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Relationships

Mumsnet has not checked the qualifications of anyone posting here. If you need help urgently or expert advice, please see our domestic violence webguide and/or relationships webguide. Many Mumsnetters experiencing domestic abuse have found this thread helpful: Listen up, everybody

Please give me some advice on how to deal with this..

5 replies

blueballoon79 · 23/02/2012 20:01

I've split up with my partner as he had decided to go travelling in June this year with the hope of staying there.
Original thread here:

www.mumsnet.com/Talk/am_i_being_unreasonable/1405584-to-be-feeling-so-heart-broken-and-let-down-by-this

Throughout our relationship he promised me marriage, asked me if I'd move in with him and told me he felt I was part of his family, then at the end he said he didn't feel our relationship was serious and couldn't see it going anywhere and was going to end it in June when he went travelling but it was up to me if I wanted to end it before.

He then kept sending me messages on Facebook teling me how much he loved and cared for me and he kept asking for affection and asking if I loved him.

I was so upset and confused and in the end I decided I couldn't do this to myself anymore and I ended it.

The problem is I am struggling incredibly with feeling so angry with him. I feel he has led me on and I feel like calling him and telling him what a selfish arsehole he is although I know that's a stupid idea, so please could someone help me and let me know how to get over this horrible feeling?

OP posts:
madonnawhore · 23/02/2012 20:53

The end of a relationship is a form of grief. And unfortunately you can't speed up grief, you just have to ride it out.

What may help you though, is the knowledge that you've been true to yourself and you've done the right thing.

I remember your other thread and he really was being very unfair. He raised all your expectations and then moved the goalposts. And you, quite rightly, told him that that wasn't good enough for you. You should be proud of yourself for demanding higher standards than he's able to offer you.

He can't have it both ways.

He's made his choice, and there are consequences. The fact he's facebooking you with all this emotional rubbish suggests that he hasn't yet grasped that fact.

Stay strong. You're doing the right thing.

madonnawhore · 23/02/2012 20:54

Oh, and you have every right to feel angry.

I suspect you feel especially angry because he's being so obtuse about the fact that it's over.

I think you'd be well within your rights to tell him to stop messaging you and accept the consequences of his choice.

kodachrome · 23/02/2012 21:00

I think you should have a good old rant to some mates and get the anger out, maybe a kick-boxing lesson or thundering run. Or write him a letter and then burn it.

He sounds like he's a dog-in-the-manger, didn't want you enough but didn't want you to move on either. He wanted you on a string, basically.

If you still have him on FB, block him and set up your email settings to send him to junk.

blueballoon79 · 24/02/2012 09:17

Thank you both of you! I have now blocked him on Facebook, so won't be able to receive anymore messages and I've arranged to meet a friend today who will really tell me to sort myself out- she's very strong minded like that and is very cross with him and how he's treated me, so that should help.

I just hope this anger and upset goes away soon. I think the worst part of it is realising that I really do think he has just used me for this past year. I feel so stupid for not realising sooner. :(

OP posts:
glassandahalf · 24/02/2012 10:21

Hi Blue, have read both threads and just wanted to say, try not to get caught up in the anger and hurt and above all, feeling stupid. You haven't been stupid. You fell in love with someone, and in all probability he loved you too. But he also came with a lot of baggage - an ex-wife who seems to hate him, children he is not allowed access to, he has had a breakdown, lost his job - it's quite a long list. His wanting to travel or even emigrate to get away from all this is understandable, and I don't think it's any reflection on you or your relationship. He is 30 (though he sounds much younger) and clearly has some growing up to do.

Giving him the benefit of the doubt, he probably told you now that he is leaving in June so that you both have time to come to terms with it. Who knows, it may not even happen, but if it does, surely it would be more shocking for him to tell you out of the blue that he is leaving the next day, or the next week? That would have made your whole relationship seem like a lie, if he could hide something so huge until the last minute. I think he had to tell you. True, it could be that he just wanted to have his cake and eat it, but it sounds like he doesn't really know what he wants, which is why he needs to go away and find out.

In the meantime, try not to have much contact with him. Sure, block him on Facebook etc, but if he does phone you, just calmly tell him that you need some space for a few weeks and you'd like him to respect that.

Who knows what will happen in the future, he may go abroad, he may sort himself out or he may not. And, given some space and time, you might look back on your relationship and realise that though you feel like you love him now, he maybe didn't deserve your love. Who knows? But please don't feel stupid - try to see it as something that made you (both) happy for a year but probably wasn't meant to be.

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