So sad - can this be saved

[tearsofaclown]

New name, regular poster.

Ive been married for 16 years, 3 kids, SAHM.

I have a sexless marriage. Well, virtually sexless....I can count the number of times in the last 5 years on one hand.....

DH is a functioning alcoholic. Over the last few years I have tried/begged to get DH more interested. Nothing changes. Ive heard all the excuses....he just doesnt feel loved, he doesnt know how to restart things, he's stressed at work yada yada yada. Ive grown so hurt over the years at having my advances rebuffed. SO now I dont try. Ive suggested GP advice, but he wont.

DH has continued to self pleasure - so nothing wrong with the equipment - I find the evidence, and that in itself is hurtful - he would rather have a wank than have sex with me?

Recently I found a lot of porn on his pc, and then to my horror, found he has signed up to an adult dating site. Its pretty much a hook up place for married people to find sex. His profile said he was married but looking.

I confronted him about it, he said it was nothing, he had signed up to see, but had not answered any of the ads (true....he signed up in early jan, I found it a month later.)

He said he did not want to split up and would do anything to make sure we were ok. I said I did not know what needed to be done. ANd we left it at that.

SInce then, he has just carried on as normal. I feel so hurt that he has made no effort to reassure me, to make me feel loved and wanted. He knew how hurt I was by the dating site, and yet has done nothing - he continues to wank to porn and leave the evidence for me to clear away.

I dont know what I want to do, or where I want to be with him.

I dont care about the porn - except that it has become a substitute. ditto the wanking. It makes me feel like the most hideous and repulsive creature on the planet, that he would rather wank than make love to me.

Im not good at confrontation, and nor is he. I have told him, at the time I found the dating website, how hurt and betrayed I felt. I just expected him to be proactive and to do something - ANYTHING! to reassure me of his love.

ANy advice?

I think as far as he's concerned it's all done with. He probably had an 'oh shit' moment about the dating site, but you didn't chuck him out, haven't done anything about it since and have stfu - so he's just pretending it never happened. Much more convenient than actually dealing with his own issues or the issues within the marriage.

I'm afraid you're going to have to force a change, if you want one. So you need to work out what you want.

Have you talked to anyone in RL other than him about how things are? If you're concealing a lot about your life from friends & family, perhaps it's time to shine a light on it from outside? Maybe you could consider counselling for yourself to help you work out what you want from here?

As it stands, alcohol and wanking to porn win over you and that suits him just fine.

As Attila always says, what are you getting out of this relationship right now?

Seems like a lot of pain and body-blows to your self-esteem. Is this how you want to live?

Because he's going to do bugger all to improve things as it is. Maybe, just maybe he would take notice if you got serious about leaving or getting him out? I would want him to address the alcoholism through the gp, seek sex therapy and do relationship counselling at a minimum, if I was even to entertain the notion of staying together. I don't think there is much hope as he seems very firmly entrenched in his behaviour, tbh.

There may be a slim possibility that if you make divorce proceedings- and I mean action- and mean it, then it may shock him into change. If it does not, then he was never intending to change anyway, at all.

thank you. I am feeling that we have reached the end. I dont want it to be, because I still love him. but I dont know how much longer I can bear to feel this way.

Getting him to agree to speak to anyone would be nigh impossible. :(