I can't stop thinking about other men! Someone snap me out of it!!

[detoxneedednow]

Hi everyone!

I've been on here several times talking about my dp and the problems that we have. There are quite a few issues with us to be honest, but we do love each other more than anything......apart from our dd who is our life.

The real problem for me recently is the fact that dp is still very attracted to me, but i'm not really attracted to dp. He's a really good looking guy, but the spark has well and truely fizzled for me. Just goes to show looks really are secondary.

Recently though and rather worryingly, i'm always fantasising about other men. I think it's natural and healthy to still find other people attractive when you're in a relationship, but this is different. I find myself holding a man's gaze just that little bit too long where it becomes obvious we're attracted to one another. It's turning into a daily thing and i'm becoming really concerned.

When my dp comes on to me ,most nights to be fair, I will usually make up some excuse as I just can't get myself in the mood........even though I have been probably most of the day. When we do have sex, it's great and he's a very selfless lover(hope you don't mind me going into details) but it's just that initial feeling that is lacking. The lust I suppose, it's just not there for me.

Please don't think of me as some floozy. It's not in my character to cheat and when i'm thinking clearly I genuinely have no intention of doing so. I know that the grass isn't always greener, but what if it is. I know really deep down it's not just a sexual issue, it's more than that. I crave more. Is that wrong? Is this completely normal and just something that I need to snap myself out of it? If so, how?

Again, please don't judge me too harshly. I'm so confused and could really do with some constructive advice.

Thanks for reading.

What is it you "crave more" of?

What are you getting out of holding men's gazes and fantasising about them?

Yes, I wont lie, when i'm holding their gaze etc it is just a bit of a thrill or excitment, but I think that thereason i'm doing it is the real issue.

Today for example, I was at the petrol station and this guy pulled up who I don't know to talk to, but have admired from a far I guess since I was a teenager. He's not even particularly good looking, but he's very tall and manly and a farmer I think. I guess he has this 'rough and ready' aura about him. As soon as I saw him I got butterflies, followed by this overwhelming sexual attraction. I marched straight to the car after paying and tried not to make eye contact again when I drove off, but failed. I got the sense the feeling was mutual. I was so angry at myself for feeling so much attraction and yearning for someone else. It's just not right. I know it isn't.

Can I actually control these feelings?

You sound pretty rampant . Have you changed your contraception or is there anything hormonal going on that may be affecting you?

Maybe the issues in your relationship are related to your lack of interest in sex with your dp - perhaps underlying resentments?

Do you spend much time together just as a couple?

I could be way off here, but it sounds to me like you don't really respect your DP. I note that you say that he is a very selfless lover, which seems like it ought to be a good thing, but there is something about the rest of the post that rings alarm bells. You sound almost like you are looking for reasons to have an affair, despite your denials.

There are similarities between what you write and what my STBXW used to say. After we were separated she said that she wished that she did "fancy" me; that I was good-looking and a nice guy, but that I just didn't float her boat. Our relationship, as a consequence was very asymmetric.

I would suggest that you try and work out exactly what is missing from your relationship. Was there ever a time when there was a spark? It sounds like a stupid question, but I think quite a few people end up getting together on the basis that their partners are "good enough", or because despite their misgivings, they feel that there are so many good things about their partners that they would be crazy not to commit long term.

My STBXW ended up having a 3 year affair with someone who she freely admits wasn't "better" than me, but with whom the spark was there. She also thought that she wasn't the type to have an affair.

when i'm holding their gaze etc it is just a bit of a thrill or excitment, but I think that thereason i'm doing it is the real issue.

So what is this reason?

And how else can you address it, if your current behaviour distresses you?

Kod, no nothings changed, but i've always been led by my hormones. I'm a very emotional person and every emotion that I feel is extreme. I would assume I maybe reaching my sexual peak(i'm 27) but why don't I want my dp?

notanother thank you for being so honest about your situation. I respect my dp, but I don't always look up to him or admire him. I don't really feel like he knows me and I think he thinks that that is normal. I was even talking to him about that last night and he just said that I was complicated and he wasn't. Whatever that means....... But, please don't think that i'm just looking for an excuse to have an affair, i'm really not. I just genuinely wanted a little advice.

Hot I don't know what the reason is, but I know that i'm not just looking for a seedy affair. Like I say, I am fine with the occasional fantasy because I know everyone does it, even in happy relationships It's the fact that it's so often and so intense.

Has your relationship maybe fallen into a bit of a routine? Like there's lots of affection and care for each other but your DP is sort of used to you being up for going from daily stuff right to being intimate and right now you just aren't? Do you still do 'date' kind of things or are you both really busy with your dd and everything else?

anastasia, we do actually have a lot of time for one another. We go out most weeks just the 2 of us and we talk a lot, although that's pretty much always my instigation. I know that a lot of couples are just so busy that they don't have time for one another and that makes sense as to why the fire has gone out, buy although we're busy, we don't really come under that catagory, so there really isn't any excuse. When I go to bed, I'm not exhausted usually and I don't always have a headache, I just don't want to have sex. God, that sounds so awful, but I think I need to be honest. Before anyone asks, I have been honest with dp about this. I haven't told him about the fantasies, but i've told him how i'm not really lusting after him anymore. He took it pretty well, but assumed that just paying me more attention in the bedroom would be the answer. Obviously, it wasn't.

I know i'm sounding really selfish. Like he's offering to do everything and i'm just not interested. It's not like that. There are other issues. Like I said before, I don't feel like he knows me like I know him. He can be very aggressive and rude. He doesn't seem interested in learning new things and will avoid reading the newspaper and instead will read car magazines and watch top gear. Obviously I respect the fact he has a hobby, but it seems to be all he's interested in outside work. I would love to talk to him about lots of different things, but he either doesn't have the knowledge to be able to, or he just isn't interested.

No-one is 'led by' their hormones though and as adults we have to control our emotions at times, in order to stop hurting others.

Tbh, you sound a bit of a 'romance addict' who isn't happy unless you've got a crush to obsess over or some bloke professing undying love or lust for you. Also perhaps a bit of a drama leech, in that you get personal validation from dramatic highs and lows and 'make-or-break' conversations with your partner. Maybe this is what he partner means about you being 'complicated'. Maybe he treats you like an adult and equal in your relationship, but that doesn't meet your need to be put on a pedestal and worshipped.

Alternatively, it could be that your partner is an insensitive clod who treats you like an inanimate object. Or that you're too young/inexperienced to settle down in a monogamous relationship. Or monogamy will never suit you.

What's your relationship like with your father?

Could it be that you seek the thrill of novely and conquest, and that this just doesn't apply with your DP anymore now that he is an established DP?

some people are indeed not made for monogamy. Or, at 27 maybe you haven't had enough sex with others to settle for one (who doesn't put you on fire)?
If you find him boring, that can also be a reason - suggest to him that you need conversation and rapport to get into the mood.

Ah now that post of 13:32:08 says to me that you don't actually like him that much some of the time or at least you're rather bored by him. So no wonder the sexy isn't there for you.

I haven't read your other thread, detox, but it does indeed sound like you and your DP have issues. I'm not sure what you mean when you say you respect your DP, but that you don't look up to him or admire him. Certainly, it's not a good thing to put someone on a pedestal, but a long term, healthy relationship must have some sense of equality. I don't get the impression that yours does. And I'm also perplexed by your DPs reaction to you trying to discuss the situation.

I guess the real question is how much of a deal breaker is all this? If the situation doesn't improve would you be prepared to end the relationship? I think that you might benefit from working all this through with a relationship counsellor. Find out what it is that you don't get from your DP and why these other randoms excite you so much. You also didn't say whether your DP ever elicited the same excitement in you.

sternface actually I don't think it's either of your suggestions. I'm the least romantic person you could meet. I believe in love and being in love, but i'm a realist and I don't believe in 'the fairytale'. I'm also not a drama leech. I hate it when we're really at make or break situation. I just want us to be happy without the confusion. I don't expect to be worshipped, but I bloody well expect to be appreciated. Yes, I may not appreciate him sexually, but I feel like that's the only way he appreciates me...........when it actually happens. So no, it's definitely not that.

I believe in monogamy and it's suited me for the past 12 years, as i've never cheated on any of my partners, current or previous. I think that' s rather telling.

I don't have a great relationship with my father. I love him and I know he loves me, but we don't really talk and we certainly have our issues. Why do you ask?

notanother, I would be a fool to say that if the situation wasn't to improve then I would stay regardless. I don't think i''m a fool, so yes, I would be prepared to leave. Although dp would probably make things very difficult with dd but that's another story. To answer your question rather bluntly, no, I don't think I ever had that thrill with dp which i'm craving so much now. When we were first together we really were rampant and I did want him, but i'm wondering whether or not that was because I was so young and was just discovering my sexuality more than anything else.

hisgentle, I have tried to explain to him that I need the stimulating conversation in order to be sexually stimulated later on. Although, that's rather conflicting isn't it...............I'm having all these fantasies about men that i'm not even talking to Really don't know what that means then. Interesting.

To be honest, it sounds like you've outgrown him... which is perfectly normal given how young you got together, but obviously a concern given that you have a child together.

it sounds like he's not you preferred sexual type, the one that really gets you going quickly (and fantasy men are, also no negative issues attached to them so nothing distracts you ).
In LTR you don't have to be with your ideal sexual type, but then he has to be a great partner. He doesn't sound a great partner, for a woman in LTR it's CRUCIAL to be appreciated as a person to be turned on, unless she's a very submissive type which you are not. Otherwise what's the point of having ltr, you could as well lust over others without much interaction, purely based on chemistry, he needs to understand that. If he can't, I'd say it's best to split up. It's true, he sounds TOO simple for you, i.e. can't be arsed to understand you or any woman, and smug with it (not good).

detox

I answered your thread on another page on this site some time back and am sorry though not really surprised that things have not really improved for you.

Think your female intuition is trying to tell you something and what it is saying is perhaps not something you are prepared as yet to acknowledge i.e that the person you are with is not the one for you ultimately. He has previously also told you some very hurtful things; I don't think you have managed to get past that.

Hi Attila. I bet you wish i'd just stop posting, stop whinging and get on with it I'm quite embarassed by it tbh. I know nobody on here knows me, but nevertheless, I still feel slightly icky about it. Maybe you're right. The idea of leaving him right now though is almost unbearable.

Oh I remember you now too. #ominous music#

I think you know what you need to do really.

Perhaps your new-found interest in other men is your I-want-to-escape side trying to subvert your afraid-to-jump side.

Hi Detox,

No I don't think that at all:) but you only have one life and you're still very young really (late 20s if I recall correctly?). I think you have and continue to sell yourself short at the hands of this man who you have outgrown. BTW are you still engaged to this person?.

Where do you see yourself in a year's time?.

Think carefully now about how you wish your life to proceed, this is for your DDs sake as much as your own.

What do you get out of this relationship now?.
What do you want to teach your own child about relationships?. What are you both teaching her about relationships here?.

Kod, I think you may have hit the nail on the head actually.

Attila, we are still engaged, although the other night we had a huge argument and I ended up throwing the ring at him. He took it and I haven't seen it since. I can't blame him really.

I don't know where I see myself in a years time. I want to be happy, obviously and there is a part of me that still believes we could be happy together. I agree that I have a huge responsibility to set an example for our dd, but you may remember that i'm not 100% comfortable(to say the least) at the idea of dp having dd on his own on for a significant period of time. I have to take that into consideration. Break ups with children are always so hard for everyone involved, but the situation that i'm in- it just feels like i'm trapped. There you go, I said it.

I think you want to be happy together but its not working out is it and what you have tried to date has not worked. Your subconscious mind is telling you that it is not and what Kodachrome has said also makes a lot of sense.

I have written previously about formalising contact post any separation with this man and I would strongly advise you do this in the event of a split. She is entitled to have a relationship with her Dad and contact can be formalised.

It takes two to keep a relationship going; what has he really done to try and address the problems within this?. I think you have been doing all the donkey work here to keep this relationship going. You do not have to feel or remain trapped however.

I remember you saying before about formalising contact, but the idea seems so impersonal and tbh, scary. I guess that's because it is. I know that if I said to him "that's it" or words to that affect, he would swear that things would change and of course if he asked me, I couldn't pretend that the love has gone, because (as I keep saying) it hasn't. If anyting I love him more.

I would never settle if dp had dd for a weekend say. I would be worrying all the time. Has he given her her breakfast, lunch, dinner, drink? What if she becomes wheazy(she's asthmatic).........he wont notice probably. What if he let's her go somewhere that I know she's not ready for yet? What if he shouts at her and i'm not there to comfort her. He doesn't realise how he can scare dd so much sometimes. He just thinks he's being a dad and telling off his daughter who has done something wrong. But it's in such an unnecessary and intimidating way. He just doesn't seem to have that instinct that most parents have. I'm constantly reminding him.