arguing constantly

[nvj]

I hope someone can offer some advice, I feel at my wits ends. DH and I are constantly arguing/bickering about one thing or another.
we both work long hours, he works the night shift (8pm-6am) 4x a wk and I work (8am-6pm) 4x a wk and we both juggle the school drop off and pick off (have 2 young children) so we don't see that much of each other mon-thurs but at weekends we ruin it by the constant arguing.
obviously we are both tired and I appreciate the fact that the night shift is particularly gruelling on the body clock however at weekends he is always sleeping or napping. I get annoyed by this as I just want to spend some together but he just says I am nagging him and will usually just tell me to shut up or go away (or worse!)
he is always swearing at me when we argue infront of our daughters and I never seem to get anywhere when I ask him if we can sit down and sort things out. he's just happy to sweep it all under the carpet until the next time. we arguing every weekend now and this morning have already had a major row about the fact he's had about 14 hrs sleep, I've had 5.5 hrs sleep and I'm the one who got up at 6.10 when our eldest woke up to get her breakfast etc.
he just has no empathy towards how I feel!

another thing is our sex life; difficult anyway cos we never see each other and I'm so tired I probably only genuinely feel
like it about once or twice a month! he has a much higher sex drive than me and will sulk or get in a major strop if I don't put out or pretend I'm in the mood! so in the past I've had to just do it to keep the peace which has made me resentful and at times dread the weekends (when we generally find the time
to do it!)
I really want to try counselling as my husband never listens to me and I think that he would be forced to in a situation like this but he absolutely refuses to even try it, won't even entertain the idea!!

any ideas? what can I do???! v sad and frustrated!! x

anyone got any advice please???! he's just come back from shop still in a strop with me!!

can he change his shifts?

not really as there would be no one to pick children up from school!

Sorry but do you not realise how hard it is to work nights and then have to be up at the weekend? Its gruelling and its no wonder he is tired and wants to sleep, if you want a harmonious marriage then sorry his shifts have to change.

I think you are being a bit selfish to be honest and should give him a break. No one can one min be working nights then change their sleeping pattern at the weekend to suit not working nights.

If you constantly push you will push him into an early grave. He needs to sleep and he needs to do that to match his shifts.

sounds like he needs a new job - shifts are hard on family life
you can get a childminder to do school runs
that's what most of us working parents do, or use breakfast and afterschool clubs

Hi, I didn't want to read and run but I am not sure what advice I can give you.

As far as the sex goes, a whole separate conversation is needed about that one! I know that I am the same as you, with four kids, sex twice a mo th is about my limit, although my husband would have it twice a week fine could. It has caused difficulty in our marriage, but after discussion and compromise we came to an agreement. That being that we would try and have sex once a week, however, if I didn't feel up to it then we didn't without him getting all stroppy about it. It was him getting stroppy that made me worse TBH. There is nothing more of a turn off!
He is being unfair with the major strops and he bees to know this and accept that there is another way of doing things.

As with the weekends and child care/family time issue...I am not sure what is best. Night shifts are difficult, yet there are other families that deal with this and manage a good balance all over the place, and I hope one of those comes on here soon with more practical advice.

I know that when we had issue with shift work and family life suffering as DH was never around, we had the "what's more important to us" conversation. Lots of money in the bank to have holidays and lots of nice things or less money in the bank and a mummy and daddy who are happy and spend more time with the kids. DH was for the former and me the latter. Eventually we took a drop of £18000 a year and adjusted our lives accordingly. Results being a stronger marraige and happier, better behaved children. I am aware tough hat his is not possible for everyone to do, depending on debts, mortgage etc. but it could be something worth thinking about.

Councilling I think would be a good idea as you both need to understand where the other is coming from then reach some sort of middle ground. I am sorry I couldn't help more, but a wiser mnetter will be along soon x

Wow must learn to type faster!

childminder/after school club.. and then you will probably find you have a much better quality of life together.

Shift work is exhausting, it really is not just a case of sleeping in the day instead of at night. Our bodies are not really designed to work at night and it is much harder to cope with.

thankful witchofthenorth- v helpful advice!
my DH loves his job so wouldn't want to get another one tbh! I'm a teacher so am also constantly knackered which doesn't help matters. we have a lot of debt from when I stopped working when I had the kids to pay off so can't really cut hours or get new job. childminder not poss for school run as none in area with vacancies and after-school club full. plus the kids already go to before school
club and I wanted them to be able to come home after school and my DH enjoys picking them up!
maybe I just need to be more tolerant of his extra sleeping requirements like one of the other posters says. just v frustrating that he can't understand my point of view even if he isn't going to change!!
thanks for the advice re sex situation, going to try and tackle that one!

What about advertising for a mothers help? Might free up some time for your husband to get extra rest through the week (I know you said he likes picking up the kids) maybe on his first night shift of the week. Then that could open up the possibility of maybe coming to a compromise on the "off" days? Maybe perhaps, on day one and three of off days are your husbands to adjust to coming off/ going on night shift and day two is for family. It could be a conversation opener if nothing else to try and reach a compromise. I agree with others that night shifts are ridiculous, however, it can't all be about him. He has to understand the impact on the family as a whole and you both o come up with a solution that suits all.

Oh my all my typos I blame my iPad. It's having a bad day!

Wanted to add also that it is very easy to get resentful. My youngest is 7 weeks old and I am dog tired. I do all the nights (breast feeding) , and sometimes at 3 in the morning when my husband is snoring beside me, completely oblivious that I have been awake for hours and will have to be up early for getting older kids to school, pisses me right off. However, his job is driving. He is up at half four everyday for this and he cannot do this job I and when tired. It's far too dangerous. He will though (mostly) pull his weight on the weekend. Sometimes I have to remind him, only because I spent the first 6 years of our marriage playing the martyr and putting up with stuff and he is used to me just "doing"!!

Don't fall into the trap of becoming resentful, try and get him to talk about it, without the descent into argument. Plus don't become a martyr either!!! Some else needs the wood :)

It is unfair that he's slept more than twice as long as you have and yet you're the one doing the running about. Also the sulking and pressuring for sex are massive turn-offs.

And swearing at you and shouting, especially in front of the kids, are unacceptable. It's verbal abuse, and disrespectful, and you shouldn't put up with it. This routinely happening would be a deal-breaker for me.

I think I'd probably take a hard-line, because he's being pretty self-centred here. He may be tired, but he's doing a job he loves and doesn't want to change, so he should be making some of the compromises as well as you trying to think of ways to make life easier.

I'd sit him down and try to have a sensible conversation about how to change things, without it being all about you fucking him more or running after him more. Yes to compromises, but not all on your side, and he has to stop the shouting & swearing at you.