how best to deal with a moody OH?

[multicolourcat]

DP and I generally have a good relationship. He does however get moody at times and I am very (possibly over-)sensitive to this. I would like to be able to just ignore them and learn to not let them affect me, as I don't think he will ever entirely stop being moody. Does anyone know of any positive strategies to deal with moody otherhalfs?

Thanks.

it might not sound like a big one, but when he gets in moods i get so so churned up. He says getting in moods is normal, and he is probably right, but i end up acting like a victim, rather than a mature adult who can just ignore them. Does anyone have any ways that they have dealt with moods? I think that I probably exaccerbate them by my reaction and emotions. thanks

Well, you've identified that you are making them worse and what you are doing wrong, so Just do it! His moods are his moods - they are nothing to do with you.
Butt out
Ignore him
Think of him being in a mood like him needing a poo - it's private!
Go somewhere else
Find something more fun to do
Go and write a diatribe in a diary
Come on mumsnet and read all the old classic threads
Clean the bathroom/do a wardrobe clear out
Watch a romcom/horror movie
Do an exercise video
I am sure you can think of something!

If DH gets moody or miserable, I just ignore and carry on as if he weren't moody being even more cheery than normal because it winds him up more. I don't fuss him or try to cheer him up or fret about what's up.

It does depend if your DH is being twattishly moody though - if he uses it as a punishment against you or because you won't do as you're told then ignoring it won't solve the problem. If he's glum over losing a football match or just having an 'off' day which we can all have once in a while then just ignore and go about your day.

Yeah, it's not very often, but often enough, and the moods can be directed towards me, not just snappy becuase he's in a mood, but more because he is in a mood WITH ME. If he is glum because of football or something, then that is completely fine, i don't feel worried or churned up about that. So, it is when he is a mood with me because i've annoyed him, and yes, I guess i feel that he is treating me unfairly. But I respond by quizzing him why he is being moody at me, that i don't deserve etc, and then end up acting like a victim and getting all upset. Generally he gets in moods with me over small daft things, things which if the other way around i would just talk to him about, but he instead gets moody at me, and yes, it does feel nasty, nasty darting eyes at me which i hate. I grew up with a very moody father and a mother who pandered to all his needs when in his moods for a happy house , so i think this is why i get churned up and don't know how to respond - i don't want to be a doormat like her, but don't know the best way to deal with them. I think ignoring might be good and can work, but they are hurtful and i hate pretending that i am not hurt when i am, it can bubble up inside...

"I don't know why you're in a mood with me, but when you're ready to tell me and talk about it like an adult then fine. Until then, please keep out of my way".

Then ignore, ignore, ignore. Just go about your business as usual as if his behaviour is not bothering you even a tiny bit. In fact, try and act even cheerier than usual. Don't engage with him AT ALL until he can speak to you in a pleasant manner.

Do you ever wonder if he actually likes you feeling nervous, churned up, hurt, upset? Does he do it at particular times, like when you're really happy, or before/after you have a night out with friends, or any other significant times.

If he's doing this often, he's doing it as a form of control. Take away his control.

Right well that's being sulky and manipulative, not just moody.

I do think you need to detach and learn to maintain your own good mood without being dependent on his. That's healthy for you, it also shows him he isn't able to control you by sulking. No need to be OTT or deliberately obvious about it, just step away and get on with something else and, make sure you keep up relationships with your friends and family so you have things to look forward to that aren't dependent on him.

You then need to tell him that you find his sulking ridiculous and childish and won't be responding to it - in fact it decreases the chance of him getting what he wants and makes him utterly unattractive to you in the meantime, as you are not attracted to children. If something is bothering him he needs to talk to you about like a grown up, deal with it and move on.

You could also point out that he is shooting himself in the foot as the long-term consequence of this behaviour is that you associate and attach you happiness with being alone and with other people, not with him. The longer he sulks, the more useless he makes himself to you, so the more you learn to get on with your own life and depend on yourself, potentially realising he his more of a burden than a joy to be with.

Tell him to sod off and grow up then walk away and get on with what you're doing. Don't get dragged into his childish behaviour. Toughen up.

I respond by quizzing him why he is being moody at me, that i don't deserve etc, and then end up acting like a victim and getting all upset.

"acting like a victim"? No, you are perfectely entitled to be upset by upsetting behaviour.

I think your upbringing not only has a lot to do with why this upsets you, but also a lot to do with why you accept it.

He is definitely being manipulative, and unpleasant. You could learn some useful tips in how to react in an assertiveness manual - there are plenty on line. The basics are:

1. describe the upsetting behaviour unemotively.
2. state how it makes you feel, using only "I" statements.
3. Request alternative behaviour.

If necessary, repeat steps 2 and 3, and/or just leave the situation, detach, ignore, and get on with your own life, once you have made your feelings on the offending behaviour clear.