Am I doing the right thing?

[Arsinguselessfeckers]

Have NC'd for this as it's a fairly particular situation.

I have a good friend who split up with her EXP a couple of years ago, they have one child & he's never paid any support. He moved out of the area about 18 months ago for work but has recently moved back as he rarely saw their child & it was causing suffering. He managed to find a job in his field & came back so in that respect, I guess, he is a good father.

But....but, I when I knew he was coming back I told my friend he could stay with us for a bit until he found a place, which is fine, I'm perfectly happy about it, we have plenty of room. My big BUT is I can't take any money from him in good conscience knowing she has been struggling without support so have been giving his rent money to her.

What I'm struggling with is that I want to FUCKING WELL WANT SAY SOMETHING TO HIM. I feel like I'm supporting his fecklessness which doesn't sit easily with me.

It's not about the money - it's about him - the difficult thing is - he's an ostensibly nice chap.

Arse - I've got myself embroiled. What to do?

unembroil yourself my friend.

its nothing to do with you

as nice as he is - he is ostensibly nothing but a fuckhead if he wont cough up for his kid.

Woah - you are putting yourself right in the middle of their problem.
Extricate yourself at once.
Whether what you are doing is well intentioned or not, you are basically being totally dishonest.
You are also appointing yourself as someone else's moral conscience.
Never a good idea.

reverse, reverse get out of there quick. In fact get him out quick.........this will never end well!

You are giving him a roof over his head, utilities, etc. It isn't right that you are doing yourself out of money to cover what he should be paying her. It's very nice of you, and maybe you don't need the money, but I don't think your friend should be taking it off you, tbh. I know it's not about the money for you, but it isn't right.

I KNOW - I just couldn't take any money from him when I had her sobbing at my kitchen table because she's so much in arrears with her rent - I couldn't do it.

& I'm not being his moral conscience (I don't think) I said he could stay because I knew it would be great for their DC if he did come back - but I can't take his cash & see her lose her house.

Can't do it.

You're all quite right.

Maybe I should get DH to have A Serious Fucking Word with him?

You could certainly try to shame him that way.

I would get him out tbh. It's not working for you as an arrangement and you're too closely involved.

He could find a room somewhere nearby if he really wants to be around for the dc - it's not for you or his ex to make his life easy.

Is your friend eligible for housing benefit?

She's getting all she's entitled to, still only amounts to about £1100 a month all in with her salary & she's renting one of the cheapest properties around here which is about half of that.

Not so easy with the rooms near - we're very rural - not much here.

I just want to help my friend - I've gone about it in a cock-eyed way.

I want to help her TBH - I couldn't give a rat's chuff about him - it's just making me a bit angry.

After he moved in she said she wished she'd asked if she could stay for a bit - she could - I would have been more than happy - we have a massive attic with two bedrooms, a sitting room & a bathroom - maybe I should turf him out & they could do a house swap?

you are probably over-involved but what a good friend you are - I wouldn't fall out with him as that won't help anyone but I would ask him to leave, saying that it makes more sense for your friend to stay as she is struggling.

WTF? He is paying you rent, but not paying any maintenance for his child, so you are giving the rent he is paying you to her? And you are struggling with SAYING SOMETHING to him?

FWIW OP you sound like a really lovely and thoughtful friend.

I've been in your friend's situation and would have been nothing but grateful for a friend like you. If he is working, can't she invove the CSA and get him to cough up for his child?

I can see why you're angry with him. Any man who doesn't support his child is an arse.