Would I be cruel to throw him out?

[blossom123]

I posted about a month ago ( sorry you lot are going to get sick of me) when dp announced he felt trapped and wanted to split, sorry I don't know how to put a link. Anyway have spent the last month arguing/talking about our relationship. He is constantly contradicting himself on all things, it is just not normal, and yes light bulb moment I think he is guilty of gaslighting. I have told him to leave as this is actually my house and he could never afford to pay the mortgage and stay here anyway. But he just seems to think this can carry on living here paying no money, I feel like his mum. I just am burning with resentment. He says I am being really mean by not wanting to amicable. Was shouting @ me last night saying I was just like my parents who have not spoken since they divorced 15 years ago. He was trying to convince me that I am mad and not normal ( most people when they split up are amicable) I should send him on here!!! Then his parting shot last night was hah! well you want like it when I go to Rome for the weekend, bit of joke really because hecan not afford to put petrol in the car let alone go to Italy for the weekend, though his passport has gone. Anyway I just feel lonely and sad and sorry things are so bad, part of me still loves him. I also feel sorry for DS, which brings me to the title. I actually just feel like bundling his stuff and cutting all contact for while to allow myself to recover a bit. I can not bear to see him every day when he leaves, is this unreasonable m I being heartless. I know he has no money and nowhere to go, I think DS may hate me if I force him out. Lastly many people automatically assumed he was having an affair, I actually do not believe that is the case. Something is terrible wrong with him but OW is not it ( I think) Please give me some wise words, what would you do? My head is a mess right now. Sorry for the long post, think I needed to rant

Do what you're instincts are telling you to do. Send him packing for say a month and see how YOU feel afterwards.

You need time away so you can see the woods for the trees, you won't be able to do this unless you separate.

Oh, he's a gaslighting and freeloading tosser.

Lucky for you, the house is yours and you have every right to throw him out (and should).

He won't go easily, though. So be prepared to stand firm.

I had an ex like this. He lived in MY house, paying next to nothing. I also had a DS (but from a previous relationship).

I was gaslighted, lied to, shouted at when he was drunk (he was an alcoholic) and in the end, I couldn't stand what it was doing to me or my son.

So, I undertook "Operation Bastard". I rang a local double glazing company who had done some work for me previously, giving them advanced warning that I would need my front door lock changed at very short notice. When I knew my ex was away for the day, I rang the double glazing company very early, they came and changed the lock. I then spent the rest of the day putting all my ex's things into black sacks and took them to his dad's house. After that, I then texted him to say that he couldn't come back to the house. It was all over. Sorry.

To his credit, he didn't try to come back. But my word, the change in the atmosphere in the house was instantaneous. My son and I got home after I'd collected him from after school club, changed into our pj's, got pizza and garlic bread for tea (and a glass or 3 of wine for me) and did a little jig round the living room. T'was a grand moment!!!!

Ah lemony he is an alcoholic. Love the "operation bastard". Big trouble here is the DS is his and I don't want him to be hurt. But if he goes I just cannot bear to face him straight away, it is almost like I want him to disappear.

Amicable doesn't mean you letting him stay in your house, while he gives you a hard time and pays nothing. While you let him stay on, he doesn't need to look for anywhere else and this could go on forever.

Your ds won't hate you. It won't necessarily be accepted straight away, but he will adapt. You will have to explain that the two of you can't live together any more because of the shouting and unhappiness, but he is still loved by you both and he will still see his dad.

No and you'd be cruel to your DS and yourself if you let him stay. Your DS has already been damaged by his father's behaviour, don't let it continue.

You will have to allow access, but you could arrange for hand-overs to be done by friends or family members (or picking up after school depending on your ds' age) if you don't want to see him. You could refuse face-to-face contact and just deal with access arrangements via text or email.

He is very unlikely to just disappear .

I can't be amicable right now, I feel angry, hurt and resentful. I have been doing a good job withdrawing over the past month but finding it really hard. Truth is I think I really nervous about being in this house on my own, very rural area. God I sound a really weak.

You'll have to act it for your ds' sake - and just rage away to us or friends in RL.

Get a dog . I bet your ds would like a dog better than his dad .

Blossom Doesn't matter that DS is his.... You can organise third party handovers if need be so that DS sees his Dad. At the end of the day, you need balance his feelings with the chaos he causes to your everyday lives.........

So here's a hackneyed way of putting it, maybe, but 'fear is a terrible master'...
OP, you sound as if the things that are holding you back are worries
a) about what DS might think or feel - but might not, and given the situation that you describe, would have no reason to do so if he understood the situation in it's entirety;
b) about the vicious, contentious insults that 'D'P throws at you when he's threatened by the prospect of not being able to freeload off you any longer.

From over here it looks much more as if he's being cruel than as if you are.
It also looks as if maybe you're a bit scared of your own power.

Also, it's inevitable that if you do throw him out then a part of you will feel sad, sorry, lonely, guilty. That's how these things go, you have to deal with them, and be steely about not being cowed by the sort of bitchy attackes that are inevitable from someone who's happy to live off you as a parasite.

Thanks PDP (absolutely love the name) basically you are saying I should grow a backbone, and I know you are right but I guess easier said than done. He of course behaving like nothing is wrong. I am becoming more detached but it is slow process.

You would not be cruel, its over and he has to go.

Tell him again it's over
Tell him to go by x days time. This has to be a very short period of time as he will probably ignore this anyway.

When If he doesn't leave by x date, change locks, get friend round, bag up his essential stuff, text him to collect it that evening. Change locks. If possible ask a friend to have DS. Either way, keep friend there whilst you do this to support you and/or distract DS. Don't let him in.
Tell him to collect the rest of his stuff in x days or take it to his parents/friends.

Relax and enjoy your home!