How did I get this so wrong?

[forward]

Not sure if this really belongs here, but was the best fit I could find.

I worked for a company for 20+ years. Early on I worked as assistant to a man 10 years older than me who was just starting to become a high flyer. We worked well together, got on at work and had a very high regard for each other professionally, but there was never any hint of anything else. He outwardly appeared v confident (as high flyers do) and was often resented by his peers and other employees, but I always found him to be honest, straightforward and very uncertain of himself. We worked together 1 2 1 for about 5 years and I felt I knew him well (and him me). We talked about home and family, like you do, but I never met them, we weren't that close iyswim.

Over the years, we moved in separate directions, but from time to time our paths would cross and he twice employed me (within the same company) in positions that were good promotions for me. He became very senior indeed and there started to be rumours that some of his business dealings weren't quite straight and also of womanising. I always refused to believe any of it. The man I knew was completely honest and adored his wife and DC and that's what I told anyone who mentioned it in front of me.

Last year he left the organisation abruptly, apparently to take a too good to refuse offer elsewhere. Again eyebrows were raised about his reasons for going after 30ish years, I just felt pleased for him and that he deserved it, he'd done more than his bit for this company.

Anyway, this week he's been arrested for money-laundering after an internal inquiry that seems to leave no doubt that he's guilty as sin. (Obv not until proven, but still)

I am so upset by it. He talked to me about how he felt when others were unkind, about his health concerns and concern for his DC's development. When I wasn't working for him, he would occasionally call me for advice. I really thought he was one of the good guys and I feel so let down to have got it so wrong. Because of the way my career was very much linked to his, people are starting to wonder about me too, which is distressing. It's making me question my judgement about everyone I know.

YOu never know everything there is to know about a person, not even a partner/husband/brother sister.

No person gives away the part of themselves that others would consider less than honest.

Dont be too hard on yourself you stuck up for the persona he put on for you nothing more nothing less.

Even if he is a fraud and a womaniser, he still might think of himself as a good guy, loving dh and family man.

Maybe he was very good at rationalising and compartmentalising? The latter might mean he wouldn't even think about the contradictions in his own behaviour and could be very convincing. If he wasn't even acknowledging to himself the dissonance, there's little chance people close to him would realise. It might be easier to spot from a distance.

Thant makes sense Koda, thank you, but it does make me wonder what I don't know about others close to me.

And if he is a womaniser why he never once tried it on with me

The maxim is 'innocent until proven guilty'; your ex-colleague may have
been arrested but has he been charged? Even if he's been remanded for trial, a guilty verdict is not a foregone conclusion no matter what others may believe.

Your good opinion of him is based on aspects of his personality that you like and admire and which remain valid regardless of whether he has engaged in nefarious activities.

As you'll inevitably encounter simple minded folk who believe in guilt by association or that there's no smoke without fire, you're best advised to keep your own counsel in this matter otherwise they'll rush to convict you on the basis that you're protesting your innocence too much

This may be one of those occasions where you'll find out who your friends are - as will your ex-colleague. I hope you'll continue to be his pal as he no doubt needs all the friends he can get at the present time.

Of course that's the maxim izzy, but I've seen the evidence from the internal investigation As for him still having the aspects of personality that I liked, I'm not sure he does. I liked the fact that he was able to be a high achiever whilst treating people well and apparently did it for the love of it rather than financial gain. That he was successful with a conscience.

I haven't heard from him since he left the company and didn't expect to, we were very much respected colleagues, not friends, so I doubt he's waiting for my support

People lie

Hold the front page !

Even people that you thought were honest

I think what has happened has rocked your confidence in your own judgment, it is something that happens to all of us from time to time. Give it time, you will get over it.

This struck a chord with me.

Several years ago, someone I knew, liked and trusted was charged with fraud in a way that could easily have implicated me - in fact I was questioned by the police and that was the first I heard that this person was under investigation. I was shocked and angry, but took police advice not to contact the person until the legal and criminal proceedings were finished.

I was called as a witness to the trial but never actually gave evidence as the person concerned changed their plea to guilty at the last moment.

I felt hurt and let down, and yes, I wondered how my judgment could have been so awry, but this person deceived many people.

As I was at the court expecting to be called as a witness, I obviously saw this person in the dock, and they saw me in the public areas of the court during a break. I really, really stared at them but they did not meet my gaze.

Anyway, the result was a hefty fine and a suspended sentence.

I felt I needed 'closure' because this colleague never contacted me to apologise or explain or to acknowledge the horrible experience I had been caused, so I wrote a letter. I was not accusatory, I just explained how the whole thing had made me feel and said I needed to let them know. I also said I was glad they had not gone to prison, and that their life would now move on.

I got a nasty, bitter, self-pitying letter back. Funnily enough, that helped, because I now knew for sure this person had a really unpleasant side, and I just put the whole experience behind me. I had spoken up and let them know that they had been hurtful, and they clearly didn't care....so that was that!

It has stayed with me, though, and I do occasionally think of it - it changed me, I think.

We never know other people fully.