

I think it sounds odd and even if your DM shows some traits of Aspergers, surely she'd be this 'closed off' to all around her? I don't know. Just a thought.

I do think it's a good idea to discuss it with your DSis though.

My mum is closed off to others. She doesn't have any friends she's close to.

She's very well respected FWIW - professionally and by people in the community. But she's not close to anyone as far as I can tell. She also doesn't do chit chat. You can only have a conversation with her on her terms. She's interested in my job and DS's development. But not interested in my personal relationships, or just having a chat about random stuff. It's hard to explain.

I don't think she does have Aspergers. But the article about siblings of people with Aspergers having some traits did ring a bell.

DSIS refused to accept anything was up with our family dynamic until recently, when she started to open up to me. We didn't get a chance to finish that conversation and I know it was really hard for DSIS, but we will another time. It's hard to talk about stuff with DSIS, she's very sensitive, I have to wait until the time is right for her again.

My mum and I argued (screaming and shouting at each other) pretty much every day from when I was about 10 to when I left home. I honestly thought she hated me at the time (she didn't).

DSIS retreated from this, becoming quite shy as a teen. Certainly in her early 20s she maintained the problem was just between me and mum. But now it seems she has started to question other stuff about our childhood and she agrees that something wasn't right, and wants to explore it.

She's very generous with her time to people outside the home - she does a lot of work for the church for example (she's not particularly religious, mind, it's more of a community thing). She often puts the needs of others first - but not myself or DSIS, it doesn't seem to apply for some reason.

Sorry I'm rambling now!

You're not rambling - you're just trying to make sense of a really confusing and emotionally charged situation. If it helps to pour it out here, then do so. That's what 'we' are all here for. Plus, there's always the chance that someone here can help make sense of things for you.

It may help to approach your DSis from a less emotional angle and seek to discuss this because you are curious about things. Since she's so sensitive, it may help to keep things 'academic' IYSWIM - I get the feeling that she may retreat further from the topic should you get upset about things. Perhaps if you made it clear that your need to discuss is was NOT to gather ammo on your Mum, but more as a quest for personal understanding. I realise that this reads as extremely cheesy - it's the only way I can explain it. Do you meet up at all on a regular basis?

Also, someone up thread mentioned some literature (but didn't name any though) - may be worth trying to find out if there any good reads on the subject.

Thanks WelshMoth :)

I don't think it's cheesy! I think it makes a lot of sense.
I'm actually not that emotional about it now (well not often!) I kind of got that all out of my system in my teens and early twenties. I shouted and screamed and told anyone who'd listen!

Now I'm able to talk about my relationship with my mum without getting upset. I am genuinely curious. I don't want ammo on her, not now. Our relationship is different now I'm an adult. I'm also able to see that some of my extremely risky / mental behaviour outside of the home in my teens / twenties was at least in part down to wanting to be accepted / loved. (Sounds trite doesn't it, but that's the truth I think).

I think I'd benefit from counselling to be able to shake off the effects of it. But I can't afford it so it'll have to be you lot I'm afraid

Not sure what I'd read up on tbh. Not managed to pigeon hole our particular dynamic (yet!)

Sorry I shouldn't use words like "mental" should I - it could cause confusion - (and even offend people.)

To clarify - I didn't mean that I had mental health problems. I mean I had an at times destructive approach to alcohol, drugs and men, with very little idea of how to look after myself (or any want to).

I am shocked now when I look back at some of the risks I took!

Oh god. this struck a cord with me. i don'y hug my 7 year old daughter. I'm ok with my son, he's four. I don't know why this has come about but I really need to change it. This morning in the school playground I said to her give me a hug she said, no I don't hug you. it left me in tears. i know its all my fault and i need to change it urgently otherwise she will feel unloved and be an emotionally cold person. I just don't know how or why its come about and I feel like such a horrible person.

Oh ajuba I'm sure you're not a horrible person! I'm very sorry if I've upset you.

My issues with my mum are much bigger than her just not cuddling me. I did feel unloved but it was also her apparent complete uninterest in me which led to that! I think I focussed on the not cuddling I think as it seems more tangible than vaguely saying "my mum acted like she didn't like me".

Your daughter might apppreciate a hug though, even if it seems a bit odd for you both at first :)

Are there other ways you show her you love / appreciate her / are interested in her? I bet there are :)