DDs stepdad and i have split now what. please advise

[bethanysmummy01]

hi i am totally new to this site so thanks for reading.

il try to keep it short but its really a long story....

my DD is 6 years old. Her biological dad is not in the picture and never has been due to his possesive and violent nature.

When my DD was just 1 year old i met a lovely man who i began a realtionshio with. to cut the story short my DD come to know him as her step dad and he raised her with me all this time.

We lived together up untill aprox 10 months ago when he moved out. we continued our relationship as normal him often staying 5 nights per week. while my DD was upset to be told he was moving out we explained it was ok n he would still be around always n it wouldnt make much difference and in all honnesty there wasnt much difference except my rent doubled.

basically me and him have now split we both still love each other madly. he has hurt me alot as the reason we cannot be together is basically due to cultural indifferences. his not english and his parents and family will quite literally disown him if they were to find him with me an english woman with a child thats not his. please hold judgement on that note its really screwed up and a long story.

him and i are definatley over. i dont know what to do with my daughter and his relationship.

just yeasterday i approached the subject i thought first was to get her to not associate him as her stepdad any more. i basically told her that as he was no longer living with us he is not her stepdad she was confused and asked what he was then. when i told her he was her friend she got very upset. i told her nothing else had changed just his name etc he was her best friend but not her stepdad. she wouldnt accept this in the end saying no dont say that it makes me sad in here (pointing to tummy) he is my stepdad and i dont like him livving somewhere else. this was all a bit out of the blue as she had seemed to have accepted him moving out. when i reassured her i was always here and loved her she told me that her stepdad didnt love her any more as if he did he wouldnt have moved out. this has broke my heart. i have reassured her as much as poss n now she is back to her own little world of peace and tranquility.

my partner and i are over for sure and eventually ties with him and my daughter will have to stop. i dont know how to stop it now though. they havent seen each other for around 3 weeks as we split 1 week ago the week prior she was at her nans and the week prior his shifts meant he came after she was in bed, so im thinking is it worth making this the starting point. the break has already bagan so keep it up. or is this not fair and too much of a shock for her?

i know eventually im going to have to have the talk with her that we are no longer together but do i just rip him out of her world. she cannot remeber life before him. so although she refers to him as her steodad she doesnt know the difference really as to her he has always been there.

i really dont know how to best deal with this with as little upset as possible. I am still struggling with it all myself so i know my judgement may be clouded. i dont want to stop her seeing him out of spite and i dont want to let her see him as a subconscious excuse for me to see him.

has anybody been in a simialr situation and can advise? even if you havent and can offer some impartial advice i would really appreciate it as i just dont know where to go from here

thanks for reading and all comments greatfully appreciated

i think that if things are amicable between you and him and if he would still like to continue seeing your daughter then that would be the best thing to do.

as far as she is concerned he is basically a father to her isn't he? it's not fair to just take him out of her life completely.

i would have thought he would like to see her too?

hi thanks for your reply. yes you are right they would both like to see each other but there is no doubt that a relationship with them is not going to continue indefinately he will eventually leave me nad her and start a new life probably an arranged marriage or something but there isnt the scope for my daughter to have her stepdad in her life forever or even for many years so the ties do have to be cut but when and how?

i think it needs to be gradual. like i say she hasnt seen him for 3 weeks already so should i use that as a stering platform and not let her see him any more, maybe just ohone contact? i dont know i really dont. she will need closure too i just want to do whats best for her

i think it was quite quite strange for you to tell her that this man is no longer her stepfather. you realise that to her, your ex is her father? the main man in her life, the one she looks to as she would a father? can you see how it would be extremely traumatic to tell her that this man is no longer her stepfather?

is your ex not interested in seeing your DD? if he is at all, and if he is a good person, i would say you should definitely organise for them to see each other and for him to be present in her life. You decided to have this man act as her father since she was a tiny baby, so now, for her sake, you should facilitate that relationship even though you are no longer with him.

otherwise you're basically removing her father from her life and telling her he's not her father anymore, and that's that. which is quite horrible and cruel really.

if you have complicated feelings left over, either get into counselling or make the decision that you won't act on them for the sake of your daughter.

How sad for everyone involved

OP I realise why you said what you did to your DD but have you spoken to your ex about it? What are his intentions regarding your DD?
No matter how you feel about it, he could apply for a formal court order to maintain contact between them if you wanted to prevent it and he wished to continue to have a role in her life. No matter what happened between you, your DD loves him and he will be someone she remembers forever as being a part of her life. She will also remember your words about him no longer being her Dad

I was just trying to distance her before hitting her with the truth.

If he would stay in her life forever I'd let him I truly would I feel so guilty for letting him into her life only for him to leave.

The bottom line is he is turning his back on both if us completely. Eventually he wants me n her to have a life that doesn't include him and him to have a new life that doesn't include us and wash his hands completely of both of us.

I don't know how he can do that but that's what's going to happen. At the moment everything's very raw emotionally with both of us but I need to discuss with him how things need to be with my dd. if u say nothing he will happily not peruse contact though apparently he loves her to bits n it's hard for him etc if I ask him to talk with her on the phone he will if I ask him to see her I think he will but it's not forever he wants to and is making a break from me and her.

I tried to be to the point n left huge parts of the story out, but I'd never stop him seeing her no matter what but he has made it clear that eventually this is what is to happen. I know it's going to hurt her I just want to make it as least damaging as possible

I really feel for you OP and your daughter. I sometimes think I stay with my partner for the same reason (not to break my dds heart).

if he were her real dad he would almost definitely stay in contact if he wanted to. I understand the different culture thing too. Is that why you split up because he had to choose between you and his family?

I'm just trying to imagine what I would do in your situation if I had to explain things to my dd. if he is not going to see her long term maybe they need to have a final meeting to say goodbye? That sounds really heart wrenching but it may help dd realise its something final because otherwise she may constantly live in hope he will come back. Also keep making it clear the reason he has left is nothing to do with her so she doesn't worry she is to blame.

Maybe do lots and lots of mother and daughter things so she can see how things can be good just the two of you.

Is she close to her nan? Spending time with her may help and with other relatives who are going to remain permanently in her life. How are you coping do you have support from friends and relatives? I hope you do.

Hi thanks for your reply

Yeah that's the reason for the split he had to choose.

I was maybe thinking one last meet with him too but I don't know it's all still berry sudden in her little mind

The situation is awful and contact between the two if them has to end at some point

She is very close to her nan she loves her to bits so maybe that's a good idea

I don't want to tell her the reality n then quickly try n keep her busy with me n nanny etc if it just makes get surpress her emotions if you know what I mean but I don't want her to dwell on things too much either

As for me, thanks for asking I have a close family but I don't like to talk to them about this stuff I don't know why. I gave a friend who I gave told n I have the option of some private counciling I may take up

Any other opinions and advice is appreciated

Perhaps you could ask your DDs school whether there is a support/counselling service in your area for children your DDs age and seek their advice as to how to handle this?

Your DD will experience grief for the loss of her Dad - which can lead to a wide range of emotions and behaviours in a young child.
I am certain that professional support is the best possible way to help your DD through this

Thank you. I don't really want to deal with the school but I have looked up online this morning and found some free parental help lines which I'm going to try

I know nobody can tell me what's best but impartial advice that's not blighted by emotions is best

I think that she is probably old enough to have some explanation, nothing too detailed but make it clear that she has to say good bye.

FWIW DS had to say goodbye to my DSis who used to live with us but moved abroad, he was 6 at the time and is now 13 and says that he doesn't even remember her. She'll go through a grieving process but children are resilient and she has you as a stable constant in her life.

Contact is only really considered important between bio parents and children because it enables the child to know their origins, not because there is an established relationship (indeed, courts will award bio fathers contact even if they've never known the child but conversely, stepparents generally won't). I think that's because there's not much evidence that a break of this kind of relationship will cause too much damage really.

Oh this is so sad. I think the most important issue to focus on is to make sure your dd understands she is not responsible for the dad leaving. Children will blame themselves and she will think that if she was more loveable or better behaved he would still be around.

Of course we as grown ups understand why relationships fail but she is too young to understand the complexities of the situation.

My DH's son had this situation as his mum divorced the 2nd husband who had been a step father figure and there is no longer contact as the mum has blocked contact. Fortunately my DH always fought to be in his son's life so the loss of the step dad hasn't been as significant as your situation but there is still hurt and bewilderment. My stepson is a teen so can handle the situation slightly better but he did feel very rejected. We have offered counselling for him and over time he is coping much better.

Please please do let the school know -they will not be judgemental but your daughter is likely to need additional support and sensitivity.This is similar to a death and she needs some help in processing what is happening. Small things will impact her, other children making comments about their dads or fathers day and all the other children making fathers day cards.

When she is older she will still be able to understand the reasons but for now she will just be hurting.

Please do talk to the school, if her class teacher is not someone you can talk to then at least talk to the head. Because small kids of this age don't have the words to express how they fell, so often if they are worried or upset it will show itself in behaviour. It is always useful for schools to know if children (whatever age) are having big things happening to them outside of school.

My sister was in the same position as you, she split up with a sort of step father who had been around since birth at roughly your childs age. He is still in my neices life and she still calls him dad so it can work.

Oh gosh this is sad your poor little DD. I would be inclined to reduce contact gradually rather than cutting it all together. Keep emphasising that he loves her very much. Have him see her a few times leaving gradually bigger gaps. If she asks for him, phone him so she knows he is still around. Start talking about him maybe having to move away for work or something.
In a few months when he 'moves' maybe have a good bye day out but emphasise she can always ring him or write to him. Let her phone him anytime she asks and gradually I am sure she will start asking less. I would continue to call him her stepdad after all this is what he is to her even if he is not around.

hi all. i cant thank you enough for so many replies i really cant! some of them a little harsh n went through me like a bullet but hey thats what we are all here for right the truth n honnest oppinions.

with the advice taken from here, and a support line i contacted i have arranged to meet my ex on sunday/monday to discuss options. he has said its all in my hands what i wanna do but i know long term like years down the line his not planning to be in her life. his willing to cut contact or keep contact or just have phone contact whatever i decide. his also willing to sit down with her with me and explain that him and i are no longer bf and gf

basically what i want is for her to understand that me n him are not bf and gf any more but still want to be good friends and that we both love her very much. i want her to know im her mummy always no matter what n im always here n his her stepdad regardless n he still loves her. i want continual phone contact as and when they both want, and monthly visits for now

i should explain that once or twice per year he goes home for a month and she is ok with that if she talks to him on the phone, and often with his shifts there are weeks that go by where although they see each other they dont spend any time together as he may have just got into bed when she gets up for school etc so im hoping to have the meet with him in next few days n hopefully he will commit to that

what do u all think?

i think it's great that he will sit down with her and talk. he should have done that in the first place tbh, instead of just disappearing and expecting her to get on with it.

i think you dd will benefit from both of you being there, comforting her and explaining things to her in a way she understands. right now it might seem to her that you've decided things without involving her (which you have obviously she is a child. but this will still be upsetting for her), and now you won't properly explain how the future is going to look, so she feels unsure and vulnerable.

i know you want to minimise the pain your DD feels, but trying to "keep her busy" or distract her from the pain isn't going to work, this is a grieving process and it hurts like hell. trying to avoid the pain only makes it worse.

be open with your dd, ask her how she feels about what's happening, cuddle her when she cries, let her feel safe with you and with her emotions. she must never feel that you're brushing her emotions under the carpet iyswim? or dismissing her emotions, or being angry with her for her emotions (which i know isn't how you feel, but children come up with v strange explanations for adult behaviour sometimes).

yeah its true thankyou! tbh she does have a busy little life wit hschool and after school things 5 days per week and a guaranteed fri night stay at nannies and saturday is always treat day for a comic and a sweet n shopping with mummy n nanny (nans food shopping nothing excitinig)

i will be very vigilent with her feelings and emotions and try to keep things as close to norm as poss

obviously ive said how i want things to be but i have to meet with him to see if he agrees first my only concern is he wont be willing to commit for such a long period n that mentally he has detached himself already n thats that, but il have to wait n see

thanks again all

I feel for you having seen many cultural instances like this play out, and I feel for him too, as he is losing here too, choosing between a rock and a hard place.

I think you should treat it as a grief for both of you, and expect behaviour on her part, and for regression as she assimilates the change. Give it about a year. And what safe men have you to introduce her to, such as your brother or father so that she can have a man in her life who isn't going to have to go away?

she has a great relationship with her grandad my dad and her two uncles my brothers that are very constant and always part of her life she sees them all at least once per week she also has a great relationship with my best friend whos a gay guy but she calls him uncle. his literaly been there from day 1 and all those male figures will always be in her life

I've no personal experience of this, but it sounds like the suggestion for you all to sit down and talk and explain the situation in a way that your DD might understand is a good idea. Reassure her that she is loved and none of this is her fault but start getting her used to the fact that her stepdad is not going to be around anymore. It might be helpful for him to say this to her - rather than just hearing it from you.
I'm don't know what to suggest about prolonging contact when the conclusion seems to be that he intends to fully withdraw from both of you.

Well I'm sorry about the other guy then, it really is a shame isn't it, when stuff gets in the way. Hope you'll both be alright x

thanks guys il update once ive spoke to him sunday or monday

i understand cultural differences and everything, but i still think 100% this is step too far, and your xdp should man up and stop letting his parents dictate his life.

ffs there is a kid involved, that is her dad, she doesnt know any other dad.

and also what was he thinking in the first place? if he knew 5 years ago he couldnt be with you, why move in and confuse the poor child?

Oh god dont even get me started in that note! I've said all this to him but it's a brick wall

He says he can't turn his back in his family n friends! Well I read into that that he can turn his back on me n my daughter! It's hard it really is I have a lot of resentment which is probably helping me tbh in the fact that all my feelings of love and despair are over shadowed by anger n resentment

No point in me going on my feelings at this point are irrelevant my DD comes first always I regret letting him into our lives but I didn't know this would be the outcome he has been a positive influence until now but I just have to accept what is and deal with the aftermath!