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Relationships

Mumsnet has not checked the qualifications of anyone posting here. If you need help urgently or expert advice, please see our domestic violence webguide and/or relationships webguide. Many Mumsnetters experiencing domestic abuse have found this thread helpful: Listen up, everybody

Is my friend's DP having an affair?

5 replies

ivanapoo · 22/02/2012 15:21

I know it's not my business but I'm not sure how to advise my friend and having seen the helpful advice doled out on here I thought someone might give me some tips.

Friend & her DP live together. It's her first long term relationship.

Last year they had a chat about where their relationship is going; he wouldn't guarantee that he wants kids with her in the future. He says maybe in 2 years. He has a child from a previous short relationship (unplanned).

Recently his relative became ill so he's been away nearly every weekend either seeing her or his son.

My friend says when he is around he goes out more and later, snaps at her, and has become v attached to his phone. He even takes it into the shower with him. He's not demonstrative at the best of times but currently shows her little affection.

She put his behaviour down to stress; eventually asked if there was someone else, but he denied it.

Does this sound like possible / probable affair behaviour?

Wondering if I should try to persuade her to find out if he is up to something, because if he is I'd want her to find out now rather than waste another second on him.

OP posts:
feedbackforfree · 22/02/2012 15:27

Ivanapoo - what do you think?

ivanapoo · 22/02/2012 15:43

He doesn't seem like the sort (god that sounds unbelievably naive doesn't it)... The phone thing is weird but tbh I sometimes take my phone to the loo because I read MN while I'm weeing

I think she needs to find out for certain as she doesn't seem happy but how can she, without resorting to stealing his phone/ stalking him?

Maybe I should just keep out of it but I want to minimise any trauma she may go through.

OP posts:
kodachrome · 22/02/2012 16:06

It doesn't sound like a happy relationship. And the thing about him saying maybe in a couple of years he might want kids with her - sounds like he's just getting her to hang around for 2 years and then he'll blow her off to me. Not that I think they should rush into having kids, but saying he can't guarantee he'll want kids with her - it doesn't sound good to me.

His new behaviour does sound like possible affair time.

I think you should encourage her to see that there doesn't need to be a big reason like infidelity to split with a jerk - him just being a cold, bad-tempered, unresponsive jerk is a good enough reason to dump his arse. If it isn't working, better to cut your losses than pour good years after bad.

ivanapoo · 22/02/2012 16:30

Hmm, thanks Koda. Good point. When they both make an effort I think things are good between them.

But on the other hand I know what she's like. She's not a quitter - as in she won't want the relationship to fail - and this can be dangerous when it comes to staying with partners...

I'm not sure if the relationship is bad enough for her to want to split...

Clearly I can't get involved in that though so I will just try to be supportive and keep her talking.

OP posts:
PurplePidjin · 22/02/2012 16:36

If she's unhappy and can't trust him, is the relationship worth pursuing?

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