What to do about controlling ex and teenage kids :( sorry if too long

[Spradders]

Has anyone else had experience of having a controlling lying manipulative bullying ex making your children?s lives a misery? Basically in a nutshell:
I split with ex 6 years ago after 15 years of marriage ? long story but he had affair with numerous people, lastly au pair in my house, finally admitted to ?wanting to be with Kat from Slovakia? rather than his family ? he was 42 and she was 21. All water under the bridge now, but then my DS?s were 8 and 10. After much heartache (he is such a control freak he took me to court for custody of my kids) we agreed on shared parenting ? exactly 50/50 between us both. Problem is now, DS?s are 16 and 14 (nearly 17 & 15) they are starting to rebel against Dad, saying he shouts and swears at them as soon as he walks in from work, he yells at them if they?re on the x box, and if they are upstairs watching a dvd and they hear him come in, older ds says to younger ?right, switch off, we have to go downstairs to meet him?. Younger DS spoke at length to me tonight and said unhappy there, he often rows with dad at weekends and goes to friends houses instead. I reminded him that Mum?s house can be home, forever, but he said he feels it?s too much work getting away from the control of Dad.
I feel heartbroken that by my getting away from a controlling liar I have actually just transferred this crap to my children. Any advice would be appreciated. Should I try & get my [almost ?adult?] kids away? Go through the courts? Or just leave my door open and therefore leave my kids to deal with Dad?s anger whilst they tell him they?re walking away? Not an option I would ever imagine, but really stuck as to how else to deal with this?
Any opinions appreciated, thanks

Your teenagers are of an age where it is now their own decision where they live and who they live with, and who they see.

Making the break is the problem, though, isn't it? Would they consider living with you but visiting their dad every month, say, at least for a couple of months?

Thanks for the reply, I think (know) they would absolutely do this but they are scared of him and his reaction - ie next time they go to see him, he makes them feel guilty for not seeing him as much as before, and he turns up on my doorstep if kids are with me trying to talk to them! This happened once before a couple of years ago when 'we' put our foot down - he just made the boys feel so guilty it broke my heart. Just not sure I should be leaving them to deal with this. They are, as you say, of an age to decide, but should I be enforcing that on their behalf?

Are they scared of the guilt trip?

Beecause that is an awful habit to get into.

You need to get tough, it isnt OK to let your children be bullied. I would sit down and have a long talk with my children. If they were really unhappy I would suggest they dont have to stay at his and then I would get a solicitor to write to him on their behalf expressing their wishes. Talk through his likely reaction and discuss how they handle it. If he turns up on your doorstep and causes trouble call the police. Go to court on their behalf if you need to.

There is nothing worse than growing up in this situation and the other parent turning a blind eye to keep the peace. You have escaped from him. They haven't.

Yes, i think they are either scared or bracing themselves for the guilt trip - either way not something I would choose to put my children through :(. So I'm wondering do I let things run their course. Can't help thinking when does abusive behaviour become excusable? Age 8, 10, 15, 23? In my book, never. Hence the question and request for opinions.....would follwing the legal route be too over the top? So don't know what to do!

Thank you elastamum, that has put things in perspective. I certianly don't want to turn a blind eye - anything but.

I think what elastamum says.

Court would be a last resort if your Ex tried to force a contact order but quite honestly at their age he would have no chance. He would have to bring the case and he would have to pay the costs.

Thank you both for your replies, I agree. Can be tough to come to the obvious conclusions sometimes, when it's just you thinking and worrying about it!

And can I just add, nothing need be forever. Lots of teenagers and young adults can go through a rough patch with a parent, and still pull it all back together a few years down the line.

But right now, it sounds like they need to live with you.

Btw, I have had terrific support from the Police's domestic abuse unit over keeping an Ex out of my face and away from my property. They help women deal with emotional abuse and harassment as well as physical. It's about setting boundaries.