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Mumsnet has not checked the qualifications of anyone posting here. If you need help urgently or expert advice, please see our domestic violence webguide and/or relationships webguide. Many Mumsnetters experiencing domestic abuse have found this thread helpful: Listen up, everybody

Original poster

Sleeping around but why?

26 replies

notsurewhyohwhy · 21/02/2012 23:36

I have come to get advice and i'm hoping not to get judged as i do that enough myself.

I broke up with dc father around 1 and a half years ago, since then i have been sleeping around alot. It works out on average nearly 1 new guy per month. Also during this time there has been one guy i see often.

I feel really bad after it happens so then wonder why on earth do i keep repeating this behaviour. Does anyone else have any experience of this? And any idea why i might be doing this? I'm really trying to understand why i'm doing this so I can stop but I'm not really getting anywhere.

Before I met my dc's dad I had only slept with 3people, we had a rocky relationship, he cheated alot and we broke up a few times. During these times I had slept with a few other people. when our relationship finally ended I had slept with 7 people in my whole life.

Now less then a year and a half later i have slept with 19 people in total. Its a massive jump compared to all of my previous behaviour. I'm worried that its getting out of control. Its not just the amount of people but the fact that most of these guys i dont actually fancy and thats the real problem.

Anyway sorry its so long, I am a regular but have name chaged as i am embarressed. Sad

OP posts:
ThePinkPussycat · 21/02/2012 23:39

A form of self-humiliation? Is drink involved?

Pickgo · 21/02/2012 23:41

How do you feel when you are with these men? What feeling do you get that you like from it? (At the time - not afterwards when the bad feelings kick in)

hisgentletouch · 21/02/2012 23:42

how does it happen OP, do you seek them out or they make a move? maybe you need (and see it) as ego boost after the break up? Or is it to do with getting drunk and sort of deliberately losing control?

oikopolis · 21/02/2012 23:46

don't be embarrassed OP, there are worse things in the world than sleeping around you know!

it's ok for you to want to stop doing this, everyone's entitled to setting their own boundaries for what they want in life, but don't be embarrassed. you'll get to the bottom of this and things will start to feel better.

personally i went through a promiscuous period when i was dealing with past abuse. it was a way of trying to gain control over the men that i met (exercising power, enjoying men "wanting" me, having the power to reject them, etc), but also a way for me to "rehearse" the bad feelings that the abuse had planted into me, if that makes sense. sort of like if i returned to the feelings of shame over and over again, eventually i would understand and master them.

not sure if that helps, but that's my experience. can you identify with that at all? or do you think what's bothering you lies in a different direction?

Original poster
notsurewhyohwhy · 21/02/2012 23:51

yes it is when i am drunk, it happens with guys that approach me, they are mostly guys that i dont fancy but I think are nice to chat to or friendly. and i am fine being friendly until i get to a certain point then its like i flip a switch and start being out of control.

Often i seem to not remember what happened and black out.

also the most recent guy i slept was being really nice to me, came to my house, seemed like he didnt expect sex but actually liked me and wanted to get to know me. but i then initiated sex, and then didnt want to know him after Sad

OP posts:
hisgentletouch · 21/02/2012 23:56

but when you start feeling out of control, do you enjoy the sex/feel turned on to start with?
what would happen if you didn't go out and meet guys for a while, would you miss it? is it just a way of not facing your life, i.e. avoiding being on your own, drinking?

Original poster
notsurewhyohwhy · 21/02/2012 23:57

I'm not exactly sure how i feel when i am with these men, at the time i think i want to slepp with them, but while i am sleeping with them i feel like i'm not into them and dont really enjoy it, and after i feel like it was pointless as i didnt get anything out of it.

oik - i have never been sexually abused, so its not related to that. the only thing i can think of is how much my ex cheated that maybe that is part or it.

OP posts:
Original poster
notsurewhyohwhy · 22/02/2012 00:06

i'm not sure if i really feel turned on to start with as most of the time i black out, i think sometimes i am turned on if i fancy the guy. and sometimes i think i just get into this out of control mode and do it like its normal Confused

OP posts:
oikopolis · 22/02/2012 00:10

you say you feel like you're not into them when the sex actually happens. it sounds like you are getting something out of the "chase" itself, and the sex that happens after it is almost immaterial. perhaps the thrill of being attracted, flirting, and then seducing is what you are searching for.

if you're looking for a reason why you do it, i would put money on it being that you want (understandably!) to regain control over your sexuality after your ex abused your trust. being the victim of a cheater is a hideous experience emotionally, there is a long aftermath to deal with.

solidgoldbrass · 22/02/2012 00:15

Normally, having lots of casual sex with different men is a good, healthy way to get over a crap relationship. You learn about what you like and don't like sexually, and you learn that you don't have to accept everything any individual man says, because you are in control of your life and your sexuality.

But it sounds like that's not the case here. You say you 'black out' a lot during sex; this sounds pretty risky and TBH I would advise seeing your GP and having a thorough check up in case there is something wrong with you physiologically that needs addressing. Also, how are these men reacting? Are you waking up to find them gone, are they expressing concern? If you are really picking up total randoms, bringing them home for sex and then passing out, there is a risk that one of them might steal from you, or hurt you, or take humiliating photographs of you or something like that (many men, of course, would just pull their pants up and run off home, but if you are really indiscriminate the chances of a nasty bastard being among the ones you pick up does increas).

Original poster
notsurewhyohwhy · 22/02/2012 00:17

i think you could be right, i think i enjoy the fact that they might like me, the flirting i'm happy with, its just when that line gets crossed and i sleep with them, knowing that i dont fancy them, thats the bit that makes me feel crap.

so what do you think i can do to stop myself from doing this?

OP posts:
Original poster
notsurewhyohwhy · 22/02/2012 00:22

The reason i am not happy about the casual sex is because i have never done it in such high volumes before and also i dont feel like i actually fancy the guys.

The reason i black out is because i am drinking while i'm out and thats when i meet the guys. when i say black out i mean forget whats going on, not falling asleep.

I have never woke up to find anyone gone, some have left early in the morning, some i have found want to hang around and chat and i just want to get them out the door asap. one guy i went to his and he fell asleep and i left without him knowing.

OP posts:
oikopolis · 22/02/2012 00:35

notsure if you are determined to stop, i would say give up drinking for 3-6 months and see how you feel after that. Drinking probably lowers your inhibitions enough that you don't worry about the consequences (the sex, the yucky feelings afterwards) but follow look for the short-term pleasure instead (the flirting etc).

Getting the alcohol out of the equation for a good while might break the behaviour cycle for a bit, and help you look at your feelings more objectively. And make new habits (of emotion, of socializing, all sorts) based on your clearer head.

It's Lent from tomorrow, might be worth taking the season to think things through without any booze? also a good excuse to give to friends who expect you to drink.

Original poster
notsurewhyohwhy · 22/02/2012 00:44

i didnt drink for nearly 2 months and then the first time i went out i slept with someone. i think the drinking has a massive part in it, the last time i went out i had the in intention of not drinking too much but still got drunk, but atleast this time i remembered what happened instead of forgetting the whole night.

OP posts:
Original poster
notsurewhyohwhy · 22/02/2012 00:45

oki - what happened that made you change your behaviour?

OP posts:
oikopolis · 22/02/2012 00:55

for me, it stopped because i met DH who helped me get over my past abuse. basically by telling/showing me i was precious/loveable & didn't need to exert control over men in order to feel secure. Also i started getting into my spirituality/getting counselling and that helped me understand i was ok as i was, and i didn't need to seduce men in order to feel "ok" inside.

(i would love to tell you it was all down to me being amazing and independent and oh-so-insightful about myself, lol, but it was a team effort)

i also stopped drinking at the same time, for about a year, and that helped me get "clear" inside. drinking really clouds things and makes everything complicated in the end. (i drink now btw well i'm pg now but you know what i mean i don't have a problem with alcohol but back then it was part of a bad "cycle" i was in.)

Original poster
notsurewhyohwhy · 22/02/2012 00:57

i'm glad things changed for you.

i have been going to counselling for nearly 3 years, and this had all started while ive been in counselling, so i am still working on it.

OP posts:
oikopolis · 22/02/2012 01:03

you'll be alright, you can talk to your counsellor and you'll probably get to the bottom of it sooner than you think. i would take the drink out of the equation and see what happens from there.

as a side note. when i stopped drinking, things fell apart in my personal life in a way that surprised me, and i was on the line to the Samaritans quite a bit. it's amazing what a crutch it is. i found life actually quite painful without it... felt awkward, cut off from people, didn't want to socialise, everyone i knew seemed so boring i could scream. but it was good to see things clearly and reorder my mind around that.

have you talked to your counsellor about this at all? what did they say? (don't feel obliged to stay up and talk to me btw, am in a slightly different time zone to UK atm)

Original poster
notsurewhyohwhy · 22/02/2012 12:09

So was you drinking a lot? I only go out around twice a month, so I don't drink often but drink a lot when I do go out.

Did ur dp know about your sleeping around? Is that why he was able to help you with it all?

My counsellor said that she feels I am trying to communicate a message to her by doing this but she hasn't said what the message us.

OP posts:
mcmooncup · 22/02/2012 12:49

I think oikopolis's first post is relevant here. You might not have been abused in the strictest sense but the mere fact your DH cheated on you is in some ways a reflection of total disrespect and therefore could be argued to be harmful in a similar way.

If it makes you feel any better, I broke up with my abusive DH nearly a year ago and I am in just coming out of a promiscuous stage now - similar numbers to you Blush. What oikopolis has written about almost having to relive the moments and rehearse things so you can learn to master them is very relevant for me. I am just starting to see that. I have slept with people who I don't really fancy. But have still wanted them to want me. It's horrid. ANd makes me feel worse. And FWIW I do it sober too. I don't think alcohol is the issue, its how you feel about your past relationships and sexuality

kodachrome · 22/02/2012 13:04

Maybe it's because your ex's cheating made you feel unwanted or unattractive(?), so you respond to the feeling of being wanted by other men, even if you don't particularly fancy them? Possibly you could set yourself the task of getting the guy's number instead of getting him to bed? Try to redirect yourself a bit.

You need to get a handle on the drinking, as the memory loss and loss of control plus the morning-after paranoia & depressive feelings, won't help with rebuilding your self-esteem. You need to drink soft drinks in between each alcoholic one religiously and when you feel that tipping point where you will keep drinking or are starting to lose it, you have to teach yourself to stop and probably go home. You may need to stop drinking altogether.

FabbyChic · 22/02/2012 13:07

If you are enjoying yourself what is the problem? There is nothing wrong with having sex for the sake of it, or sleeping with how ever many people you want in a week let alone only one a month, once I averaged 3 a week for a month, 9 years ago now though!.

Never feel bad about what makes you feel better or good.

oldwomaninashoe · 22/02/2012 13:11

I did this after I slit with my ExH, I think mainly because he wouldn't have sex with me and would reject any of my advances and he used to on about glamour models etc and what he would like to do to them!

I felt that no-one would ever find me sexually attractive and it was as if I had a point to prove. It stopped when I met my (now) DH who thought I was gorgeous, fabulous and lovable.

Maybe it is a self esteem thing with you too, you don't feel very lovable, or sexually desirable because if you were, why did your DH cheat???

Just a thought.

oldwomaninashoe · 22/02/2012 13:11

"Split" not slit !!

oikopolis · 22/02/2012 16:21

notsurewhyohwhy

Yeah I was drinking a lot. Like you, it was when I was out that I was drinking, once or twice a month. basically i was binge drinking.

yeah my partner knew all about my behaviour, i talked to him about everything quite a lot. he found it difficult to understand (he had a lovely childhood with no big traumas) but he supported me anyway, which is the main thing. I also embarrassed him horribly a few times by flirting shamelessly with men in front of him, while we were a couple. it was a mess (usually i wasn't even aware i was flirting, more of a habit, it was awful). but we got through it with lots of talking and crying.

your counsellor sounds a bit cryptic! why not ask them what they mean by that. it's a bit counter-productive for them to say something so... mysterious. it's easy to feel ashamed/isolated when people say things like that, because you don't know what they mean.