Not sure what to ask - maybe you can help?

[NoNameForThesePosts]

I'm a regular but namechanged. I think I'm going to ramble so please with me. I'm not even sure what I'm asking. But maybe you can help as I genuinely am worried, I just don't know where to begin to start putting it right.

I've been struggling with this recently. I have a difficult relationship with both of my parents - I reported them to SS twice because they were hitting me and I didn't know what else to do, but both times I was told it was normal. I am in a sense very close to them as they don't really have adult friends.

My problem is, when I was in my early 20s my dad was acting in a way that bothered me. One time we'd been drinking and talking, and we were both quite drunk, and he grabbed at my dressing gown to pull it open. I just snatched it shut and went away and I have never put myself in that situation again. But I feel uneasy from it and I won't wear low tops in front of him and I don't feel comfortable hugging him, and he will tend to hug me for longer when I try to pull away. I'm now married and living with my DH, and it's been bothering me more and more and I seem to get more bothered now when I see my parents after not seeing them for a long while. I'm find I don't want to wear clothes that show anything and I don't want to think about sex, because it makes me feel uncomfortable.

I don't even know if this makes sense or if it's just normal and I am being over sensitive. I'm just finding it difficult at the moment as my parents obviously think we are all close and he has done nothing wrong. My dad is very affectionate and proud of me and I'm sure he would feel he's been really good to me.

I just don't know what to think or feel and I found this hard to write, so I'm hoping it's ok to post it and I'm sorry if it's too incoherent.

No, your father's behaviour wasn't 'normal', and it certainly wasn't acceptable.
I think your reaction to it is normal, though, and not over-sensitive in the least.
Your father crossed a boundary that shouldn't have been crossed and your feelings and confusion now sound perfectly normal for someone a few years on from the shock of that sort of assault.
It sounds as if you blanked it for several years, doing all you could to protect yourself, but not allowing yourself to feel shock and disgust at his behaviour until a long time later - when you're at a safe enough distance to do so, IYSWIM.
It might be help to talk to a counsellor (sorry if that's trite, obvious advice), but a word of warning: if you do this then please make sure it's someone who has the experience and training to deal properly with sexual abuse. It can worsen your confusion, anxiety, etc. without really being helpful if you end up talking to a counsellor who doesn't actually understand the impact of sexual assault.

Um, I don't think it is normal or that you're being over-sensitive. Your dad acted very inappropriately and I'm not surprised you feel very uncomfortable around him.

As for the hitting you - that wasn't normal either and the SS sound like they let you down there.

You may be feeling this more strongly since marrying because hopefully you're in a good functional relationship, possibly thinking about dc if you haven't already got children. It's not unusual at this stage in life to look back at what you were brought up with and realise how screwed up it was.

Have you read any of 'Stately Homes' thread? Maybe some of it strikes a chord?

I am horrified that SS treated you so badly and poorly.

That's their fault and not yours.

You don't need any excuses not to contact abusive parents... even if they are in denial.

Have you had counselling for this? If not, I would certainly recommend it.

Thank you both.

I guess I didn't mean 'normal', I mean not totally un-normal, or something.

I remember reading this Guardian article when I was 17 or so about this woman whose dad had admitted to her he was attracted to here, and it gave me the shivers, but I remember at the time it made me think it must be not that unheard of.

I think you're spot on kodachrome about how it comes up now I'm married and thinking about children of my own.

Thanks so much both for replying to my rather vague OP!

I'm sorry, I cross-posted with you suburbophobe.

I've not had counselling for this specifically, although I have had counselling for issues partly related to my parents. I've never mentioned the stuff with my dad before and I'm only just working out how to even mention it, if that makes sense.

I am well aware SS got it wrong - I am not trying to bash them, I'm sure they very often get it right, but in my case they really messed up. I do see that and it does help to have someone say it too. Thanks.

Sorry if I'm barking up the wrong tree OP, but I'm wondering if the dressing gown incident made you realise that your father's behaviour had always been inappropriate on some level? What I mean is, did he behave in a overly sexual way towards you before the incident?

Have you sought counselling? It sounds like you need professional help with this.

Did Social Services do a visit to evaluate what was going on?

Cailin - I don't think so, but I think it upset me.

porto - sorry, I wasn't very clear - SS visited when I was a younger teen because I reported them for hitting me. They did come to our house and see us, but decided it wasn't a risk and I was overreacting. FWIW this is very much the version of events my parents and brothers believe. I really don't. I mentioned it because there's always been a difficult dynamic there, if that makes snse.

SS came to evaluate us when I was a teenager over a guardianship issue. They were crap. I imagine things are slightly more full on now. I do think you need to discuss this with someone professionally though.

You're probably right, I just don't have the first idea how or even what it is I'd be discussing. I only ended up posting after reading something else on MN.

I don't want to get into whether or not SS were crap, it's a side issue.

If I got counselling, how do you do that? Do I got to a GP or what? And how do I know I've got a good one?

I don't even know how to say any of this to DH.

I'd go privately, personally- IME NHS counselling is designed as a short sharp burst, and all very solution-focussed because that's what the managers like. You would probably end up with someone getting you to focus on what to wear around him etc, what contact to have. Which of that is what you want is fine, but I get the feeling that you want to go over things from a long time ago, and you need the right sort of therapy for that. Are there any women's groups in the community which offer counselling near you? There's one near me, and it is free for those on low incomes. I'd have a google if I were you, and go on the BACP's website to get a feel for the different approaches. I hope that is helpful.

I don't know BOF, but I will google - I'd google women's groups and counselling I assume?

Thanks very much for the post.

Yes, I'd google women's counselling xxxxshire, and see if there's a links page. There should be. Good luck.

You could look up www.bacp.co.uk (British Association of Counsellors and Psychotherapists). This way you should be able to get some detail on practitioners' experience and expertise.
It will be more expensive that seeing a counsellor through your GP. I'd still recommend it, even if you have less sessions that the 8 or so you'd be likely to get from the NHS.
You could also consider group therapy. It's less expensive than one to one sessions.

I would get into this as soon as you feel able. By that I mean, no your father's behaviour was not normal at all and I am not surprised that you feel odd about sex, so I'd start with discussing your dad's behaviour fully and its impact on you, and then its impact on your sex life. Make sure you get a good counsellor though.

Thanks very much, all.

I really appreciate it - was able to show DH the thread last night which was great progress (obviously not something I found easy to talk about but written down with people saying it was a problem, that was easier).

Thanks very much.

((((hugs))))