Please or to access all these features

Add post

Watch this thread

Save thread

Start a new thread

Flip thread

Hide thread

My feed

Active Unanswered threads

Getting started FAQ's

Unanswered threads Acronyms Talk guidelines

Hide shortcut buttons

Talk

Relationships

Mumsnet has not checked the qualifications of anyone posting here. If you need help urgently or expert advice, please see our domestic violence webguide and/or relationships webguide. Many Mumsnetters experiencing domestic abuse have found this thread helpful: Listen up, everybody

Flip

1 2

Original poster

omg... separated h has said he wants us to start over...!

29 replies

winnie · 26/01/2006 20:51

... & I can't tell any of my friends because they will all think I am crazy to even consider it!

And I feel crazy for even considering it!

oh bloody hell...

OP posts:

bumpybel · 26/01/2006 20:52

How long were you together? What do you feel about him and how long have you been separated?

overdraft · 26/01/2006 20:53

don't know much about you.Why did it end?

mazzystar · 26/01/2006 20:57

Do you still love him?

Original poster

winnie · 26/01/2006 21:05

he ended our relationship.
It ended because we were going around and around in circles.
Yes, I do still love him
We've been separated properly for 3 months although we've lived apart for 9 months.

OP posts:

bumpybel · 26/01/2006 21:09

If you still love him and you think it might work, I dont think you're mad to reconsider it. Has anything changed since you split up that would stop you repeating history?

Original poster

winnie · 26/01/2006 21:12

bumpybel, I do still love him and I think it might work but ... and it is a big but... I am scared of dragging the children through it all again AND quite frankly I am scared sh*tless of being hurt again.

OP posts:

mazzystar · 26/01/2006 21:13

going round and round in circles?

Freckle · 26/01/2006 21:14

I think you need to address the original problems which caused the split. Has anything changed there? If not, then I suspect that love might be blinding you to the problems in getting back together, especially if there are children involved. If things have changed, I would suggest proceeding cautiously at first.

Why has he suddenly proposed this reconciliation? Was there anyone else involved in the split? Could it be that they have split up and he can't cope by himself?

If no one else was involved, you need to find out why he thinks you might make the relationship succeed now.

Original poster

winnie · 26/01/2006 21:21

No there was no one else involved.

OP posts:

benbenandme · 26/01/2006 21:24

Am so happy for you to be given this chance, even if you decide not to pursue it !! For me, this would be the best news I could ever have, and while I too would have friends and family telling me I was nuts, I would do anything for the opportunity to put my family back together
Good luck, whatever you decide to do, and keep us updated !!!

Original poster

winnie · 26/01/2006 21:31

benbenandme, thats an interesting point!

OP posts:

bumpybel · 26/01/2006 21:42

If you said no to him now, would you be forever wondering 'what if'? Would be able to ask your children what they think?

Original poster

winnie · 26/01/2006 21:47

freckle, you are definitely right. we'd absolutely need to address the reasons behind why we split up.

OP posts:

nooka · 26/01/2006 22:39

I agree with benbenandme. I separated from my dh about 3mths ago, and I would love him to say he wanted to come back. Rationally I think it would need to be with counseling, so that we didn't do the same thing again, and make our relationship worse. Do you feel that you would need to learn to relate to each other again? I think that is where I am at and I am sure this is by dh's concern - the other day he said that he thought I would throw him out within two weeks if he came back (despite the fact that I didn't throw him out in the first place). Also have you found that you have got on better apart than before you split - I would wonder if how things are now was in fact the best way for things to be, despite knowing that it isn't how I want things to be. Good luck with your decision.

Beetroot · 26/01/2006 22:49

sykes (a mumsneter) split wi th her dh for a while and he was with another woman. He ecided to come back and she siad that if he was serious he had to live alone for 6 months and seek therapy. Then they started dating and now they are happy happy.

Perhpas if it is what you want then get him to live alone for a while adn make sure it is what he wants then take it slowly

Marina · 26/01/2006 23:13

beety I never realised Sykes and her dh were dating again and working things out, that's great news
winnie, I think if you can get your man to open up as to what triggered his leaving, then in your position I'd go for it myself. I remember you posting so warmly about what a great sd he was to your dd and how well you all got on. I was so sad and shocked when he left you.
I have been wondering how you all were in any case.
Best of luck whatever you decide. I am one of life's optimists and if the man I loved wanted to come back, and it wasn't an affair that caused the rift, my instinct would be to consider the matter seriously.

LeahE · 27/01/2006 00:15

You could date without letting the children know, if you're unsure - no need to get their hopes up at this stage.

Original poster

winnie · 27/01/2006 08:20

You are all being so positive and I feel like a teenager with butterflies etc; I feel excited and terrified at the same time. I do agree that if my fear of being hurt again stops me I may spend my life wondering 'what if?' I do still love him and miss him and what we once had but I also have begun to make a life for myself again.

I also agree that we'd have to protect the children as much as is possible and not get their hopes up.

OP posts:

fairyjay · 27/01/2006 08:25

Maybe dates together on the quiet, and family times with the children - as Mum and Dad rather than as a couple - might remind you of why you love him - and why things went wrong!

I agree with you, that any negative impact on the children must be first consideration.

batters · 27/01/2006 08:26

This reply has been deleted

Message withdrawn at poster's request.

ggglimpopo · 27/01/2006 08:29

Message withdrawn

Beetroot · 27/01/2006 08:30

Yes It is goodnews isn't it Marina. Apparently they are very happy.

She was very clear that the kids should not be involved for 6 months I think it was. Very slowly they started to take the kids out for family days. She just wanted to make sure her dh was totlly clear that this was what he wanted. She did not want to put herself or her kids through this ever again. Especially as they were jsut beginning to mend and she (iirc) was having a ball

Beetroot · 27/01/2006 08:31

Sykes was of the opinion that if you want me you will wait for 6 months.

In those 6 months they dated occasionally i think but that was it.

tribpot · 27/01/2006 08:31

Some friends of mine got back together last summer after a separation (no kids involved) and I could see it was doomed because they absolutely refused to address any of the reasons why they'd separated in the first place. Sure enough they separated again and I actually think right now the barrier to them getting back together for a third time is partly the bloke knowing they would have to have counselling to make it work and being too afraid to do it.

I'd agree with the others, though, if you think you can address what caused the split, then absolutely go for it. If I were you I would want to be as completely certain as I could be that it was going to last before your h moves back in, for the sake of the kids.

Original poster

winnie · 27/01/2006 13:33

ggglimpopo, you are so right; I am extremely vulnerable right now & I do need to look out for me also. I certainly know we need to address the problems and take it very, very slowly if I decide to take a chance...

Thanks everyone for your thoughts.

OP posts:

Flip

1 2