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Relationships

Mumsnet has not checked the qualifications of anyone posting here. If you need help urgently or expert advice, please see our domestic violence webguide and/or relationships webguide. Many Mumsnetters experiencing domestic abuse have found this thread helpful: Listen up, everybody

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Original poster

WWYD? Help please..

25 replies

NotYouMe · 22/02/2012 13:49

Have name changed for this post as I feel it could out me. Not that it matters really other than to my pride, but I don?t want those that think they know, knowing more than they should from my posting history

OH had affair 6 months ago, with a friend and neighbour (which you helped me through) and we are working things out. We live in a very rural spot and my youngest child is signed to go to the nursery where her sister works. All the staff were very pleasant and used to wave and say hellos etc if we saw each other out, however that has all stopped, to the extent of them blanking me (and eldest child, 6 , who was very upset as to why his old teacher never spoke when he said hello). Her sister and I drive past each other every morning and a few weeks ago I am 99.9% certain she mouthed "whore" at me!
Now, I am aware that the OW blames me for her marriage crisis as I went to her house with the evidence of the affair to show her husband. She talked herself out of this and told him I was a jealous paranoid wife. At this time I asked my H to leave which he did. I went to a solicitor and found out about divorce. I decided I would go the name and shame route, although it means nothing to anyone else and no-one gets to see it, I decided it meant a lot to me so I wrote to her telling her why I was doing it and asked her not to contest it when she received her papers. I also wrote what I thought about her and what she had done with my H (in some detail). And that she could have him as I no longer wanted him etc etc. Unfortunately for her she wasn't in that day and her H opened the post. Hence her current marriage crisis and me being the cause of it.
My problem? do I let my child go to that nursery (- which my eldest loved!!) Or do I try and find another place elsewhere. I have to let them know by tomorrow if we are accepting our spot. I just don't know what to do, I don't know if I can face her sister everyday (and why did these women start blanking me after the affair came out - siding with her obviously) they appear to be quite close as she is always visiting so I can only imagine the conversations if my son does go there. RL friends say I should hold my head up high and let him go but I'm worried, I don't think I'm that strong... why can't I get her out of my life!

Help..what would you do?? (I'm posting and running but I will check back when I can, @ work)

OP posts:

Anniegetyourgun · 22/02/2012 13:54

I don't have experience of this (thank heavens) but on a trivial note, if the OW thinks that "whore" is an appropriate insult for the wife of the man she was committing adultery with, her English is as poor as her morals.

Seriously, sympathy, and I hope you get some sensible replies shortly.

One thing that does occur to me is that the nursery staff may have heard a very twisted side of events. However if they're blanking a six year old child because of it, you have to question whether that's a good place to be sending your DC.

PurplePidjin · 22/02/2012 13:55

So, your husband had an affair with another man's wife. You told the husband, and splashed the news around the village. And you now want the village to be on your side???

AKissIsNotAContract · 22/02/2012 13:56

Sorry your post is confusing me. Why did you send OW your divorce papers? Do you think she told her sister a lie and that is why she called you a whore?

kodachrome · 22/02/2012 13:59

Practically speaking, if you're in a small rural community, you have to face it down, imo. Especially if it's feeder nursery for the local school, if it is?

You have nothing to be ashamed of and you have to act like you don't. Otherwise this gossip and shit-stirring will continue and if you run away from it, you'll find it curtailing other parts of your social life and where you feel you can get involved in the community. If the nursery nurses etc have to see you everyday, they will have to start being civil and see you're not whatever these sisters are saying you are.

I know it won't be easy, but I think you have to brazen it out. Your oh had better be supporting you.

Original poster

NotYouMe · 22/02/2012 14:04

Quick pop back...

Thanks Annie, I have thought exactly the same believe me. My imagination has run riot, however, I have to keep perspective, this is a professional nursery, it has an outstanding ofsted report, I don't think they would jeopardise that.

But I do worry how they will treat my little boy

OP posts:

Omgomgomgomg · 22/02/2012 14:07

This reply has been deleted

Message withdrawn at poster's request.

kodachrome · 22/02/2012 14:09

Yep, small rural communities can be nightmares.

izzyizin · 22/02/2012 14:09

As far as I'm aware, there's no law that prohibits a wronged spouse from outing an adulterer - or adulteress, Pidgin.

Is this the nearest nursery to your home? If you send your ds elsewhere, will it involve a significantly longer journey?

Regardless of what the staff may or may not know of your marital problems I would expect them to behave in a professional manner and, to this end, I would suggest that you meet with the Head/Manager of the nursery to seek assurance that you will not be met with hostility in your dealings with staff and that your ds will not be scapegoated because of any undue prejudice against you.

bumpybecky · 22/02/2012 14:11

I think if I was feeling really brave I'd make an appointment to see the head of the nursery and discuss my concerns. Might be worth a go?

I also think it's very unlikely that I'd be that brave, but that's just me!

good luck whatever you decide

oldwomaninashoe · 22/02/2012 14:12

You need to brazen it out, and just carry on as normal tbh, it will be a five minute wonder and soon they will find something else to gossip about. The sister might never be pleasant to you and continue to ignore you but the others will probably give up on their attitude, after all if they don't they are not being very professional.

As an aside OW's husband couldn't have trusted her much if he was opening her post!

TooEasilyTempted · 22/02/2012 14:20

I wouldn't send my child to that nursery.

Yes the staff should treat your child the same as they'd treat any other child. However one particular teacher has already proved that's not going to happen, by blanking your 6 year old... WTF???

No it shouldn't matter what has gone on between you, your DH, the OW and her sister.

But I wouldn't take a chance on what should and shouldn't happen, happening. Not with my child involved.

Original poster

NotYouMe · 22/02/2012 14:29

*So, your husband had an affair with another man's wife. You told the husband, and splashed the news around the village. And you now want the village to be on your side???
OMG This is exactly why I know I'm not strong enough to do this. What a horrid answer....Tell me where I've said I've splashed the news around the village?? The only person I've told is her H who I believe had a right to know as much as I did, and my parents. I'm too ashamed to tell anyone else. I don't think anyone outside of her circle knows...and if they do its certainly not from me. 6 months I've put up with this shit, and all from her and her cronies.

On a side note, I would kiss my H off to work, OW went to the pub with her H, I found a text from her hoping he'd get drunk, so she could point him home and then shag my H on the fucking village green, so yes a little on my side I would like to think. Obviously not if they are all like you. Breathe....But that wasn't my question...

Thanks to everyone else, I'll come back and read properly soon.

OP posts:

izzyizin · 22/02/2012 14:41

Take no notice of the Purple one, honey. They've obviously got a personal axe to grind - possibly based on a past life regression where they found themselves in the village stocks a or on the ducking stool, or a more recent occurrence

You've got nothing whatsoever to be ashamed of and I suggest you act on your RL friends' advice to hold your head high - and keep it up when you march walk into that nursery and demand request an assurance that the staff are capable of acting as the professionals they are alleged to be and show a copy of that text to the headteacher/manager.

PurplePidjin · 22/02/2012 14:43

That was the impression given in your opinion, I clearly misunderstood. The OWNER has obviously made sure that all "information" known in the village is favorable to her.

Is there a particularly gossip person you could ahem confide your side of the story to? Lay it on thick about how upset you are about someone you thought was a friend etc, then watch the gossip whisper it round for you?

Evil but effective

PurplePidjin · 22/02/2012 14:44

Ffs, brand new autocorrect! OWNER should read O W!

izzyizin · 22/02/2012 14:44

If I were you, I'd organise a stall at the next village fete - instead of Aunt Sally, fun-seeking fete goers can attempt to 'knock the head off the Adulteress'

PurplePidjin · 22/02/2012 14:46

Wet sponges or custard pies, izzy??

izzyizin · 22/02/2012 14:48

Hallelujah, it's a miracle - you've seen the light Pidgin.

Are you up for a ride round the OP's village in a van with a loudhailer or shall we just distribute leaflets in the dead of night?

forward · 22/02/2012 14:50

You're absolutely right OP, purple is being outrageous, but the story the sister and her colleagues have heard is probably that you made it all up.

I don't think I could send my DS there or continue to live in the village TBH. Very sad for you, but I can't see a way for you to recover if you're dealing with this everyday.

Oldwoman, in this house post is considered "ours" I wouldn't open a personal looking letter eg birthday card addressed to DH, but if it was official looking, I'd assume it related to "our" business and open it. That's because there's loads of trust, not none.

izzyizin · 22/02/2012 14:50

As I have a fondness for target shooting, I had Uzis rifles in mind, Pidgin

Original poster

NotYouMe · 22/02/2012 14:55

I don't want it around the village. In fact I just want it all to go away. I just can't seem to escape from it.
I wish I hadn't started this thread now, but pidjin your post has made me realise that I am in no way strong enough to deal with it on a daily basis. Bad enough passing OW each day without packing my son of to her sisters care.

Decission made. Thanks to everyone who replied.

izzy If I were you, I'd organise a stall at the next village fete - instead of Aunt Sally, fun-seeking fete goers can attempt to 'knock the head off the Adulteress'. I so wish I had to guts to do this - thanks for making me LOL.

OP posts:

PurplePidjin · 22/02/2012 14:56

To me the opportunity sounded like she'd spread it. I commented as I read. Now, it's been clarified and I was wrong.

Paintball, filled with permanent ink and some kind of smell that lingers for weeks. Killing her would be too painless, we want maximum humiliation

PurplePidjin · 22/02/2012 14:57

Opportunity means o p btw...

Original poster

NotYouMe · 22/02/2012 14:57

shall we just distribute leaflets in the dead of night? this did cross my mind in the early days

OP posts:

izzyizin · 22/02/2012 15:19

No need to , honey - in times of trouble and strife, fantasies are GOOD for us and can bring us a lot of comfort.

You're certainly strong enough to deal with this on a daily, weekly, or monthly basis - jeez, you've already been dealing with it for 6 months, haven't you?

If necessary, get your dh to step up to the plate re the nursery. I see no reason why he shouldn't be the one to talk to the head/manager or, at the very least, accompany you when you seek assurance that you and your ds will be treated exactly the same as any other parent or pupil.

Incidentally, it occurs to me that the OW may have put it about that you made advances to her hubby - and this theory would certainly account for the blanking you've experienced.

In any event, one way or another, it's time to set the record straight and if that means that you'll be required to endure a few pitying looks, so be it because they'll be an indication that you've won the war for hearts and minds and the 'ho' word will be reserved for her.

As for the stall at the next fete; keep it titled 'knock the head off Aunt Sally' and make sure that Aunty bears more than a passing resemblance to the OW

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