My sister has dropped me like a hot potato....

[OnlyMe1971]

VERY long story as short as i possibly can.
She is 5 years younger than me. We always got along fine, but not particularly close. Nothing really special happened between us til she broke up with her long term boyfriend about 5 years ago. She then turned to me and was there for her, and in the year that they were broken up, we became very close, and I really enjoyed this time of our relationship. She confided in me about what her ex was like (a controlling a**hole), she visited me abroad (I don't live in the UK) several times, looked after my kids, got very close to us, was part of the family.

Her ex got back in contact after 1 year (I was gutted, so was everyone...), but I fully supported her as i didn't want to alienate her and wanted to give him another chance (btw there was never any violence just a LOT of manic depressive episodes where he would blank her for days during his black times). They fell in love again, got engaged and married a few years later.

I noticed the phone calls went from every day to every few days. She used ot phone me and tell me about somethign her DH had done/said and I found it really hard to hide the fact that I thought he was being an a-hole. I told her not to take it. He has full control of their finances. He has full control of her. Again. That has taken a toll on her relationship with my parents and more so with me.

By the end of last year, I sometimes didn't hear from her for 2/3 weeks. At Christmas we all visited with my parents as we do every year. I barely saw her. On New Years we all were having drinks (as we do every year) where we were staying and they were invited and they first said yes then decided they weren't coming. I was really upset and hurt and told her so. She lost the rag with me completely and turned on me, ending in an ugly scene where she called me "a fing bich". I was REALLY hurt and angry.

Now it's the end of Feb. She sent me a few lame texts and I replied in January. Then last week I plucked up the courage to ring her and we had a neutral conversation and just caught up but there was NO warmth from her.
I felt like she was trying to get me off the phone.

I told her we are going to visit my parents over Easter and while a few years ago, she would have jumped at the chance to see us, now she said they are not doing anything and are not planning on visiting my parents. So I won't see her.

I just cannot believe what an utter cold bi*ch she is being. Life is surely too short to hold grudges over stuff like this? Or is she pushing me away because she is not allowed to have close relationships with others? I am so frustrated, annoyed and confused and feel so powerless.

I just really really needed to get that off my chest. I haven't confided in anyone about this except for my husband and he is probably sick of listening to me now.

Sorry it is so long.

its sad but really theres not alot you can do apart from to be there to pick up the pieces again when she has enough of the apparent emotional abuse

Rather than calling her "a cold unfeeling bitch", you should perhaps consider the fact that your sister is in abusive relationship and as well as having her finances controlled, she is also having her friendships, family life and who she keeps in touch with controlled too.

Yes of course I do think that and feel awful for her at times, which is why I phoned her. It's just that she is being so horrible to me it is really hard not to be angry at her. I was there for her, dried her tears for a whole year, and now she does not take even the slightest interest in me or my kids.

She made a HUGE mistake going back with her ex. She knows that and all her anger is about that, and she took it out on me - not fair in my book, completley misguided.

ps. she still seems to find time to meet my brothers and spend tiem with them, just not me.

it sounds like either your sis told her now lovedup dh that you thought he was an A Hole! He may have twisted to your sis that you are an evil twisted person who is 'jealous' of their relationship and you wanted her to yourself...or he may have said 'it's her or me!'.

You can bring a horse to water but you cannot make it drink it. Leave her be as cheese says.

Seaofyou she definitely told him. When I saw him the next day after our "discussion", he totally blanked me.

Yes I will most definitely leave her be.

(((hugs))) you were doing your best by your dsis and it is thrown back in your face:(

As long as this man is in the picture I think contact is zero ...sorry I do know how it feels to lose a dsis like this and another sibbling through death.

We hit out at those closest to us and although not much help to you, she does need you lurking in the background, waiting for another disaster. Of course, you will be there because you love her and I'm sure she loves and misses you very much. There's a lot of undercurrents running through this mostly to do with her being controlled by her H. In an ideal world, she would be a stronger person and ensure that she maintains positive relationships with all her family but I would almost guarantee she is not happy.

(I wish I knew your sister because I would tell her what it is like to lose one. Do anything to have her back.)

Hope it all works out.

Sounds like he has ramped up his controlling behaviour, to the point of managing to alienate her from her family.

Text book abuser stuff. If she contacts you, let her know that you love her, will always be there for her and never to forget that. Keep contacting her, ask her how she is, and reinforce the message that you love her.

I know you're angry, and you have every right to be, but your sister is in a terrible position - in an abusive controlling relationship and now losing the one true support she had. She is lashing out, as others have said, because her situation is so bad.

Does it make me really horrible to want to lash back at her. I'm not totally convinced this is all coming from him. She also has a big part to play in it. There is a lot more to this story but our mother is basically quite a toxic person. She's not the worst and can be lovely too but she can be VERY toxic and years ago, in my early 20s, I distanced myself from her. I now speak to her 1ce a week and we keep it light and pleasant.

However, my mother unfortunately happened to be there when my sister went mental at me over Christmas so now mum thinks that she's my best
friend and keeps having a go about my sister, saying really horrible stuff about her, how she is a selfish so and so etc. The last time I talked to her I told her I don't want to talk about my sister anymore with her. My sister is forever bithing to her DH about my mother so now her DH absolutely hates my mother and my sister has only fed this. It is probably no harm that she distances herself a bit from my mother as their relationship was definitely poisoned by being too close, but now she is obviously bithing about ME too to her DH so that will also make me the baddie in his eyes. And once you are a baddie in his eyes, you have no place in his life.

I feel like I am grieving for her, but think she also is a bit toxic so don't really want to be there for her anymore.

Out of the 3 girsl in our family, my sister is the only one who has not had counselling, but she probably needs it the most. My mother did a LOT of damage, emotionally mostly. My Dad was probably no better.

What I see happening is that my sister and her DH are turning into my parents.

Sorry to ramble on about this, but it's on my mind constnatly and i need to be mad and sad before i can let it go.

hmm I think that her mind is controlled by this relationship ie she is up to her neck in the spell, and fully believes in him and everything he says. there's nothing you can do OP, you have to wait for the spell to break (please God..). I wouldn't take it personally though - everything she says is coming from him iyswim, not verbatim necessarily but she is his convert: everything she thinks and believes comes from him. It's like she's in a cult.

although it hurts, imo she doesn't owe you anything because you supported her - you gave your support freely. Obviously, she owes you kindness and consideration but she isn't in that space at the moment. You both probably didn't hold back about him during that year - now she's back with him and married him: of course you're not going to be exactly her best choice of someone to hang out with!

You have to take it on the chin. Very painful but try not to kick back, even though you're understandably very hurt.

Gosh reading your post springydaffs you're absolutley right, I just know it, my gut is telling me the same thing.

The year they were apart she very very slowly told me stuff and I very quitely listened and nodded and held her when she cried. She is extremely private so I knew she was laying herself bare and so I barely dared to say anything that would make her withdraw again. Over that year I heard a lot about her dh. So God help her is all I can say.

Yes I am trying to take it on the chin. I just need to let it out a bit. DH not getting it at all and cannot fathom it and if I tell him about her being under her DH's spell, well my DH is so the complete opposite of her DH, he just cannot relate.

Thanks for being there everyone. It's already helped loads just getting it out.

Take care!

I'd also say that your comment of your mother bitching about her daughter to you the sister is significant. Think about it, could you talk about one of YOUR DC like that?

Those of us that end up in abusive relationships do so for a bloody good reason. That we are trained and groomed for it, by dysfunctional upbringing.

Your sister is a product of that. Your mother is dividing the family and rather than being sympathetic, is actually compounding it, by trying to turn YOU against her too.

My own sister and mother deliberately and knowingly turned their backs on me in my darkest moments. They couldn't even text me back (abroad) to say thinking of you. They literally ignored me for 2-3 weeks at a time if I ever sent a text saying that I was not having a great day. As benign a text as that would incur radio silence for the best part of a month. Now I'm back and I'm free, when they had the opportunity to do so, they made absolutely sure I knew they were deserting me too, over and over again. At the time however my mother would tell me how much my X loved me... For whatever reason, they have vested interests in my misery. when I finally left him last year, they went on a trip to NZ they had planned together for months, yet I was only told a month before that they were both going. They were complicit and coordinated in their betrayal of me.

I'm just biding my time, and will cut both THEM dead when the time is right. I really will.

With a bit of luck, your sister will see through her H again and you can be there to help her.

IF she kicks off at you again, stay calm, tell her that you love her, always will. She has been brainwashed by him and believes him. As far as she is concerned, her lot is thrown in with him, and she has to go along with it, or return to being without him. That thought terrifies her and he is feeding her all the shite about her being nothing without him.

Abused women take on average 7 attempts to break free. With luck your sister will try again.

Great to hear that your DH is the opposite, with a family dynamic that spawns a DV victim, you could have ended up where your sister is.

Come talk to us if you need to vent, we can help you if you need it!

(((HUG)))

Every time your sister looks at you, and speaks to you, she is reminded of the mistake she made in taking him back. It is unconscious, and it is controlled by him...but nevertheless that is the truth of the matter.

Deach yourself a little bit for your own equilibrium, but make it clear if she ever needs you again, you will be there for her. You can do no more, and pushing for something she is is not in a place to give (at the moment) will drive you further apart as she will feel she has to demonise you so she can be "happy" with her H.

Stay out of any family bitching and if someone starts firmly say "I will not be a part of this. I love my sis, and I am there for her, can you say the same?", then walk away.

Good luck, and I hope your sis finds a way out of this without too much emotional wreckage x

Thank you. I'm so sorry you were treated that way. It all sounds like fairly familiar territory. I know what my mother is like. One of the reasons i moved abroad almost 20 years ago was to escape from her.
The way she and my dad talked about my sister at Christmas made me feel ill. They said such horrible things about her. How could they, she is their daughter for God's sake.

While my mother and i have somehow managed to muddle through with our relationship still in tact, I still have to hold her at arms length as I know what she is capable. She has NEVER been there for me. In my youth, teens and 20s she fooled me into thinking I could trust her and each time, she broke that trust. EAch time because I was so emotionally dependent on her, I went back for more. I still needed her approval. I went bit mad in my 20s, totally wild, and realised coming towards 30 that I was trying to mask my unhappiness and anger. I was in with a bad crowd, drinking too much and taking drugs, abusing myself.... then sought help in late 20s and had 6 years of counselling. I met DH at the very beginning of that journey. He has seen turn from my demonds and grown into a fairly normal, happy adjusted human being.

My family is a small bit messed up but we do love each other. It is not that bad, at least when I compare it to some of the stories I read on her. At the core I do feel there is love and caring between us.

My other sister is thankfully also fairly "evolved" and while she is 10 years younger than me, we actually are getting quite close again now (we were really close as kids I think I was the mother to her that my mother never could be).

My sister is gone from me. I know that now.

Thank God I have my very lovely DH who is the most non toxic person I know.

Thank you for listening to me.

Focus on those that add to your life. Limit contact with those that don't.

My family don't bitch about each other like that... well, actually, if they do, it'd be about me wouldn't it? :D

Wouldn't put that past them actually, not having heard one snippet... but this dog shall have her day...