Do we have any hope?

[VickyandAlistair]

I have been with my dh for 6 years, married for 4. We have a 16mo ds. For a long time now (probably even since before I got pregnant) we have been losing eachother. I realise that sounds weird, but thats how it feels. We have lost our respect for eachother. Our faith in eachother. I woke up 4 months ago and realised I was no longer in love with him. We had a frank discussion 2 nights ago where we confessed that we no longer liked eachother. He said he wasnt sure whether he still loved me. We decided on a trial seperation ... complicated, cos he has no where to go, so we are still living together. We also live with ds, my dad, brother and nan, so it is all horribly complicated.

We do both want to work this out. We used to be best friends, and now we arent even friends. We both adore our ds and the thought of missing out on him half the week makes my blood run cold. When I got married, it was for life. I wanted to be with him for all my life. We've been through so much together, I cant believe its really over? We are going to marriage counselling, because we are both committed to making this work, for ds's sake.

But can you get friendship back when it has died? Like? Faith? Respect? Love?
How on earth do you get them back??

Sorry for the stream of consciousness. I found out I'm getting made redundant from my job the other day too, so its been one of the worst weeks ever. I feel stunned :(

bump?

Vicky, I don't know. I think sometimes it's possible, if both parties want it enough and are willing to put the work into it. The counselling should help you clarify this though. Nothing else to say in anyway helpful, sorry.

Would you say you are numb or indifferent to each other, or has it turned into dislike?

If it's the former, do you get time together to talk normally and just be a couple? Or is it only when there is a crisis and the rest of the time you just share living space? Just thinking that your living situation sounds quite difficult, I mean, sharing with the extended family.

u can get it back. takes a lot of patience, reflecting on past behavioural patterns and interactions with one another and trying to identify what made you lose respect in him and vice versa in the first place, what things made you begin to 'dislike' him and vice versa.
Take yourselves back to those moments. discuss them with one another at a time when you're completely feeling non-confrontational... stuff like ' I remember one time you said/did 'such and such' and it made me feel like....' Once you begin to have more honest and open dialogue with one another, you'll break through that feeling of being strangers to one another. it does take effort, and more often than not, one of you has to initiate that effort even though it'll feel alien.
it should help you to reconnect rather than continue going down a path of indifference to one another.

Best of luck.

You can get it back but you have to want to and you have to do it for you, not your baby.

Yes you can definitely get it back but it depends on why you both feel like this.
What are the causes for your feelings? Is there resentment on both sides?

Counselling can help you both work out what's behind these feelings and it's possible that you can change behaviours. You do have to want to make it work.