Divorced Inlaws. Is this beahviour normal?

[dontthinkicanbebothered]

ils have been divorced for approaching 30 years. Fil remarried and dh has a half sister who is early 20's.
Over the past few years I have noticed that fil and mil spend a fair bit of time together. More than what I consider "normal". Fil chooses to take mil places to the detriment of step mil - eg dc1 christening. Fil brought mil rather than step mil, saying she had flu. Some time later step mil said that they had rowed and he chose mil over her.
Fil has also brought mil to visit rather than step mil. Mil doesnt drive, fil and step mil both drive.
Recently, I have discovered mil and fil have a joint bank account which allows fil to filter money away from stepmil.Fil was always fair to mil in the divorce and with his child support when dh and his siblings were young. They are all mid 30's and older now.
Step mil now takes long holidays with her family and leaves fil home alone as it were and he spends a good chunk of his time with his ex wife. Visiting her, doing jobs for her etc.
I feel desperately sorry for step mil as I do not think she is aware of the extent to which fil / mil behaviour enables the other.

Dh thinks the carry on is slightly strange but it is on his normal range as they are his parents.
I think when it comes to our children that they need to know they are not together and in fact fil has a wife who isnt mil! We live away from them and so do not see them every week.
Dh thinks I am not being reasonable. I said when we visit his mil, fil should not be there. I personally think mil and fil will get back together at some point but they are currently not together so the dc seeing them together leads to more confusion.

So, is this normal or am I just being a bit odd about it?

How old are your dc?

IME children blithely accept all sorts of 'family arrangements' as being entirely usual and natural... until some misguided individual starts drawing attention to the fact that these may not be what are considered common practice.

I've no doubt that your dc will ask questions in their own good time - if and when they are minded to do so.

BTW, in this particular sitaution you don't have any right to dictate who is present at your mil's home on the occasions that you visit and it would be grossly bad mannered of you to try and lay down the law in this respect.

They are 8 and under.
I feel that my fil doesnt treat step mil fairly and he excludes her from his life and I guess in effect, his grandchildren.
I want dc to be aware of step mil, to know who she is and where she fits in rather than be hidden away as she seems to be at the moment.

Sounds unusual - and maybe you're right that they wil get back together again. But really it's not any of your business - wouldn't start saying that fil should not be at your mil's when you visit - your DCs are the grandchidlren that they share, and if they want to share that experience, then that's nice surely?

Unless your DCs are teenagers they'll probably only have a fairly vague understanding of who all the older generation are anyway - mine very much accept people as they are - and know them by name, including a step-granny, my late grandad's ex sister in law, etc without really asking questions. If they meet the step mil - you can explain who she is. If they don't then they don't particularly need to know about her, and probably won't have much interest.

Maybe it works for them? Maybe step mil has absolutely no interest in her husbands son by first marriage, and sons wife and kids? She may be happy to have this set up, as the grandchildren are something mil and fil have in common, and stepmil might not want to be part of this?

You dont know how much time they really spend together, maybe the only time they spend together is when they meet common family?

Should he not be sharing the experience with his wife and not his ex wife? Should he share a bank account with his ex wife? Step mil is interested in the dc, she asks after them alot depsite her not seeing them much.
Yes I agree the dc have a vague understanding of who is who but not who fits in where iykwim.

"I want dc to be aware of step mil, to know who she is and where she fits in rather than be hidden away as she seems to be at the moment."
So invite her over, encourage her to develop a relationship with the children, which is what it sounds like you're wanting?

Keep your nose out of the relationship between her, FIL, and MIL.

Maybe she is just polite asking about them.

Why should he share his experiences with adult son with a woman who has no relation to said son?

He can share it with whoever he wants to share it with. There are no absolute rules for how families function. I know at least one couple in their 50s who have been separated at least 20 years but both go together to see their grown up children. Plenty others won't, your're right, but up to them what works for them.

Even if you're right and the step mil is getting a rough deal from it all, it's not really something you can do anything about. So best just keep the contact up with her directly if she's keen, and let them sort out their own relationships.

If you want your DCs only to be around people who conduct their emotional lives in ways that you approve of, you're going to have a very hard time!
Once they all treat you and your DCs with affection and respect, none of the rest of it is any of your business.

I have asked her and maybe you are right actually, maybe she is just not that interested, despite her making the right noises.
I would love for her to be involved more but it probably wont happen.
The thing about the relationship between all of them is that it is all secretive and "dont tell X this and dont tell Y we are coming" etc. I feel like I am keeping secrets and I dont like it,
I guess life isnt as straightforward as I would like it to be in this regard

I think it would be fair enough to ask them not to ask you to keep secrets - that's not fair on you.

It's none of your business and certainly not for you to dictate who your MIL can have in her house. I know that sounds harsh, but it's true.

It's not normal. It sounds like your FIL has sorted out two wives for himself.

If they're asking you to keep secrets - refuse.

It really is not any of your business at all.

You do not really mention MILs part in this though.. was the divorce acrimonious at the time? does she get on with her replacement?

As far as your children go though, so long as they have a relationship with their grandparents they really do not need to know their grandparents private life to that extent.

Private life in families = family life. It's not private at all.

Mil and step mil rub along. Mil likes male attention of any kind.
Mil called the shots in the divorce and kept fil on a string to quote dh. She left fil for someone else which didnt work out.
Perhaps now he seems to be struggling in his marriage / has more time on his hands / mil has no permanent partner and encourages him they have both reverted back to what they know.

Neither mil or fil have much of a relationship with dc or see them that much, hence why i feel step mil needs more of a role. This isnt meant to be an inlaw bashing thread, just wondering if their behaviour is acceptable. Nothing really to do with me but i cant imagine that if dh and i split up and dh got remarried that he and i would be sneaking around, keeping secrets and opening joint bank accounts!

Thanks to all for input