bad relationship with 91 year old mother - help me keep pretending

[gingeroots]

because really what would be the point of doing otherwise ?

I go down to my mothers home every day to give practical support and faux emotional support .
But feel crap because daily her strong personality ,huge negativity ,ego centric approach ,amazing ability to patronise render me speechless and heartbroken .
Heartbroken because it's yet another lightbulb moment when I can see what being raised by her has done to us all .
Not to say that I don't have sympathy and understanding for her - but finding it hard to cope with this level of fraud .
And ... someone I also used to help care for ( friends mum ) has died .
Am bewildered to find that I suddenly feel stripped of a " role " , I'm no longer a semi professional carer ,just someone pretending to support their mother .
Feel exposed and defencless visiting my mother .
FFS - i'm in my 60's - shouldn't I be over feeling intimidated by my mother ?

I'm sorry for your loss. It must be harder to deal with your mum feeling this way, (especially if that person was sweeter and perhaps represented what a good parent can be?).

I can relate to having an elderly person like this to look after. What I used to do was get her on one of her favourite hobby-horses (one that didn't bother me) and let her flow over me, while I got on with things. It wasn't perfect, but we would talk about her favourite things - like memories of her childhood and working in the land army or the flowers she loved, positive stuff - and try to deflect her from her ranty pet-subjects. We rarely rarely ever talked about my life or current situations with family etc. It was much more interesting for me and less soul-sucking. Don't know if it would work for you?

kodachrome my mum is not 92 and this approach works a treat with her. get her revved up on her rant of choice, sit back and watch the clouds pass by

i taped mine once - on my phone - in full flow, just so I would never be tempted to think she wasn't as bonkers as she was!

You have my sympathy. I dont get on very well with my mother either although she doesnt realise. She is so critical of me. My df and her are both very old and frail. I feel incredibly guilty in feeling that if my dad dies first I wont be able to cope with my mother.

Can you get a carer in to do what needs to be done and just visit a couple of times a week?

Sometimes being old is just not enough of a reason for people to like you or forgive you.

You have my sympathy too. I had a mum who played off we 6 kids against each other. I was the youngest, the one who most definitely wasn't wanted, as she told me regularly.

She died a couple of years ago, still favouring my 2 oldest sisters, despite the fact that they were the two who bothered with her least and were nowhere to be seen when mum and dad were on the bones of their arses, broke and struggling to have a life.

Long story short, mum died 2 years ago aged 82. The two years pror to that she seemed to really have it in for my lovely sister...turned out the two favourites had sewn the seeds of distrust and dislike in my mum and she fell for it. I had to tell my fave sister not to fall out with mum weekly. She'd ring and tell me what awful things mum had said to her and I had to tell her that she'd hate it if anything happened to mum and they weren't talking. Lovely sis held on by a shoestring in the end BUT my two eldest sisters are no longer in contact. One of em didn't even turn up for mum's funeral. And now don't have to care about her at all.

All you have to think about is that you will not have to tolerate this strange relationship for much longer and you are the better person, ultimately. Keep that thought in your head.

I'm a care worker and have also seen a very similar situation nearly develop between my Dad and his similar-age mother.

You cannot control her behavior, only your reaction to it -Dad was regularly coming away almost purple with rage at her self centredness, and my Dad is one of the calmest people I know. Substitute the word Old for Ill in your head and hopefully the sympathy will come to the fore.

In the mean time, make sure the is ready when you get home

My dm was a verydomineering person and I alway found it very difficult to handle as she always reduced me to feeling i was about 5 years old. However since she died I'v realsied I never really knew much about her life and childhood as all my other relatives have also died. Why don't you aks har about all the things you don't know about so that when she's gone you don't have to think, like me, I wonder where she went to school, who her friends were, when did she have her first boyfriend, what happend to her in the war years and so on.

Thank you all for your kind and thoughtful replies .
flappergasthed what an awful situation you had and yes ,good point my situation won't go on for ever .
springaroundthecorner - oh yes the guilt is hard isn't it .
Families ate tough aren't they ?

Oh well ,another day another performance .

I'm so very sorry for your loss which, no doubt, has served to bring your role in caring for your mother into stark relief.

Guilt is a harsh taskmaster that can transmute the most venial sin into a hanging offence and which can lead us to beat ourselves up for no valid reason.

All you can do is your best and you certainly sound as if you have done, and are doing, your utmost to provide care and support to an aged parent who many would have turned their back on long ago.

When we're caring for others who drain our inner resources, it's vital that we take care of ourselves so that we can continue to sustain our efforts.

As far as possible, 'compartmentalise' your visits to her - think 'camera, lights, action', go through the motions, and take a litle time out to wind down after every performance before you return to your non-theatrical life.

Please don't allow yourself to feel any additional guilt should you find yourself praying for the inevitable to happen sooner rather than later although, as I reckon your mum could be a candidate for 'the telegram', it's probable that 'sooner' will be 'later' - and this is all the more reason why you should go easy on yourself during this particular rite of passage.

Liking the " camera ,lights ,action " !
I think I do compartmentalise a bit ,but need to work on the winding down I think .
Thanks for posting .

i taped mine once - on my phone - in full flow, just so I would never be tempted to think she wasn't as bonkers as she was
I wished I did this last Sunday when my mum was in full flow and ranting.
Dh just wallked in on it and raised his eyes and muttered different week, same shit.
He then let me rant until I cooled down and he just said 'It's not going t change you know'

I'm in a similar situation and, like you OP, it's too late now for a showdown (though some may come on and say it is never too late...). I also find it hard to be dishonest in my relationship with my mum - it feels so fake and wrong. I don't think though that you should beat yourself up about being in your 60s and still affected by your mother - imo this stuff can runs right through our lives.

I will say one thing though: it can be a tough bereavement when someone dies who you didn't get to resolve things with, even in your own head. If you're like me, in one way I'm waiting for my mum to die (hard to say it..). It's not too late to get some counselling to work out your feelings btw. I'd definitely give that a go iiwy.

ginger another one here who is in a similar situation. I can't cope with the fake 'yes we're all fine' (but why don't I feel like I can tell you the truth), the negativity, the total lack of any reality, and the guilt at feeling so bitter towards my own Mum. Every so often I try to talk to her and I know it is pointless and counter productive but somehow I still want to resolve things. Sadly I think she is also now showing signs of dementia.

What works best for me is when I think in terms of her being ill and repeating 'she can't help it' over and over. Putting the phone on speaker and getting on with practical things like emptying the dishwasher distracts me and seems to lessen the impact. It's enormously difficult to cope with but maybe you could try giving yourself a wry smile, a song lyric, anything that works for you to emotionally distance yourself.

The emotionally-distancing thing I agree with - especially if too late to confront, or it has made no difference. Seeing someone everyday when you have to put on an act is not healthy. I would create a bigger distance.

I can't cope with the fake 'yes we're all fine' (but why don't I feel like I can tell you the truth), the negativity, the total lack of any reality, and the guilt at feeling so bitter towards my own Mum

oh yes ,so familiar . It's not that my mother doesn't care ( and would be beyond horrified to hear the suggestion that she doesn't care ,she does ,she cares so much about us all that we have to hear how anxious our problems make her ),it's just that she only cares about it from her point of view . It's no longer my problem ,it's hers .
She learns of death of a peer from the son - first words out of her mouth " Oh no that's my last link with my childhood . Don't tell me that I'm all alone now ."
Plus she makes things up /exaggerates .
So to mention my toothache would instantly become " I'm so worried about you ,how are you going to cope ... on and on and on " It becomes a worry for her that I then have to reassure her about .
She's always been this way ( obviously her old age and more restricted view of the world increases the intensity ) but i've only just realised - I always thought the fault was all mine .
And really I'm very angry to have been raised by someone with so many issues ,so ego centric ,so negative .