name changed for this one.
Coming from a family where my father emotionally abused my mother, i am desperate not to have an emotionall abusive relationship. It affected me massively and I now have a DS and would never want him to experience like it, or to grow up as internally insecure as I have.
My question is how to have a normal healthy relationship with your partner if you haven't had great role models. I am constantly looking for emotionally abusive behaviour, both within DP and actually in myself, and I am just aware that i have a warped view of relationships. I don't know what is acceptable or not, although i do have ideas, and I don't know how to respond to arguments etc. DP can be moody towards me sometimes, and he is an unfair arguer, become uable to hear other points of view, but i think that someone without my history could ignore these things or respond in a sensible way, and walk away etc etc, but me, I am not strong in these situations. They hurt me so much and I become a victim, becuase I don't know what a normal mature response would be. And i blow things up out of all proportion, becuase i project my father onto these situations, and my desperation to not be treated like, or behave like, my mother. But i do behave like her :( and DP says i behave like a victim before there is need to. Yesterday I stood up to him, and answered back, and actually i could see later on that he respected me for it, and that is who i want to be, and who he wants me to be. I think that having a doormat for a mother, has meant that I have doormat tendencies, so it is not actually the fault of a DP, but the way i respond. Does that make sense?
How do i behave normally in a relationship and judge my relationship fairly when I don't know what is normal acceptable behaviour and what is not. I spend a lot of time worrying about whether DP could be abusive in anyway. Has anyone else dealt with this? Becuase maybe my DP is abusive, maybe he is not...i have no idea what is ok.
thank you for your ideas.