Advice for my BF re. her DH and OW- help!

[pancakedayisover]

My BF has asked for advice and I am stumped really. Her marriage of 20 yrs has been stormy and verging on divorce for a long time. They live apart - he works & lives in Europe- but she decided to stay in UK and they commute . She has been very unhappy with him for a long time and they have terrible rows. But they have also had counselling in the past and tried hard to make it work. Recently he came home and confessed he had taken an OW out to dinner, because he was miserable, has felt rejected for years by my BF physically and emotionally ( this much is true) and it was an ego boost. Nothing happened- he says- and the OW works half way across the world.

He has asked for time to think and gone back to where he lives - so they will not see each other for another 2-3 weeks. My friend is in bits. All along, she felt the ball was in her court but now he is the one taking control and caling the shots. He says he wants them to be happy but doesn't know if he can get over all the terrible things she has said to him- in anger- but real character assassination stuff. (This was over years and years, before the OW incident.)

I've suggested she sits tight and doesn't come over as desperate while he "thinks". But is this right? If he has confessed to a "date" should she give him an ultimatum to decide if he wants to carry on or what? I also think in her heart of hearts she doesn't know if SHE wants to carry on- but when she thinks he may be ending it all, it makes her want him in a way she didn't when there was no fear of him leaving- IYSWIM.

What would you advise her?

Hi, I think I would be inclined to advise him to be honest and leave the relationship. Your friend doesn't sound as if she has much respect for her husband and could be considered abusive. Needing to have the "ball in her court" doesn't sound like too much of a equal union to me.

A long distance marriage could work as long as ground rules are established, observed and that the couple are commited to making it work.

As the Mr in this instance has had his head turned, maybe this is the catalyst to separate rather than continuing to flog a dead horse?

It doesnt sound like there is any point in this relationship, for either of them.

It sounds like he's had enough. And it also sounds as though she doesn;t so much want to keep him as not to let someone else have him, which is not very nice. She should wish him well and let him go.

It sounds as if he's had a bellyfull of your friend calling the shots and, understandably, he now wants out from under.

Strange how the object of derision can suddenly become desirable when they appear to be valued and/or wanted by another...

Your friend doesn't sound as if she values or wants her h and I hope he finds the courage to break free of this abusive relationship that passes as a 'marriage'.

If you're going to encourage her to do anything, I suggest you concentrate your efforts on persuading her to change her ways.

Sounds like this relationship has reached the end of its road. Your friend doesn't come across at all well from what you've posted.

Perhaps if she wants advice you should point her in the direction of this board.

She keeps asking me if I think it's over- for him. I don't know and I don't know how to answer her when she is distressed. Did he tell her about the OW to prepare her for his leaving- or to make her know that someone else likes him even if she doesn't?

There is fault on both sides- he can be moody, angry at nothing, emotionally distant, and makes her feel insecure. In response to this she has over the years become very demanding, always wanting him to make more of a fuss of her and be more demonstrative. I have tried to get her to see that her angry outbursts simply drive him further away. You can't demand attention, IMO.

She is my oldest and best friend and I hate to see her hurt- but at the same time I know she is not blameless. I want to say no more really and let them work it out but when she pushes me for my opinion, it's hard to be honest because there is fault on both sides.

Tell her the truth - which is that you can't possibly know whether it's over for him.

Also, remind her that this relationship hasn't worked for her for a long time and that there'll be no shame in calling it a day.

Sounds like the marriage is all but over anyway.

They live apart.
They have horrible rows.
There seems to be little respect.
She seems controlling and although she doesn't want him she also doesn't want anyone else to have him either.

I would advise her to accept it is over and for them to both move on.

Neither of them is getting much out of this relationship. It sounds as though your friend has only got upset because another woman has shown an interest in her bloke.
If they aren't committed enough to each other to even live in the same country they are as well splitting up now and finding new people to live with and love.