Totally stuck and it is all my fault

[donttellmeoff]

I am really really struggling at the moment, I feel so overwhelmed with sadness and worry. I am having therapy and I am on anti-depressants.

I cut myself fairly badly last Friday (cut a vein, had to be sewn up by a plastic surgeon). It was the first time I have cut myself in 4 years. I last cut myself for a period of 4 months shortly before we married. My DH is upset and angry and announced tonight that if I cut myself again he will leave me. I am so so upset, I just feel like I cannot guarantee I won't cut myself again. And what happened to in sickness and in health?

He will not accept that my self harm is part me being unwell mentally, he just says that it is a choice (which I know it is but it is not as simple as me thinking Oh I won't self harm and that's that.) I know that my self harm is at a dangerous level and I know that I am now at a stage where I am starting to put myself at risk with my cutting. I know he is scared and he doesn't want to deal with that and he wants me to stay safe.

I know all of that but I just want him to be there no matter what. I feel guilty all of the time for what I have done to him, I feel guilty all of the time for how much I have screwed my life up again and again and again.

I just feel like leaving right here right now and being done with it because if that is how he feels about me what is the point? I am so upset with all of this. I just feel totally stuck.

I am trying not to cut and I would rather not but ultimatums (which this is) only serve to make you feel worse.

Ugh

I agree with Olgag. If you are at risk of OD you can just as easily do that with a bottle of Paracetamol!

I really think a change of GP is called for. Is there anybody else at the same surgery you can see?

You don't sound selfish at all. A selfish person wouldn't care about how her husband, or anybody else beside herself felt. In fact you are the opposite of selfish because you care so much.

Hope you are doing OK today OP. Keeping busy is definitely a good thing. The more things you have to fill your time the better.

I think you should be seeing a psychiatrist. Some antidepressants are better for self harming urges than others and a psychiatrist would have more knowledge about it than a GP.

I think you need to get a 2nd opinion on the anti depressants you have been prescribed, they should have started to make a difference to your mood and anxiety levels after 2 months.

It is very difficult for your DH to know and accept that you are self harming. I have some idea how he feels, he loves you and wants to protect you from harm. But he needs to learn to accept that self harming is part of you.

My daughter is a self harmer and it goes against everything I feel is right, to know that she delibrately cuts herself. I love her and my role, as her mum, is to protect her from harm, but she is the one who is hurting herself, and that was hard to get my head around.

I read as much information about self harming as I could find and realised I had to view it in an objective light, it's my daughter's coping strategy, she will probably always be a self harmer, might not always use self harming to cope, but the thoughts/need will be lurking there.
It's worked out much better since I accepted it for what it is, my daughter doesn't have to hide it from me, she feels less guilty about it, doesn't get into a cycle of self harming because of stress, then guilt about self harming because she knows it upsets people.

It's hard enough coping with depression, anxiety and the guilty feelings that accompany self harming, if you know that by cutting yourself, you are invariably causing distress to someone you love. Talk to your DH, tell him how you feel and how he can support you.

I hope you are feeling a little better today and remember, it is the depression that makes you feel as though you have screwed up life, you haven't at all. Your life is still there, just waiting for the dark cloud to be lifted.

Thank you for your replies. TBH I think I have an anxiety disorder rather than depression, I have seen psychiatrists in the past who have said I am not depressed and I don't need medication.

My DH has been very nice to me these past few days and we have talked a lot about his feelings of worry and concern. I still feel low and worried but hopefully we can get through this together.