Feeling isolated - need some friendship advice please!

[LiteraryMermaid]

First post here, so please be gentle! Basically I think I just need some feedback on whether I'm being angsty and self-absorbed, or whether there's something I can actually do to improve how I feel.

Here goes...In a nutshell, I'm feeling very lonely, and have a vague sense that my life is dull and insular compared to other people's. I'm naturally pretty quiet and introverted - I definitely need 'alone time' - but through years of meeting people at school/university/work I have developed ways of hiding my shyness and being more sociable. However, I just don't seem to 'pick up' a network of friends in the way that other people do. I have a small circle of friends who I've known since school and who live locally, and a few far-flung friends from uni, who I still see occasionally but have limited contact with because of distance. Part of the issue is that I don't have kids yet, but all of my school friends do have young children, and have unfortunately become the type of mothers who struggle to show interest in anything other than their children. We've had many awkward evenings in the pub where they've shown up, talked continuously about breastfeeding/toilet training/school admissions (apparently I'm an authority because I'm a teacher) and then headed off home at 9pm because they don't trust their partners to babysit properly, without even asking how I am. While I still enjoy their company, in may ways we now seem to have little in common.

At the same time, I've also left my job to study towards an Master's degree, and now work part-time in lots of different schools, which means I no longer have regular work colleagues. I had hoped to meet some new friends on the course, but since it's part-time, many of the other students are combining it with full-time jobs, so have little time left over for socialising. I increasingly find myself spending my 'study time' at home at former schools and uni acquaintances' Facebook pages and becoming jealous of their wide circle of friends and big families. I went to a very high-achieving school and university, which means that I'm constantly comparing myself with my high-flying, vivacious peers - which is obviously not healthy.

In many ways I realise I'm really lucky; I have a supportive partner, a loving family and a comfortable house. However, both my own family and my partner's are very small and insular (one sibling each; no network of aunts/uncles/cousins etc), plus my partner also has very few friends, so there's no extended friendship network there either. I want to meet new people, but have no idea how to go about doing this, short of getting pregnant and meeting a network of other mums, which is simply not an option at the moment! And if I did have kids, I'd be worried that they'd have too few people around them, and would end up finding it difficult to socialise like me (and my partner). I'm only 30 and live in London, so there's a constant nagging sense that I'm pathetic, and shouldn't be feeling so isolated.

Apologies for the essay; I realise it sounds like navel-gazing, but I just feel really defeatist about this! So how do you make, and then keep, new friends? Any advice would be greatly appreciated!

What sort of things to do enjoy doing in your leisure time? Is there any hobby or interest you can capitalise on to make new friends? Something like a running or cycling club?

Hmm, I've tried joining clubs in the past, but am obviously choosing the wrong ones as everyone else there is generally about 30 years older than me! I'm not really sporty - I do go to a gym, but that's about it. Am quite interested in photography, so I guess that might be an option (albeit quite expensive - I've looked into it!). Love reading, and would love to be in a book group, but all the local ones seem to attract older people. Otherwise all my ambitions/leisure pursuits are quite solitary - learning the piano, horse-riding etc. I think part of the problem is that I'm quite arty/'quirky' and the people I tend to come across aren't really. Am in the depths of suburbia, so thinking I might have to go into central London to meet younger people?

indeed, do while you still have the freedom to do so before kids. Bound to be likeminded book gorups in cnetral london, have a google - or have a look at school of life (Alain de Boton's thing) or art courses at the NG etc etc, evening photography/language courses- Citylit?

as for your friends with kids, sure it's not intentional that they talk about such kiddy things/leave at 9pm but believe me,they're just knackered/kid-focussed, not avoiding you! This really does happen to us all.. If/when you do have kids, don't worry, it's easy to meet people, harder to meet likeminded ones but that matters less for a while, helps just ot be with people who are at same lifestage esp in baby phase. Things will evolve for you but you have to be proactive, it's not going to come to you.

Just wanted to add, if you do enroll for any courses, try to make them evening ones - from experience, you're far more likely to meet younger people at evening classes than at daytime adult education courses.

Are you actually underneath it all, happy with your life? A lot of your dissatisfaction seems to arise from comparing yourself and your life with others and from seemingly thnking that there is a "correct"way to live. There isn't!

Why compare yourself with others? Other people should not be a benchmark for how you want to live. Social network sites are also not at all a good indicator for others' condition - no one is going to post that they feel friendless, unsuccessful, not getting on with their family etc.

That said, I do hear you about feeling lonely, it is tough feeling lonely. However it's not all bad, you say you have a few local friends who are an obvious choice for spending time with. I have a friend who goes to a book group in the London burbs and it sounds quite youthful and fun so they do exist. I belong to a fab book group in central London with age range from 20s to late 40s. I am fairly solitary and not very outgoing but Ive relaxed into the group nicely over a year. I found my group through Www.meetup.com, which is a good resource for finding all kinds of groups.

Hmm sorry I think my message sounds a bit harsh, it's not meant to at all. I think you're being quite hard on yourself, you are doing and achieving a lot at the moment, it's impressive! Just seems you want to build up more friendships.

That link should be www.meetup.com

I also think you're being tough in yourself, but I know where you're coming from. I have had times in my life when I felt the same, particularly in my late 20's and 30's. I had also felt that I had grown away from most of my school friends, and had moved away for work, so was trying to establish a new network. Work was and is still full of much older colleagues, who I just couldn't socialise with.

I tried everything going. Gym, circuits, classes, evening classes... I even went windsurfing!

To be absolutely honest, it did change when I had children, and this was partly because I was suddenly thrown into a world of toddler groups and schools, but also because I actually had less time, so ever second counted.

I do look back now and think that I did actually have a good time in my late 20's, I just didn't realise it!

I think you just need to throw yourself into as much as possible, and don't worry too much about your friends.

Oh, and one other thing I have finally accepted, is that I am actually not the sort of person who will have a group of close knit best friends as I am too independent. It would drive me mad to live round other people's houses, share every holiday, only do something if your friends are etc. These days, I have a good circle of friends, but still have a lot of independence, which just suits me better.

Try volunteering. I have volunteered with the British Red Cross and Girlguiding UK. It's a great way to meet new people and you instantly have something in common.