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Relationships

Mumsnet has not checked the qualifications of anyone posting here. If you need help urgently or expert advice, please see our domestic violence webguide and/or relationships webguide. Many Mumsnetters experiencing domestic abuse have found this thread helpful: Listen up, everybody

completely at end of thether mil related!

12 replies

Cazm2 · 25/02/2012 10:08

Hi all I am actually getting so down and frustrated I don't know where esle to vent. I am 36 weeks preg with first baby after first preg mmc. So I appreciate hormonal! Been with Dh 15 years fil died 7 and half years ago. Mil is at home with sil who is 27. Very active socially always out doibg things in fact rarely in. So the crust of the problem is that she whilst understandably excited about gc is constantly picking holes in why aren't we doing things like this hates the names we like and is very vocal about it has put Dh off some. Dh worries constantly about then both and they heavily rely on him still. Sil works at same company sees him most days lift share etc but still not enough. Dh will call in and see mil or text phone every day. It's all one way btw if he doesn't call she will phone and say haven't heard from you. She came round last sat morning we were both still in bed I haven't been feeling well so she came in waited for Dh in kitchen to make tea sat there for 10 mins while he got dressed. I thought she could have put kettle on herself. She does this a lot but Dh won't say no not great time to call in etc. Asked us for dinner Sunday Dh asked me last night I said couldn't as bought food trying to budget etc also trying to finish nursery and jobs. Dh said unfair can she come round here I said no as cooking for her and sil too much at moment. Last Sun they were both out all day so Dh needed to be around to let dog out and feed cats. Sil sends msg at 1030 pm have you left lights on drawn curtains etc I thought cheeky. I guess I am just venting but Dh won't say no to anything and if he does feels bad. They take advantage dreading what will happen when baby arrives. Also mil says she would rather be out all time then in doing housework etc however house is filthy 2 cats elderly dog. She is retired also I hate going round as end up sneezing etc and it stinks if animals animal hair on plates etc. Mil mentioned looking after gc when I go back to work!! Sorry for length!!!

OP posts:
SittingBull · 25/02/2012 10:15

This reply has been deleted

Message withdrawn at poster's request.

21YrOldMan · 25/02/2012 10:22

Your hubbie needs to grow a pair. His mother is very controlling.

Eglu · 25/02/2012 10:23

Could you try to start a conversation with your DH about how you are worried that he will not have any time for the baby once it has arrived as he does so much for his Mum and Sister. Tell him that things will need to change as his priority must be you and the baby and you would like him to think about how he will change the situation. It seems like a nicer way to start it than just arguing with him that he puts them first.

As for the constant visits, tell him you would prefer some boundaries so you can have some private family time.

As for looking after the baby, that can be dealt with way down the line.

Eglu · 25/02/2012 10:25

Or what 21yroldman said. Much more succinct. Grin

Nagoo · 25/02/2012 10:27

Hi all I am actually getting so down and frustrated I don't know where esle to vent. I am 36 weeks preg with first baby after first preg mmc. So I appreciate hormonal!

Been with Dh 15 years fil died 7 and half years ago.

Mil is at home with sil who is 27. Very active socially always out doibg things in fact rarely in.

So the crust of the problem is that she whilst understandably excited about gc is constantly picking holes in why aren't we doing things like this hates the names we like and is very vocal about it has put Dh off some.

Dh worries constantly about then both and they heavily rely on him still.

Sil works at same company sees him most days lift share etc but still not enough. Dh will call in and see mil or text phone every day. It's all one way btw if he doesn't call she will phone and say haven't heard from you.

She came round last sat morning we were both still in bed I haven't been feeling well so she came in waited for Dh in kitchen to make tea sat there for 10 mins while he got dressed. I thought she could have put kettle on herself. She does this a lot but Dh won't say no not great time to call in etc.

Asked us for dinner Sunday Dh asked me last night I said couldn't as bought food trying to budget etc also trying to finish nursery and jobs. Dh said unfair can she come round here I said no as cooking for her and sil too much at moment.

Last Sun they were both out all day so Dh needed to be around to let dog out and feed cats. Sil sends msg at 1030 pm have you left lights on drawn curtains etc I thought cheeky.

I guess I am just venting but Dh won't say no to anything and if he does feels bad. They take advantage dreading what will happen when baby arrives.

Also mil says she would rather be out all time then in doing housework etc however house is filthy 2 cats elderly dog. She is retired also I hate going round as end up sneezing etc and it stinks if animals animal hair on plates etc.

Mil mentioned looking after gc when I go back to work!! Sorry for length!!!

Cazm2 · 25/02/2012 10:28

I have tried to speak but he doesn't really listen I think he feels bad as fil not around. But I just can't cope with it and I would have liked to think he would put us first! I don't feel bad at saying no to my parents for dinner etc

OP posts:
Nagoo · 25/02/2012 10:29

Sorry Blush I am a bit simple this morning, need help digesting post.

You say your DH worries. What about? He was the 'man' of their house?

Cazm2 · 25/02/2012 10:29

Thank you nigu!

OP posts:
IDontDoIroning · 25/02/2012 10:31

Your baby is a BABY and will be helpless and totally dependentbon your and dp your ils are ADULTS and are not unless they chose to be and your dp enables that. Point out the difference to him now as someone will have to come first in the new work order once baby arrives and if dp tries to do what he currently does and look after you and dc then it's s recipie for disaster.
You don't need to cut them off completely. But he needs to start to withdraw.
Perhaps a few gentle hints could be dropped. Lose your keys and forget to give her a new set. Drop hints about childminders nurseries etc.

IDontDoIroning · 25/02/2012 10:32

New world order

Nagoo · 25/02/2012 10:43

Some people would think it rude to help themselves to tea. Would you help yourself in her house?

They invited you for dinner, there's nothing wrong with that.

This is not really to do with them taking the piss, your DH needs to be assertive about what he wants. What does he want?

If the house is filthy then I wouldn't want my DC there.

You will have a good excuse, claim that it is too hard to get out of the house and invite them to your house. If you are too tired to entertain them, then say so.

As the baby gets older you might think about taking a travel cot, rug or playpen so that the baby has somewhere clean to lie/crawl.

Cazm2 · 25/02/2012 10:51

I think in the circumstances I would help myself if I could see my dil was ill in bed Dh not up nothing wrong with putting kettle on. I won't be doing it when baby is here running around making tea. I think Dh might need to speak to someone about things as I don't think he will be able to do it all once baby arrives. However they are aware of this and still take advantage I feel its to easy as we live 10 mins away and sil works with Dh. Dh just says he feels torn all the time!

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