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Original poster

Different attitudes towards sex and self loving

26 replies

juniper904 · 25/02/2012 00:51

My DP and I have been together for 3 1/2 years, and living together for the last 8 months.

It is the first time either of us has lived in a partnership, although I have had a number of long term relationships in comparison to my being his first.

An issue that has recently raised its ugly head, and that we don't agree on, is the idea of our sex life.

I think the only lovin' either of us should do should be within our relationship, whereas he wants to carry on with the self loving. I have expressed my unease at this; for one thing, it means he doesn't want to do things with me if he's done it on his own, and for another he is acting like a single man even though this is a new living arrangement.

He and I just cannot see eye to eye on this. I feel that, as he is still only 26, he would rather still be a single man going around and spreading his seed. I'm only 5 months older, but I am ready for the whole baby thing, and I don't want to spread my wild oat any longer. I've had that chance, and I'm over it.

He had quite a few one night stands, and consequently has had more sexual partners than me, but my relationship history has been all bouts of 3 years at a time, whereas his has been at best 3 nights at a time.

I get that he's young, and it seems like I'm suppressing his fertilising tendencies, but I don't want that shag-anything-that-moves approach any more, but it seems sometimes like my DP would rather be out there doing the dirty with all and sundry.

Am I being unreasonable (woops- wrong board!) to think that, once a couple are living together, then their sex life should be a joint venture? At the moment, it feels like we sometimes interact with each other, but he'd rather still be living the single version of wanking as and when it suits his horniness.

OP posts:
cornsilkakaka · 25/02/2012 00:53

so is dp wanking or sleeping with other people? Confused

MooncupandPizza · 25/02/2012 00:56

yes, I echo what cornsilk said.

When you said "self-love", I assumed you meant he still wanted to do some solo wanking which, in my book, would be fine (in fact, I bloody wish OH would take matters into his own hands sometimes!).

However, if he wants to sleep around, it would be a much bigger issue.

Masturbation can be a useful solution to mismatched libido.

MooncupandPizza · 25/02/2012 00:56

Also, I think most blokes would prefer to have sex with their partner than just a wank but if urges strike, it can be a means to an end.

AmberLeaf · 25/02/2012 00:57

Yeah wanking or shagging around?

If its wanking then YABU

If its shagging around YANBU

VelcroFanjo · 25/02/2012 00:58

Men wank...women wank. As long as he's doing it on his own can't see the problem. IME men find it normal. Why do you have a problem with it? Is he doing it in front of you or in bed, which can feel awkward if you are not comfortable with it.

Original poster
juniper904 · 25/02/2012 01:07

He cheated on me already.

For reasons he can't explain, but probably because he wasn't able to talk to me about what he found wrong with the relationship.

I broke up with him as soon as I found out, but through my own stupidity ability to forgive we got back together.

An issue at present is that I don't find that he turns me on so easily. He goes from kissing, straight to groping. I've tried to explain that his kisses seem brutal and forceful, and then there's nothing in between that and the obvious erogenous zones, but then he gets frustrated and irritated with me, and we end up feeling miles apart.

I don't think I am being unreasonable to be upset by his wanking. I think we have a similar sex drive (in fact, he used to complain my sex drive was too much for him) but he's not willing to put the time or effort in now, and would rather self pleasure.

OP posts:
AmberLeaf · 25/02/2012 01:08

Sounds a bit like you havent actually forgiven him for his infidelity TBH

cornsilkakaka · 25/02/2012 01:09

he doesn't sound very nice

AmberLeaf · 25/02/2012 01:09

Not suggesting that is wrong BTW just saying that is how it seems to me.

I dont blame you TNH it can be very hard to recover something like that particularly in regards to your sex life.

AmberLeaf · 25/02/2012 01:10

TBH not TNH

Milkandlotsofwineplease · 25/02/2012 01:13

So he has cheated on you, and is irritated when you say that you would like a sex life that consists of more than being forcefully groped?

Why are you with this man OP? He sounds awful Sad

Do NOT have a baby with this man. You will be tied to him forever if you do. His behavior will only get worse if you throw a baby into the mix.

Leave him, and find a kind, decent man to have a family with. You are so young, and this man is not good enough for you.

abbierhodes · 25/02/2012 01:13

Ok, lazy sex and cheating= bad signs.

However, you cannot be serious about stopping him from wanking- you don't own his body!

You sound like a control freak, and very immature yourself.

LeBOF · 25/02/2012 01:16

I think your attitude to masturbation is unreasonably controlling, but I think you are wasting your time with somebody who has already cheated on you.

Milkandlotsofwineplease · 25/02/2012 01:17

Agree with abbierhodes it is unreasonable to expect your partner to never masturbabte.

If however the OP feels that masturbation is being used in favour of sex with HER, then that's a whole other kettle of fish.

That isn't the real issue here though is it OP? The problem is your partner's infidelity. You have every right to be upset/furious.

Nobody should have to beg their partner for fidelity and loyalty. It shouldn't have to be asked for! You deserve better OP.

abbierhodes · 25/02/2012 01:20

Oh, and I do agree with everyone else- he doesn't sound like much of a catch- but the masturbation thing is your issue!

solidgoldbrass · 25/02/2012 01:22

You and him have different attitudes and boundaries with regard to monogamy. Either discuss the issue with him ( starting from the position that it's up to the couple to agree where the boundaries are) or bin and move on.

MooncupandPizza · 25/02/2012 01:44

Ok, you've explained yourself a bit better now.
YANBU to expect him to put a bit of effort into your sex life rather than just get himself off.

However, it may be that, since the cheating, you might find it hard to get turned on by him at all.

I agree with people who are saying that you are young, these are not good signs and unlikely to get better so you might be better off cutting your losses and finding someone who won't cheat and who will make you feel good in bed.

oikopolis · 25/02/2012 02:59

my take on this is...

if you KNOW he is wanking all the time and he's simultaneously avoiding sex with you, then he's being silly and i suspect that no amount of sensible conversation will help that. i would get rid.

if he is courteous enough to keep his wanking private, and your sex life isn't suffering at all for it, then i would politely ignore it. i wouldn't be completely overjoyed about it myself (just a personal view, nothing i would push on anyone else), but they're his bits and he can do with them what he wants as long as it's not harming the r/s or himself or me.

however, it sounds like you two have significant ishoos beyond wanking or lack thereof. focus on those. the wanking thing is sort of a red herring imo.

purpleroses · 25/02/2012 19:27

I would assume that a partner I live with does it sometimes, but wouldn't expect to know about it. Should be private! If he's making you aware that he's got that as a better alternative if you're taking more work that really isn't a good sign.

HepHep · 25/02/2012 20:02

The masturbation is a total red herring, love. You are just using it as a foil for all your insecurities, which are quite justified, I may add. There's nothing wrong with the odd wank to relieve tension while in a relationship. If it interferes with your sex life as a couple, or is a symptom of a larger issue, as I would say is certainly the case here, then you have a problem.
Houston, you have a problem. But don't get hung up on the wanking. Sounds like you need to forgive him fully for cheating and move on, or accept that you will never trust him again and move out.

EirikurNoromaour · 25/02/2012 20:14

Agree with everything said above. My first thought was that you do not have the right to expect him to stop masturbating, that is unreasonable and controlling. But reading more, I'd say; cheating, not great, are you convinced he regrets it and will take every step possible to make sure it never happens again? And crap sex, well that's not good. I don't know what to advise you on that.

SayBoo · 25/02/2012 20:17

Masturbation is normal and natural, for both sexes, whether in a relationship or single.

This isnt the issue, from what you have said. He has cheated on you and he isnt ready to settle down and have a family. They are the real issues, yes?

SayBoo · 25/02/2012 20:17

Masturbation, not self loving, please!

SorryMyLollipop · 25/02/2012 21:40

Masturbation = fine.
Cheating = not fine - as others have said this is the real issue, accept/forgive or move on without him

JasperJohns · 25/02/2012 23:08

Self loving! Grin

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